For those of you who want the dialogue from last night... This is my very first taping and my very first taping report. So forgive me if I get some of the dialogue wrong or completely forgot it because I was concentrating too much on having fun and enjoying the night. Sorry it's so late. I just flew back home this afternoon... and who knew it takes so long to type up a taping report. Thanks to those of you that do! (Even though I don't read them because I want to be totally surprised when I watch it on TV.)
"The Septum Deviation"
Cold Open. Three takes.
Leonard's and Sheldon's apartment
Sheldon and Amy are sitting on the couch facing each other playing Head's Up (Ellen Degeneres' game app). Sheldon is holding the phone on his forehead with the word "Tesla" on it facing Amy.
Amy: You like this guy.
Sheldon: It's me!
Amy: No. He's an under appreciated genius.
Sheldon: Still me!
Amy: There's a car named after him.
Sheldon: Of course there is. The Mini Cooper.
Amy: It’s the poor man's Mini
Sheldon: Oh! Tesla!
Leonard and Penny walk into the apartment carrying bags of groceries. They walk to the kitchen and start unloading the groceries.
Sheldon: How did it go at the doctor?
Leonard: He shoved a hammer up my nose.
Penny: Yeah. It was like the scary tunnel boat ride in Willy Wonka.
Amy: Did the doctor figure out what’s wrong?
Leonard: He said I have a deviated septum. I’ll need surgery to fix it.
Sheldon: (walking toward Leonard) Surgery?! You can’t have surgery!
Leonard: Why not? It’ll fix my snoring.
Sheldon: It’s not that bad. I just took 4 or 5 years to get used to it. It’s my mucous-powered white noise machine.
Leonard: Well, I’m getting the surgery.
Sheldon acts like he’s OK with it and that he has nothing more to say in the matter. He goes back to the couch to continue the game he’s playing with Amy. Amy picks up the phone and puts it to her forehead. The word “Jay-Z” is on the phone.
Sheldon: Oh. OK. You know this person for NEVER having gotten his nose mutilated with elective surgery and NEVER living his life in the shadows as a hideous disfigured freak.
Leonard: You can give a better clue than that.
Sheldon: I don’t know if that’s a person or a type-o.
Scene 1. Two takes.
Leonard’s bedroom in the middle of the night.
Close up of Leonard sleeping in bed. The camera zooms out to reveal Sheldon sitting on the bed next to Leonard, staring at Leonard. Leonard slowly turns toward him and slowly opens his eyes.
Leonard: (sleepily) OK. Why? (In the second take, I think Leonard changed it to “Why are you staring at me like an albino boogie man?”)
Sheldon: I’m listening to you snore wondering how I’ll ever sleep without it.
(There’s some point in this conversation where Sheldon says “I spent 2 hours in the closet waiting for you to fall asleep.” but I can’t remember how it all flows in here.)
Sheldon: If the surgery is a success, the snoring goes away. If you die, the snoring goes away.
Leonard: Sounds like either way, I get some rest.
Sheldon: I’m truly worried, Leonard. Did you know that 1 in 700,000 people die under general anesthesia?
Leonard: (exasperated) What about the other 699,999 people?
Sheldon: Good point. (Gets up to leave the room) You’re a glass half full kind of guy. (Pauses and looks off in the distance) I’m gonna miss that.
Scene 2. Two takes. Two pickups.
Raj, Howard, and Bernadette are sitting around the table eating dinner.
Raj: My parents’ 40th anniversary is coming up. I can’t think of a thing to get them.
Howard: Can you imagine being married to someone for 40 years?
Bernadette: (Giving Howard the look) Yes. (In one of the pickups, she changed it to “Not anymore!”)
Howard: Really? Even after I say things like that?
Raj: Any ideas on a gift?
Bernadette: What kinds of things do they like?
Raj: My parents used to like going to the symphony, but according to my mom, lately my dad’s just been phoning it in. He said that to her about (something. I can’t remember what). (Then something about not speaking to one another, so he had the servant say it to her.)
Raj: I could make a gift for them. I know how much you guys loved the coasters I made for you.
Raj holds up a coaster to his face with a picture of his smiling face on it.
Howard: You know. If you’re short on time, we would totally understand if you send them these.
Raj: No way. They’re yours forever.
Bernadette: You thought 40 years was a long time. (In one of the pickups, she changed it to “They’re yours in the divorce.”)
Scene 3. Two takes.
Leonard’s and Sheldon’s apartment.
Sheldon is alone in the apartment working at his whiteboard. On the whiteboard are a bunch of statistics associated with various “accidents.” Leonard walks in.
Leonard: What are you working on?
Sheldon: Remember when I said that you have a 1 in 700,000 chance of dying? I’ve been crunching the numbers and I’ve got it down to a sphincter-tightening 1 in 300.
Leonard: Oh good cuz my check sphincter light just went off.
Sheldon: What if you have an allergic reaction to the latex in the doctor’s gloves?
Leonard: I’m not allergic to latex.
Sheldon: Then why won’t you wear the rubber gloves I got you to do the dishes?
Leonard: The same reason I won’t wear the apron or the hair net.
Sheldon: What about epilepsy?
Leonard: I don’t have it.
Sheldon: YOU don’t, but the SURGEON might. You’re one carotid artery away from (something I can’t remember).
Leonard: I could die driving to the hospital.
Sheldon: I’ve got that. And I’ve got falling down the stairs to get to the car. Don’t expect me to carry you. I do that enough in life.
Leonard: Why is there “asteroid strike” on there?
Sheldon: It could happen.
Leonard: It’s not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Tell that to the cocky T-rex in your gas tank.
Leonard: If there was an asteroid strike, wouldn’t you die too?
Sheldon: I’m smart and scrappy. I’ll find a way.
Leonard: Listen. Sheldon. I get it. You’re worried I’m gonna die. The surgery’s not for another week. I’ll think about it.
With that, Leonard starts to walk toward his bedroom.
Sheldon: (to Leonard as he’s walking way. His back is facing Sheldon) If you have surgery in Nicaragua during monsoon season, I can guarantee your death!
Leonard shrugs and sighs his exasperation as he continues to walk away.
Scene 4. Two takes.
Hallway to Raj’s apartment and interior of Raj’s apartment.
Howard knocks on the door. Raj answers it while he’s talking on the phone. Howard gets himself a drink while Raj finishes up his conversation.
Raj: OK. Call you tomorrow. (hangs up)
Howard: So I found a fencing school in Burbank that has a Jedi class. I checked and they’re cool that we’re the only adults there.
Raj: (in shock and sad) My parents are splitting up. That was my dad on the phone. He’s moved out.
Howard: I’m sorry.
Sitting on the couch now.
Raj: As long as they’re happy, I’m happy. It’s not that big a deal. I get to celebrate Diwali twice. Once at my mom’s house and once at my dad’s house. That’s double the Diwali.
Howard: Are you OK?
Raj: I’m OK.
Howard: You don’t look OK.
Raj: How can I be OK? I come from a broken home (breaks down and cries)
Scene 5. Two takes with a Reenactment in between takes.
Surgery Center waiting room.
Leonard and Penny are sitting in the waiting room.
Leonard: So I’ll be out of surgery by 10
Penny: OK. And Sheldon’s OK with this?
Leonard: Sheldon believes we’re at the public swimming pool. He was so busy figuring out how many parts per million of urine we’d be swimming around in, he didn’t really question it.
Amy is driving. Sheldon is in the passenger seat eating French toast sticks.
Sheldon: 18 parts per million! And he’s still doing it!
Amy: I’m happy to drive you to work.
Sheldon: Leonard doesn’t let me eat french toast sticks in his car. He doesn’t like me getting my syrupy fingers on everything.
(I can’t remember this conversation too well because they only did it once, but Sheldon mentions something about Leonard not having his swim shirt)
Amy: Finish your breakfast. Look. There’s a whole dashboard that doesn’t have any syrup on it.
Sheldon: You’re acting odd.
Amy: I AM odd. Last night I tried to find out how many fava beans I could fit in my mouth. 28.
Sheldon: (Gives Amy a look of c’mon/I don’t believe you/whatever)
Amy: (embarrassed and mumbles) 56 fava beans.
Sheldon: What’s going on?
Amy: There was a cancellation and Leonard is getting the surgery right now.
Sheldon: Take me to Leonard.
Sheldon: I want to be there for my friend and to tell him I told you so.
Scene 6. Two takes.
Surgery center waiting room.
Penny is waiting alone. Leonard is in surgery. Sheldon and Amy walk in the door from behind her. Sheldon is carrying a teddy bear.
Sheldon: (looking down at Penny and upset with her) Hello
Penny: We had a really nice swim.
Sheldon: Stop it! I assume this medical center has already treated the burns on your bottom from the pants fire.
Penny: Because I’m a liar, liar?
Sheldon: That’s for the fire marshall to determine.
Sheldon sits down to the left of Penny. Amy sits in the chairs facing them.
(I think this is the point where Sheldon and Penny have an argument where Penny says something about Sheldon not being able to use the “A word”. And he keeps calling it the “B word.” I don’t know. It didn’t stick with me.)
Penny: Why’d you tell him?
Amy: He wore me down. I was distracted. He’s wearing extra baby powder today.
Sheldon: Is he OK?
Penny: He’s still in surgery. He’s gonna be alright.
Penny reaches down and puts her hand on top of Sheldon’s, whose hand is on the arm rest between them.
Penny: Oh. That’s sticky. (She removes her hand from on top of his).
Amy: C’mon. Let’s talk about something other than the surgery.
Sheldon: We could talk about funeral arrangements.
Penny: I think she means something happier.
Sheldon: S’pose we could make it a celebration. (pause) But he died so young.
Scene 7. Two takes.
Raj is sitting at his desk working on this laptop. Howard and Bernadette enter. Bernadette is carrying a basket.
Raj: What brings you by?
Bernadette: (sets the basket down on the desk) Oh… MUFFIN much (lifts the napkin off the basket to reveal a basket full of muffins).
Howard: (mumbles) Told you. Not funny.
Bernadette: That’s because he’s feeling… BLUEberry (holding a muffin in her hand). Tough crowd.
They sit in the chairs across from Raj.
Raj: I’m sorry. That’s very sweet.
Howard: How are you doing?
Raj: Better (unconvincingly)
Bernadette: I would be devastated if my parents split up.
Howard: Why? Your father hardly ever talks to your mother.
Bernadette: Well at least he stuck around. Your dad just took off!
Howard: As you can see, we’re here to cheer you up.
Bernadette: Do you have a sense of what happened between your parents?
Raj: I think over the years they just started resenting each other and instead of talking about their feelings, they kept it bottled up and their hate grew.
Bernadette: It’s a shame they spent all that time unhappy. Sometimes there’s just… MUFFIN you can do about it. (smiling)
Scene 8. One take.
Surgery center waiting room.
Penny: (to Sheldon) It’s nice that you got him that (referring to the teddy bear).
Sheldon: This isn’t for Leonard. Amy bought it for me.
Amy: He stubbed his toe in the revolving door.
Sheldon: You know those things confound me.
Amy: You didn’t have to keep going around and around.
Sheldon: There was a large plant that confused me.
The camera shakes. There’s a small earthquake. Penny and Amy don’t look too worried. Sheldon does. The camera shakes again and the lights go out. The (reddish/orange-ish) emergency lights come on.
Sheldon: It’s an earthquake!
Penny or Amy: It’s just a little tremor.
Sheldon: A little tremor turns a sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy. I need to check on Leonard.
He gets up and heads toward the glass doors, running into them and falling to the ground. We see Sheldon writhing around on the floor, holding his nose, while Amy and Penny are around him checking to see how he’s doing.
Scene 9. Two takes and maybe a pickup or two.
Howard and Bernadette are eating dinner across the table from one another.
Bernadette: Can I tell you something? This whole thing with Raj’s parents has got me worried about us.
Howard: We’re fine. Raj’s parents split up because of Raj. You know. They always say, the kids aren’t to blame, but come on! (Holds up the coaster with Raj’s face on it).
Bernadette: It was the little things they kept bottled up that broke them up. I don’t want that to happen to us. Are there things about me that you don’t like?
Howard: This feels like a trap.
Bernadette: So… yes.
Howard: And here I am in the trap.
Bernadette: C’mon. One thing. I won’t get mad.
Howard: You keep talking. I’ll just chew off my leg.
Bernadette: (gives Howard the look)
Howard: OK. Sometimes you’re just tooooooo beautiful.
Bernadette: Howard, be serious.
Howard: I don’t like it when your wings poke me while I’m asleep because you’re an angel. (smiling, so proud of himself)
Bernadette: You’re right. Maybe this was a bad idea.
Howard: The secret to a happy marriage is not going out of our way to criticize each other. Maybe we just need ways to improve our communication. One time in couples therapy…
Bernadette: (interrupts) Wait. Who did you go to couples therapy with? Was it your mom? (doesn’t give Howard time to answer) It was your mom.
Howard: The therapist had us tell what we love about each other.
Bernadette: We could try that. I love that you make me laugh.
Howard: And I love that you’re a strong, independent woman.
Bernadette: And I still love that you hold the door for me.
Howard: I love that I’m a slob in the bathroom (changed to “around here” in the second take) and you’re OK with it. (smiling)
Bernadette: (another look) Uh-huh (sarcastically). And I love that I work and do all the cleaning and YOU’RE okay with THAT.
Howard: I AM! Isn’t this great?
Scene 10. Playback (filmed earlier. And because we only got to watch it once, I know there’s a bunch of the dialogue that I’ve forgotten or wasn’t able to jot down)
Leonard’s and Sheldon’s apartment
Leonard and Sheldon are sitting on the couch next to each other, both wearing robes. Both have bandages on their noses and Sheldon has black eyes. Penny is taking a picture. Amy is in the kitchen watching.
Penny: C’mon. Smile. This is going on this year’s Christmas card.
(Sheldon and Leonard are talking nasally the whole time)
Sheldon: This is all your fault.
Leonard: How is this MY fault?
Sheldon: I told you not to get the surgery.
Leonard: The surgery was a success! (And then I think he says something like if something went wrong, he wouldn’t want Sheldon there)
Sheldon: I don’t know what hurts most. My nose or my heart.
Amy: C’mon guys. You should talk this out.
Penny: Yeah. Cuz you sound funny.
Sheldon: I’ll have you know you’re not in the clear yet. You could get an infection, or a blood clot, or a spider could crawl up in your nose (something like that).
Leonard: C’mon nose spider.
(Then some other dialogue that ends with Leonard saying “You WUUUUUV me.”)
Scene 11. Two takes and a pickup.
Howard and Bernadette are still eating dinner. It seems this is a continuation of the conversation they were having earlier.
Bernadette: (sarcastically) I love that you take pride in your looks. I can’t pee in the morning because you’re in the bathroom spending an HOUR on your hair.
Howard: And I love that you’re too good to pee in the kitchen sink.
Bernadette: And I love that you have the confidence to speak without an ounce of thought.
Howard: And I love that you leave your hair on the soap. I feel like I’m washing myself with a hamster.
Raj lets himself in and takes a seat at the dining table between Howard and Bernadette.
Raj: Sorry I’m late. I just got off the phone with my mom.
Raj: She’s dating already. Although that may have happened before the marriage ended. (In the pickup, this was changed to “She bought the book Eat, Pray, Love and set my dad’s Mercedes on fire.”)
Howard: (In a frustrated tone) We’re just saying the things we love about each other.
Raj: Oh! Like when you and I went to couples therapy!
Tag. Two takes.
Leonard’s and Sheldon’s apartment, some time later (maybe a couple of weeks).
Sheldon is sitting in his spot. There’s a package in front of him on the coffee table. Leonard and Penny are in the kitchen preparing drinks.
Penny: (walking toward Sheldon) What’d you get? (Sits in the armchair)
Sheldon: I ordered this before Leonard’s surgery. It’s an urn (pulls one out of the box).
Penny: That’s morbid, Sheldon. Send it back.
Sheldon: I can’t. I had it engraved. Here lie the ashes of Leonard. He thought he was right. But his roommate knew better.
Leonard: That’s funny. (Walking toward Penny. Hands her a drink). I’m gonna miss these pain killers.
Sheldon: I prefer you alive instead of a bunch of bone chips in a container.
Penny: (reaching into the box and pulling out another urn). Why’d you get two? I’m with stupid.
Sheldon: That one’s mine. (takes the urn from Penny).
Before the show, we got to watch the 807 The Misinterpretation Agitation. I was so hoping to watch 808 The Prom Equivalency.
Before the cold open, Jim does his habitual prep for his scenes. He’s pacing the set, notecards in hand. I can see him mouthing his lines. Mayim looks a little nervous too, but they call action and everyone does great.
Before the reenactment, Jim and Mayim were sitting on the set (just two white folding chairs and a steering wheel contraption in front of Mayim) talking to each other. The music for the studio audience was up kind of loud, so they were having to lean into each other to talk into each other’s ears so they could hear. They were so cute just laughing together. I wish I knew what they were talking about. And Mayim was being silly with the steering wheel, turning it this way and that. Jim was chewing on gum and just before their scene, stuck it in the to-go container he was holding. It was all just so cute!
After the last scene in the surgery center, Johnny and Kaley came and talked to the studio audience. They got up on the railing and reiterated how much they appreciate the fans. And reminded us how hard the rest of the crew work to bring us these shows week after week.
Just a handful of bloopers throughout the night. Missed lines. The usual.
And Kunal stuck around a little to sign some autographs.