The Deception Verification
The episode begins as Sheldon and Penny are walking up the staircase to the 4th floor from the ground floor.
Sheldon is striking up conversation with Penny by asking her if she knew that there's a possibility that severe weather patterns can actually disturb the Earth's rotation and actually make days longer. Penny coldly replies, "There must be a huge storm somewhere."
Sheldon then points out that if all his groceries are in proper condition, and if all of his eggs and other items are perfect, that would be the last time that Penny got to take him to the grocery store. She's excited about it, but he isn't. He says if one of his things isn't up to snuff, then they can go back to the store for "one last big blowout" before Leonard comes home.
They both get to their own apartment doors, and Sheldon says that her attitude will be reflected on her 'report card.'
Penny replies, "I didn't go to detention, I'm not gonna look at the report card." He goes into the apartment, and she walks into hers.
She walks in, and is looking to her left, and shuts the door. LEONARD IS BEHIND THE DOOR. She freaks out, drops her bag of groceries all over the floor, and is ecstatic to see him! They embrace and she asks why he's home so early.
He whispers, "Well, the experiment ended early and I thought I would come back and spend time with you here alone for a few days."
Penny says it's really romantic and asks why they're whispering, and Leonard whispers again, "Yeah. Um... that's why I did it. But don't tell Sheldon! Nobody else knows." so she says fine. As this conversation is ending, you hear Sheldon yell, from across the hall and through the door, that three of his eggs seem to be weak, and that Penny needs to grab her keys because they have to go back to the store.
At the comic book store a little later, Sheldon is looking at comics as Stuart walks by. Sheldon says, "Hey! Stuart, can you help me find something?"
Stuart replies, "Sure, I can! Unless it's hope. Or a reason to live."
Sheldon stops for a second, with a blank look on his face, and then says, "Ohhh, you make me laugh, sad clown! Anyway, Leonard will be back soon and I need a gift for him. Considering his time out at sea, I was thinking perhaps something with a nautical theme."
Stuart says, "Well, it depends on how much you're willing to spend. I have this really rare Aquaman figurine." He turns around, grabs it off the shelf, and sets it on the counter.
Sheldon looks down at it, then up at Stuart. "This is not a gag gift, Stuart!"
Stuart replies, "Fine! I should just sell it to a real collector, anyway."
"Well, I'M a real collector! How rare IS it?"
"Ah, I shouldn't have mentioned it." He moves it back slightly on the counter. "How about a Batman squirt gun?" he says, as he holds up a box with a kid's toy looking squirt gun.
Sheldon says, "Nooo, now, don't try to be tricking me into buying me something I don't want! Let's talk Aquaman."
Howard and Raj are standing at the other side of the comic book store looking through comics.
Howard says, "I don't know if I like them putting Doctor Octopus' brain in Spiderman's body."
Raj replies, "Well, I kind of like it. It combines the fun of Spiderman with the body changing shenanigans of Freaky Friday. Versions: both the original and Lohan."
Howard mocks Raj with an accent, "Versions BOTH original AND LOHAN? Well then!"
"Hey, what's your problem?" Raj says.
"Sorry, I've just been really snippy lately. It's probably this stupid diet I'm on..."
"Why are you on a diet?" Raj asks.
"Eh. I've put on a couple pounds. I had to buy these pants in the MENS section!"
Raj sits there for a second and says, "We've seen your mom."
Sheldon, at this time, is telling Stuart he's offering him $1200 for the Aquaman figurine and it's his final offer! Stuart sells it to him, and says, "I'm sure Leonard will love it."
Sheldon looks surprised, "OH, yes! I need a gift for Leonard."
Stuart says, "Would you like to throw in a squirt gun? It's pretttttyyy rare."
It then cuts to Penny's apartment, where she and Leonard are sitting on the couch looking at his phone. He's showing her pictures from his expedition.
He says, "There's me doing the famous pose from Titanic." "Uh, huh." Penny smiles.
He slides his finger to the next picture. "And... that's me getting rescued..." She smiles again.
Then there's a knock at the door. "Pizza's here!" Penny exclaims, and Leonard stands up and gives her money out of his wallet while he goes into her bathroom. He mentions a sailor-ish phrase (that I can't remember, I'm sorry!) and Penny's like, "What?" and he says, "That's what us salty sea dogs say when we have to go pee pee."
She answers the door, and the pizza delivery guy tells her it's $22.50. She says, "Here's $25, keep the change."
He says, "Woah, woah, woah. That's it? I just had to walk up like four flights of stairs!"
She looks at him, and then pulls some coins out of the key bowl that sits on the table by her door. "Heeerree issss... 30-something cents... and a guarantee that I'm not going to call your boss and tell him you reek of marijuana."
The guy takes the hint and starts to walk away as Sheldon is walking up the staircase holding chinese takeout in a bag.
"Oh, Penny! I see you ordered pizza. I have chinese food. Would you like to eat together?"
She says, "Ohh, no no, that's fine. I'd rather just really eat alone tonight."
Sheldon walks by the pizza guy and says, "Oh, my, that's an earthy cologne." He stands there for a moment and quietly says, "My uncle wore that..."
Penny tries to say goodnight and then they both hear her toilet flush.
Sheldon asks if she has company and she says, "Ohh, no! The toilet has just been doing that lately. I've already called building maintenance, so it's fine."
Sheldon invites himself in and says, "Well, I can take a look at it!"
"Oh, there's really no need to, Sheldon, it's fine!"
"It's fine, I think I know what I'm doing. I did spend most of 5th grade with my head in a toilet."
She says, loudly, so Leonard will also hear, "There's no reason for you to go into the bathroom, Sheldon!"
Sheldon looks down at the table at the two glasses of wine that are sitting there and says, "That's curious. If you don't have company then why are there two glasses of wine out?"
Penny smiles and says, "Well, I've got two hands and kind of a drinking problem."
"Ah. You're right. Silly question."
He turns around and notices her trash can. "Interesting. There are takeout boxes in your trash can."
"Yeah, that was my dinner from last night - so?"
"Sooo. The containers are IN the trash can."
"Sheldon, look, I really have just had a long day and just want to have dinner by myself..."
"Alright. I can't say I don't enjoy the solitude."
He starts to walk out the door and leans back in, "Hey, have you gotten a 'welcome back' gift for Leonard?"
"Wanna go halfsies on a $200 squirt gun?"
In Howard and Bernie's apartment, Bernadette is in the kitchen and Howard walks in the door.
She says, "Hey! I made brownies. Would you like one?"
Howard looks at her and says, "You're kidding. You know I'm trying to lose weight! Why would you offer me one of those? I thought we were PARTNERS IN THIS MARRIAGE!"
"Sorry..." she says, "You don't need to lose weight."
He says, "Well the bathroom scale says something different so one of you is lying!"
She says, "Sorry, I'll try not to bring it up. How was dinner at your mom's?"
"Awful. I had to rub her ointment on her again."
"Why can't she do it herself?"
"BECAUSE WE HAVE A DEEPLY UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIP."
Howard pulls out an empty tube of said ointment and says, "Hey, can you get any samples of these from work? They prescribed it but didn't take into account the square footage of her back."
Bernadette takes the tube and looks at the ingredients on the back. She says, "Howard, this is really, really strong estrogen cream. I HOPE you've been wearing gloves."
He looks up with wide eyes. "These swollen sausages couldn't fit!" (in reference to his fingers being fat)
"Sooo that's why you've been bloated and moody and a pain in the ass!"
"But you have estrogen and don't act like that!"
"I'm a woman! I've had years of practice riding the dragon!"
"Now I feel stupid. And fat."
"You still look great to me! Come to the bedroom with me and I'll prove it to you."
Howard grabs a pillow and looks up at her, "Sex?! Really?! THAT'S YOUR SOLUTION?"
Bernadette sits there and just looks down while Howard clutches to the pillow, looking like he's about to cry.
In the L/S apartment, Sheldon is at the kitchen island with Amy, who is holding up different index cards with made up words on them. She says, "You'll be happy to know I've created TWO separate words for spoons! Janko and planko. Planko is for a spoon with food on it. Janko is for a spoon with no food on it."
Sheldon is looking the other way, not really paying attention.
"Sheldon! You're not paying attention to my made up language."
"That's not true!"
"Yes it is! Then what does tweepodok mean?"
There's a silence.
"Amy, something happened at Penny's."
"What happened at Penny's?"
"I think Penny is being unfaithful to Leonard."
"Why would you think that?"
"Well, given Leonard is on his voyage and the history of Penny's ravenous nether regions..."
"I don't think she would cheat on Leonard."
"Oh, really? Well one time we were having a staring contest and she clapped really loud to make me blink! There's a thin line between that and sexual infidelity."
"Yeah, well, there were chinese takeout containers. In... the trash."
Amy looks up and sighs and says, "...poor Leonard."
So they both walk over to Penny's apartment door, and Sheldon leans up against it to try to eavesdrop.
Amy whispers, "Hear anything?"
"...yes. A woman's voice."
"...is it Penny?"
"No! It's you!"
"Oh, now I hear talking and giggling. Oh, now I think I hear kissing!" Sheldon says.
Amy whispers loudly, "How would you even know what kissing sounds like?!"
"THERE'S KISSING IN STAR TREK, SMARTY PANTS."
"Ugh, move over!"
Amy puts her ear against the door. "I hear voices... it sounds like Leonard."
"That's ridiculous. Why would he come early and spend his time kissing Penny when he could be hanging out with his best buddy?"
He waits a moment and says, "I can't. I have to catch her in this act..." and takes out a spare key to Penny's apartment and unlocks the door and barges in yelling "a-ha!" to find Penny and Leonard just sitting on her couch. Penny freaks out and says, "SHELDON. That's not okay! You can't just barge in like that!"
He leans back, shuts the door, and smacks really loudly three times. "PENNY." "PENNY." "PENNY."
Penny and Leonard are both so shocked they're speechless. Sheldon yells through the door, "Are you going to open the door or do I have to barge in and say 'a-ha' again?"
He opens the door and Sheldon says, "...Leonard?"
"I'm sorry! I got home early and I really just wanted to spend a few days alone with Penny!"
Sheldon is offended and that he knows that Leonard constantly finds their friendship a nuisance. Leonard says, "I only say that at least once a month!"
Sheldon says, "Okay, Leonard, let's just address the tweepodok in the room."
Leonard and Penny look very confused, and Leonard says, "Um... what?"
Sheldon replies, "It's high time you admit you don't like me any more."
"That's not true."
"No, no. You find me finnicky and pedantic."
Penny intervenes, "No, he doesn't!"
Leonard looks over at her and says, "I've actually said that before. With those words. In that order."
Sheldon says, "Penny, I just... we had such a nice time together! We went shopping and I let you use my rewards card to pay for your feminine hygiene products! Do you know what kind of coupons I'm going to get in the mail now?!"
Leonard walks around to the table and tells Sheldon that he's got him a gift and hands him a bag. Sheldon pulls a sailors' cap out of it and asks Leonard if he really thinks he can buy back his friendship.
"No. I don't. I honestly don't." he says. "Just try it on..."
So Sheldon puts on the cap, and Leonard and Penny both say, "Ooooh, yeah!" and Amy stands up slowly and says, "Hellloooooo, sailor!"
Sheldon, still looking mad, says, "Be right back." and struts off to Penny's bathroom to look at himself.
He walks back and says, "THIS CHANGES NOTHING. ...except my Halloween costume for this year." and walks out. He quickly turns around and says, "Amy! You're going to be Olive Oyl. Lay off the donuts!" and walks off.
Back in the Howard/Bernadette apartment, Howard is in the livingroom when Raj knocks on the door. Howard thanks him for showing up and Raj says it's not a problem. Howard has made small sandwiches and put them out on the table and says there's a brie in the oven.
Raj sits down and asks what's up. Howard tells him that he's been looking up the side effects of estrogen and says, "I'm going to need you to be honest with me..." He pulls up his shirt. "Do my boobs look bigger?"
Raj just sits there. "Um... I, I don't know."
"It's a yes or no question, Raj!"
"Well, I mean.... it's hard to tell. I'm not sure. Maybe jump up and down."
Howard jumps up and down for like 15 seconds while Raj stares at him. I still can't tell... how about, gimme some of this?" and Raj himself jiggles his upper body back and forth very quickly. "Mine do the same thing." he says.
Howard copies what he does and Raj says, "Hm. It looks like they could be bigger." and he goes to grope Howard's chest and Howard says, "Ahhh! Stop, they're sensitive."
Raj says, "Oh. Sorry." and blows warm air on his hands and then grabs his chest, then grabs his own chest with his other hand to compare how they feel.
Howard does the same, so now they both have a hand on their own chest and the other's chest.
At this point, Bernadette walks out from the hallway in the back and is just staring at them in disbelief. They do not know she's standing there.
Raj says, "Hm. They could be."
Howard says, "Nooo, I'm definitely up a cup size."
Raj replies, "But they are firm! So you've got that going for you."
"You think so?"
"Yeah, you're very perky!"
"Thank you," Howard says lovingly. "I needed to hear that today."
Bernadette turns her ass around and walks back into the hallway, LOL.
The next morning in the L/S apartment, Leonard says 'good morning' to Sheldon and Sheldon says hello.
Leonard asks if he's driving him and Sheldon replies, "I would like a ride. Assuming you're actually going to take me to work."
Leonard asks what he means, and Sheldon goes into this elaborate reasoning of how he can't trust him since he came back from his expedition early and didn't tell him.
Leonard says, "I'm going to work. You can come." and starts to leave with him.
As Leonard is about to make it out the door, Sheldon says, "You have something on your shirt."
Leonard looks down, confused, "No... I don't."
"Hurts, doesn't it?"
They start walking down the staircase and Sheldon says, "I'm beginning to wonder if anything you've ever told me is true."
Leonard mutters, "Oh, god, the ship sank... and I'm in hell."
"I mean, you say you're from New Jersey. How do I know?"
"Who would anyone claim they're from New Jersey?"
"...you have a point."
"Sheldon, I said I'm sorry, what else do you want?!"
"Admit you were wrong."
"Okay. I admit it. I was wrong. It was wrong!"
"...I wish I could believe you!"
They make it down to the lobby, and Leonard says, "I'm not driving you! You're annoying!"
"You don't mean what you say! You want to give me a ride and find me a delight!" Sheldon spits back.
"Knock it off!"
"Keep it up!"
Leonard walks out the doors and toward his car. Sheldon stays by the door and yells, "I'M ASSUMING YOU'RE MEANING TO HOLD UP THE FOUR OTHER FINGERS?!"
Back upstairs, Penny is leaving for work and is in her Cheesecake Factory costume.
Amy walks up the stairs as well. Penny says, "Why are you here so early?"
"Driving Sheldon to work."
"Oh, is he still mad at Leonard?"
"Yeah, he's mad at you, too. He says you're the succubus that lead his friend astray."
"...I don't know what succubus is. It has suck in it. ...that can't be good."
Sheldon walks out the door and Penny says, "Hi Sheldon!"
He looks at her. "You don't get a 'hey.' You get a 'hrrrmmm.'"
Amy interrupts him and says, "Sheldon, stop it! Your fight is with Leonard, not with Penny, and-"
He cuts her off and says, "Be careful, Amy! The friend of my friend's girlfriend is also my enemy."
"I'm your enemy?" she says.
"Yes. You're either with me or against me."
"Do you WANT to take the bus?"
"...maybe there's a third option."
They all start to walk down the staircase in silence, and Amy says, "I also had a donut for breakfast, you jerk."
Later on, in the cafeteria at the university, Sheldon starts to sit down at the table where Raj, Howard, and Sheldon are already sitting.
Leonard says, "The data from the ship is getting crunched right now but it looks pretty good!"
Howard says, "That's wonderful! If you can prove that there's [some kind of] radiation, then-" he stops and looks at Raj, who is staring, "HEY. MY EYES ARE UP HERE!"
Sheldon sits and says, "Howard. Raj. Judas." as he pulls up cookies from his plate. "I have cookies. One for you... one for you... and for you, Leonard, I have two renegade peas that were in my tater tots."
"You know what, I'm done. I can't take any more of your stupid face!" Leonard says as he stands up to leave.
Sheldon says, "Well if you wanted to stop seeing stupid faces you better not look in the mirror! Or... a commission of an oil portrait of yourself..."
Howard says, "Guys, guys! Stop this! You guys are not just friends. You're BEST friends. And that's a beautiful thing." Howard starts getting choked up and crying. "Leonard, do you realize this man is mad at you because he MISSED you? Sheldon, you should be happy that he has love in his life, as I do mine." Howard then points to Raj, "This man helped me with my breasts." The entire cafeteria turns around and looks at him.
Raj says, "You're a little loud, dude..."
Howard finishes, "The point is, can't we just all sit here and be glad that we're together?"
They both quietly agree and sit in silence for a moment before Raj announces, "It wasn't anything weird! It was just to see how big they were."
Then it cuts back to the L/S apartment and everyone is present.
Penny says, "I'm so glad you guys are friends again."
Sheldon looks up at Penny and says, "Oh, Penny. I have this for you." and he hands her a coupon.
She reads it out loud. "$.50 off Vagisil..."
"Yes." Sheldon says, "Think of me when you apply it."
Everyone looks up awkwardly.
Raj changes the subject, "I'm just glad we're all here hanging out together again."
Everyone nods, and Leonard realizes something and asks, "Wait, since when can Koothrappali talk to women without a beer?!"
Bernadette says, "Oh! While you were gone. It happened right after you left."
Leonard looks at her, upset, "How come nobody told me?!"
Howard starts to tear up and says, "I can't believe we forgot to tell him!"
Penny casually leans over, and hands him the coupon. "Here, Howard." He just looks at her.
"Think of Sheldon when you apply it." and she winks.