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Stephen Hawking

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Everything posted by Stephen Hawking

  1. If you talk to God you're religious. If God talks to you, you're psychotic.
  2. It's where you grab someones arm, with both hands, side by side, and swivel your hands in opposite directions, thereby causing pain by friction. So what would the American term be for it?
  3. In the final scene, where they're eating dinner in Apartment 4A, isn't Penny wearing the same outfit she was wearing, when Sheldon and Leonard invited her to eat with them, in the Pilot episode?
  4. My friend took his dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end. It was a cat-ass-trophy. ------------------------------------------------------------- How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts? Wi' jam in.
  5. I was watching the final episode read through, on the DVD special features, and it was awful to see some of the cast, not just crying, but sobbing their eyes out, as they read through the final scene. I'm amazed they managed to complete the shooting of the final scene, given how broken up they obviously were.
  6. My girlfriend told me to turn the light out, and come to bed. I wish she would remember, that we live in a lighthouse.
  7. Do you keep falling over, and you're not sure how to respond? Try TripAdvisor.
  8. A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother. ------------------------------------------------- I've just been filling in an application form, and it asked for an emergency contact number, so I've put 999. ------------------------------------------------- Thanks to auto-correct, one in five children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.
  9. On a hook, with my coat, obviously. 😊
  10. I bought a stick deodorant today. The instructions read "Remove cap and push up bottom". I can hardly walk, but when I fart the room smells lovely.
  11. QUESTION: Why is Doctor Nowitzki not happy about the result of the UK's Brexit referendum? ANSWER: Because she's a Ramona.
  12. Just been on a Diabetes awareness website, and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is that a trick question? --------------------------------------------------------- My wife left me, because I'm too insecure No... wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea. --------------------------------------------------------- Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject? Now you mention Botox, and no one raises an eyebrow. --------------------------------------------------------- A member of staff has been seriously injured at the Nestle factory, when a crate of chocolate bars fell more than 50 feet, and crushed him underneath. He tried to attract attention, but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me", everyone cheered.
  13. About 9 weeks ago, my cat swallowed a large ball of wool. She's just had mittens.
  14. Why can't you have a globalist advent calendar? Because all the doors are already open. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- CHILD: "Mummy, when I grow up I want to be a socialist." MOTHER: "I'm sorry dear, you can't do both."
  15. A man gets home from the pub, very drunk. His wife says "OK smart arse, explain the lipstick on your collar?" "Easy" says the man, "I used my shirt to wipe my cock."
  16. NOTICE This department requires no physical fitness programme. Everyone gets enough exercise jumping to conclusions, flying off the handle, running down the boss, knifing people in the back, dodging responsibility, pushing their luck and passing the buck.
  17. Boris Johnson:- "Knock Knock". Jeremy Corbyn:- "Who's there?". Boris Johnson:- "Not you".
  18. After 3 and a half years of stalling and blocking, the UK now has a Government with a large enough majority to take us out of the EU. Auf Wiedersehen, Au revoir and Goodbye. 😁
  19. But how can she work something out, when, according to Sheldon himself, "I have a higher than normal body density. If I run too deep a bath, I drown."?
  20. How did Sheldon manage to go swimming, when he doesn't float?
  21. Been away on holiday (vacation to those of you across the pond 😀 ), and arrived back just last night.
  22. Thanks for that. Much appreciated.
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