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Stephen Hawking

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Everything posted by Stephen Hawking

  1. My pet Squirrel has just died. To be honest, I'm surprised he lived as long as he did, with him having a nut allergy.
  2. My mate is gay and dyslexic, but he won't admit to it. I think he's in Daniel.
  3. "Hello, I'm Doctor Brown, and I see from your file, that you are Mrs A." "Beg your pardon, you have MRSA."
  4. I share Howard's disappointment. I too, would like to see Bernadette wearing that French Maids outfit.
  5. God is love - The devil is forty. Match point.
  6. Nope. Topless and naked are two different things.
  7. I was told a chicken will keep for three months in the freezer, but I put one in last night, and it was dead this morning.
  8. Santa Clause is dead, but, if you will grow a white beard and live in a grotto, it's only a matter of time before the Americans bomb the shit out of you.
  9. The BBC have announced that, due to a misunderstanding, the Saudi Arabian version of the TV show Flog It, has been cancelled.
  10. I'm ninety six, and I'm convinced young women are attracted to me. Am I suffering from Penile Dementia?
  11. With the relaxing of the lockdown rules, the seven dwarfs have been told that six of them can get together. One of them is not happy.
  12. Just finished watching the launch of the Falcon 9, with the Crew Dragon capsule. It was a successful launch, with the result that Hurley and Bob Behnken, are now in orbit.
  13. Kung Fu Panda is the least racist hero ever, because he's black and white and Asian.
  14. Sheldon's a lot like Judy Geller. They say what they think, without considering the feelings of the people they're saying it to/about.
  15. If it tastes like butter, and spreads straight from the fridge, you've probably had a power cut.
  16. McDonald have announced that they're stopping using Styrofoam, and will be using cardboard instead. I reckon, eventually, they're going to have to use meat.
  17. I hired a man to pebble-dash my house, but the technique he used isn't quite what I was expecting.
  18. A computer fraudster has stolen 5 million Nectar points. Police are looking for a disappointed man, with one new wine glass.
  19. Was it really wrong, for Raj to be angry that guy dinged his car? I don't see that, just because he's elderly, he should get a free pass, to bash people's car doors.
  20. Dianne Abbott has announced that she wants to ban all private motor vehicles, in order to tackle the Car Owner Virus.
  21. The one that really annoys me, is when people refer to Queen Elizabeth II as "Her Royal Highness".
  22. The noises my girlfriend makes, during sex, are embarrassing. To be fair, she doesn't know I'm still in the house.
  23. My mate cries after sex. It's his own fault. If he hadn't broken the law, he wouldn't have got sent to prison.
  24. Use the Diary Luke. 😁
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