The Egg Salad Equivalency
Sheldon is wearing a hard-hat (think: construction worker) and Leonard is watching him. In the middle of the room, right in front of where the coffee table is placed, is a life-sized game of Jenga.
(It's taller than Jim, it seemed like 7 ft tall.)
Sheldon says, "You know, Leonard. I was skeptical when you suggested Giant Jenga, but I think you're onto something. At any moment it could fall and injure me. I like the rush!"
Leonard replies, "Yeah, I know. Especially since Tiny Twister was such a bust."
Sheldon says something (can't remember, it's probably not too important if I can't remember) and walks back down the hallway into his bedroom, I'm assuming.
Leonard is looking at which block he wants to move to take his turn in Jenga when there's a knock on the door and Alex walks in.
She says hello and he says hi. Alex asks what he's up to and Leonard says, "Giant Jenga..." and she says, "I see that. I know about it - I'm the one that had to buy Dr. Cooper the hard-hat."
He pulls out a block and she asks what his plans are for the weekend. He replies, "Well, all day Saturday is going to be figuring out where I'm going to keep this."
She says she's attending a physics lecture and Leonard immediately knows the lecture she is talking about. She says, "You're more than welcome to come with me." and he says, "Oh, I promised I'd hang out with Penny." and Alex says, "She can come." and he says, "Nah, she really isn't into that stuff."
Alex says, "Well, that's a shame. Because if we went, maybe we'd be able to talk about it, you know... over dinner or something..."
Leonard is caught off guard and stumbles into the Jenga blocks and they all fall down all over the livingroom floor. He says, "...what?"
Sheldon hears the commotion, and comes back out from the hallway. They turn to him. His straight face turns into a smile as he throws his arms up into the air. "GIANT JENGA! I WIN!"
Howard, Raj, and Leonard are walking to their table with their trays of food.
Howard starts by saying, "No, that can't be true!"
Raj replies, "Nooo, I did the research! Tony the Tiger, Toucan Sam, Captain Crunch, Trix the Rabbit, Lucky from Lucky Charms, Count Chocula, Snap, Crackle, and Pop... none of the cereal mascots are girls!"
Howard says again, "That can't be right."
Raj adds, "Don't forget. The bee from Honey Nut Cheerios. I think his name is Buzz."
Leonard stares at him for a second. "Interesting. LISTEN, something weird happened."
Howard and Raj both ask what happened.
Leonard says, "Alex asked me on a date last night."
Raj gets worked up, "HEY. Why would you do that? You know I have feelings for her."
"What? I'm not going to do anything about it, it's just nice to have an attractive young woman sniffin' around the goods." while smiling.
Howard says, "You're enjoying this, aren't you?"
"IN MY BONES!"
Sheldon walks up from behind with a cup of tea. "Good morning gentleman! What's on the conversational menu for this morning?"
Before anyone can say anything, Raj says, "This jerk is stealing my woman and he's enjoying it. Even though he knows in 6-8 months I was going to make my move!"
Sheldon stares quizzically.
Leonard says, "I'm not stealing anyone. I love Penny."
"Yes you are! She's flirting with you and (something like) you're letting it happen."
Sheldon says, "Well that's unacceptable! I'm her boss. She should be paying attention to me and my needs! Not your pasty white, androgynous sexuality you got going on." while shaking a sugar packet furiously.
Leonard looks at him, "I'M androgynous?!"
"Yes. Look at those lips you have."
"Ugh. So, what do you suggest I do?"
Raj says, "Easy. You tell her your heart belongs to Penny, I become her shoulder to cry on, and in half a year I give it to her good."
They all just sit there and stare at him. He just continues to eat.
Amy, Bernadette, Penny and Sheldon are in Amy's place. The girls are sitting down and Sheldon is making tea. He brings the teapot to the table and says and tells them that he needs advice.
He says, "I have often come to all of you individually when I needed advice on something, but I feel this topic is something I need to have all of you help me with together." He reaches into his bag and pulls out a t-shirt. "You're all officially Sheldon's Council of Ladies." (The shirts are pink and in cursive writing, actually say, "Sheldon Cooper's Council of Ladies.")
Penny looks super confused, turns to Bernadette and whispers, "What's happening?"
Sheldon starts, "I'm having an issue with a colleague at work. For the sake of the conversation and anonymity, I am not going to use real names. Well, we have... Ricardo Shilly Shally. He's a short, bespeckled fellow who lives in the shadows of his brilliant roommate."
Penny says, "It's Leonard."
"Nooooo! Shilly Shally has red hair. AND served two years in the Mexican Army."
"And another employee, she is... well, who we'll call Tandalaya Dinginhamvilat is making flirtatious advances to Ricardo."
Amy speaks up, "It's Alex, isn't it?!"
"Noooooo!" Sheldon exclaims.
Penny gets freaked out, "OKAY. What is going on between Leonard and Alex?!"
Sheldon snaps back, "Woah! Who said anything about Leonard and Alex?!"
"FINE. Ricardo and Tandalaya!"
Bernadette says, "You should talk to her."
"Well, this is actually about their boss. He doesn't know what to do which is why I'm asking advice from all of you. Doctor Einstein Von Brainstorm is usually very smart when it comes to these kinds of things."
"WE KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON, SHELDON." Penny yells.
He says, "Hey! We are not talking about you! We are talking about me! Oh, I MEAN, Doctor Einstein Von Brain, UGH. The cat's out of the bag..."
Bernadette says, "Sheldon, you're her boss. You need to talk to her if she's doing things she's not supposed to be doing."
Penny says, "I'm going to KILL her."
Amy says, "Penny, you just say the word and I've got a lab full of cocaine-addicted monkeys with NOTHING to lose. It would be a shame if one of them somehow ended up in the backseat of her car."
... *collective silence*
"Orrrr in her shower."
Sheldon says, "Well, fine, if the only advice you have is that I talk to her then you do not fulfill your duties. I expected more from Sheldon's council of ladies. Give me your shirts back. Give 'em back."
Sheldon is sitting at his desk and Alex is in the corner with her back to him, filing some stuff in the cabinet. You can tell he's nervous to bring anything up with her.
"Alex," he says, "Can you look at my schedule for this afternoon?"
She says, while pulling out her phone, "Oh, it's pretty open. Oh, wait. 4 o'clock... there's something..." she takes a second to look up, frightened, "Give Alex a-talking to?"
"Oh, I guess that just kinda snuck up on us, huh?"
"Is there a problem?!" She sits down in the chair.
"No, no problem. We'll just call it an opportunity. To correct a very serious problem."
"What did I do?!"
"You don't know? Oh, you poor kid. Your ovaries are oozing so much goofy-juice into your brain that you don't know which way is up."
She looks terrified, btw. Hilarious.
He says, "You made an inappropriate sexual advance on Dr. Hofstadter."
She says, "What? I never made a -sexual- advance on anybody!"
Sheldon says, "I am not unsympathetic to your plea. You know, my father used to say, women are like egg salad sandwiches on a warm Texas day. Full of eggs and only appealing for a short time."
Alex's mouth drops open. "I'm... starting to feel a little uncomfortable, here."
"Yeah, you and me both, sister." Sheldon stands up continues talking, "I am not blaming you for your actions. Listen, evolutionarily speaking, you're just a slave to your primal urges to reproduce. Which is why, during the workday, whenever you start feeling particularly amorous, I suggest leafing through this book that contains lots of graphic photos of sexually transmitted diseases." He flips open to a page and shows it to her, "Look at this oozy-doozy."
Her eyes go super wide, and she looks up at him. "I need to go." and she stands up to leave.
Sheldon says, "Well so does this fellow! But he can't without it burning like hot soup."
She looks flabbergasted, leaves, and slams the door to the office as she leaves.
Penny is walking up the stairs in her Cheesecake Factory uniform, obviously meaning she was just at work. Leonard is whistling, holding his laundry basket and comes out the door of his apartment.
He says, "Heyyy pretty lady!"
She says, "Hello. You seem extra happy today."
"Maybe I am!"
"Any particular reason?" she says, flatly, knowing about what Alex asked him.
"No, I guess I'm just having a good day! Oh! Sheldon fell asleep on the way to work this morning so I got to listen to the radio. It was pretty cool!"
"Uh huh. Anything else?"
"Oh! I found this quiz online that says "What Star Trek character are you?" and it only took me four tries to get Captain Kirk!"
"Okay. Well I am glad you're having such a great day." She walks to her door and starts to unlock it.
He says, "You know what would make it even better? An evening with my special girl!"
She says, "And who is that?"
His smile turns into a frown. "...what do you mean?"
"Oh, I dunno. I just didn't know if you meant me or Alex."
"...why would it be Alex?"
"I know she hit on you and you LIKED it!"
"Yeah. Don't play dumb with me! RICARDO SHILLY SHALLY!" She goes into her apartment and slams the door.
He stands there for a moment. "Yeah, I'm missing something." and walks back to his apartment.
Leonard walks back in the door and Sheldon is sitting at his work area on his laptop.
He asks Sheldon, "Hey, did you say anything to Penny about Alex?"
Sheldon shrugs. "Of course I did, and a foul lot of good it did me! All it did was make her mad at you."
"Why would you tell her that?"
"I needed advice from women. I had no other choice. I would have asked you but let's face it, you don't know a uterus from a unicycle."
Sheldon's phone starts ringing.
Leonard says, "You start by not telling people things like that!"
"See?! That's the kind of thing that would have been nice to know. Any more tips like that and you could be on Sheldon's Council of Ladies!"
He answers the phone. "Hello? Yes. ...what time? ...very well then."
He hangs up. "Huh. That was weird."
"That was human resources at the university. They want to speak with me."
Leonard looks horrified and in the most concerned voice says, "Oh my GOD, what did you do?"
Sheldon sits there for a moment, thinking. "Nothing! I'm a delight."
[Human Resources Office]
Sheldon walks up to the door to HR. The human resources lady is black.
*knock knock knock* "Human resources."
*knock knock knock* "Human resources."
*knock knock knock* "Human resources."
You hear from inside, "...come in?"
He opens the door.
Immediately, the human resources lady says, "Oh, Dr. Cooper. Come in, have a seat."
"Thank you. Why am I here?"
"Alex Jensen has filed a claim against you saying that you said sexually inappropriate things to her."
"Well, according to Ms. Jensen..." She opens the file to read it. "You said she was a slave to her primal urges and that you called her an egg salad sandwich..."
He slowly nods like, yep, I did.
She looks up and says, "Now, I don't know what that means, but I'm gonna go ahead and say you can't say that."
"Oh, I see how that could be construed, but that's not what I meant. I was singling her out! I mean, all women are slaves to their primal urges. There's nothing wrong with it. Even you! You're a slave."
She stares. "What?"
"You're a slave. I mean to say, there's a part of every woman's menstrual cycle..."
She stops him, "WOAH WOAH WOAH. Stop it right there! You just need to shut your mouth, Dr. Cooper."
"I don't see why I'm the one being persecuted here! Dr. Hofstadter would brag about his sexual desirability to anyone who would listen! Howard Wolowitz used university resources for two years to build a 6-breasted sex robot! And I heard Raj Koothrappali, during the office Christmas party, refer to you several times as 'brown sugar'!"
She's shocked. She repeats, "You said that last one was... Rajesh Koothrappali?"
"Yes. Oh, and for the record, that's not meant to be racist. It's not, because he's also brown."
She continues to just stare at him.
Penny hears a knock at the door and opens it. Leonard is sitting outside her door with a violin and is playing it.
He sings her a little song, but it's definitely a joke. At the end he's like, "And I'm really cute so please forgive me?"
She says, "Ohh, shoot, you are." and invites him in.
They sit on the couch and he asks her why she's so upset.
She says, "Well, Alex is pretty and smart. Are you going to leave me?"
He says, "No, why would you even say that? Are you insecure?"
"At least she doesn't have to look up words in the dictionary after talking to you to have an idea of what you're saying."
"You do that?"
She changes the subject back, "Yes, Leonard, I am insecure."
"Well, I'm the one who's insecure. Not you. Without that then I have nothing to bring into this relationship."
"Well, I am."
Leonard is smiling because you can tell he's happy she cares about him, not that she's feeling crappy.
She says, "Why are you smiling?"
He tries hard to frown. "That's awful."
She looks at him, and gives him this troubled look.
He says, "Listen. Come here. It's okay." He puts his arm around her and she looks up at him. "It doesn't mean anything but with multiple girls after me I just feel more like Captain Kirk."
"Keep talking about Captain Kirk and it'll stop."
They smile and bask in the moment, before Leonard's cell phone rings.
He answers it. "Hello? Oh... uh huh... uh, alright..." He hangs up.
"What was that?"
"What did you do?"
"I don't know."
Cut to: Howard and Bernadette:
Howard is hanging up from a phone call. "Huh, that was human resources."
"What did you do?!"
"I don't know..."
Cut to: Raj and his dog:
Raj is hanging up the phone. "Huh, that was weird. I don't know why human resources would be calling m- hey, can you stop licking your ass for two minutes and act like you care?"
The dog, who is sitting on the chair by him, looks up at him and goes back to licking itself.
[Human Resources Office]
Howard and Raj are sitting in the waiting area. Raj is pouring alcohol from a flask into a cup of coffee.
Howard looks surprised, "Are you really going to do that right now?!"
"Seriously? How do you expect me to talk to the human resources lady?"
"Oh, I don't know, seek professional help?"
"I did! The guy at the liquor store said this would go very nicely in coffee."
Leonard walks in from around the corner.
Howard asks, "Hey, you got called in, too?"
He says, "Yeah, Sheldon threw us under the bus."
Howard says, "Ah, well, it's not a big deal. Before I met Bernadette I used to be called in here every other day. Just turn off your "I Love Big Butts" ringtone and you'll be fine. And don't tell her you voted for Obama, it doesn't help as much as you'd think."
Raj says something about her being 'brown sugar' and looks down at his cup of coffee-liquor and says, "This was a mistake."
Leonard says, "I don't understand, though."
Raj says, "Well this is your fault, anyway."
"How is it my fault?"
"If you weren't screwing around with Alex then none of us would be here right now."
"I was NOT screwing around with Alex!"
"Oh, sure, she was 'sniffing around the goods' because she was hunting for truffles."
"That's not my fault, I didn't bury her nose in it."
Raj says something about the HR lady again, and says, "But that's exactly what I'd like to do to her..." then he realizes what he's said. "Seriously, no one is going to take this [coffee] away from me?"
The HR lady opens the door. Howard stands up.
"Hello, Mr. Wolowitz."
"Hi, Jeanine. How are Tom and the kids...?"
"Fine." She looks over at Leonard. "And you must be Dr. Hofstadter?"
He stands up, "Yeah, that's me. And this is all a big misunderstanding."
Raj walks up to her and says, "Yeah! I didn't do anything wrong!"
She immediately questions, "Is that alcohol on your breath?!"
He turns to Howard, "Howard built a sex robot."
She says, "Is that true?"
"It wasn't a sex robot, it was just a robot!"
"Did the robot have 6 breasts?"
He looks at her, "Look, I'm a feminist. I don't notice how many breasts robots have..."
Sheldon walks in from around the corner. She says, "Oh, hi, Dr. Cooper." He says hello and says he needs to speak with her.
She says, "I'm busy at the moment."
He says, "Well, I have a problem concerning sexual things in nature being said to me in the workplace that are making me very uncomfortable."
She says, "By who?!"
He replies, "You, you dirty birdy!"
She looks surprised.
He adds, "Yes, I've been thinking about all the things you said to me yesterday, and I've come to the conclusion that they've made me very uncomfortable. So, be a dear and grab me one of those complaint forms."
She snaps and says, "All right! All of you. Into my office, RIGHT NOW!"
The three of them walk in and Sheldon walks up slowly.
He says, "You taught me that I shouldn't asking if you're on your menstrual cycle."
She looks at him.
He says, "Judging by how you're acting, I don't need to." and walks in the door.
Later, Sheldon and Alex are sitting in his office.
He says, "Alex. I realize I may have said some things the other day that made you uncomfortable and that were inappropriate, and for that I offer my sincerest apology."
She says, "Thank you, Dr. Cooper."
He continues, "And the university it mandating me to complete an online sexual harassment seminar to ensure things like this don't happen in the future."
She says, "All right. Thank you."
He says, "Something else, though. My time is far too valuable to be spent doing something like this, so I'm going to have to ask you to complete this for me." He turns the laptop around so it's facing her.
He gets up to walk away, and before walking out the door, he says, "I'd get on that and do a good job, they're pretty mad." and walks out.
Penny and Leonard are standing in the kitchen. She's handing him dishes and she's washing them.
She says, "So, I was thinking, instead of continuing to be insecure, I decided to do something about it. I picked up a course catalog from the community college and started looking at all the science classes."
He looks proud. "Wow, that's great!"
"No it's not. They're all super boring, how do you not kill yourself EVERY DAY? So I figured, I don't need to be a scientist, but I can look like one. So I bought these."
She holds up a pair of black glasses.
He says, "Glasses?"
"Yep!" She puts them on.
"Those aren't going to do anyt- OH MY GOD, YOU'RE SO SMART AND HOT."
She says, "I know, right? Watch this."
She pulls the glasses down slowly and sensually whispers, "Molecules."
He says, "Oh god. Okay, come with me."
"Where are we going?"
"My bedroom so I can take everything off except for those glasses! ...and maybe those boots."
The end! Bam.