The Santa Simulation
Let me preface and say that I'm not going to post all the dialogue because there wasn't very much and the episode, in my opinion, left a lot to be desired. I will include things that were witty but this episode, um... wasn't funny. There were two hilarious lines but for the most part, eh. I don't want to completely underwhelm everybody. As Sheldon would say, "I would hardly call that dialogue!"
The only two sets they used today were the L/S apartment and the nightclub. Nothing else.
Anyway, the first scene was a playback of something they filmed yesterday.
The first part is Leonard is with Penny in her apartment and he's telling her that on Saturday he's going to have the guys over for a game of Dungeons and Dragons. She asks him why and he says that it's long overdue and they don't get to play that often any more. She asks him if he'd rather do that than have sex with her. He kind of thinks about it but again, tells her that they need to do a 'guys' thing.
The scene cuts to Sheldon and Amy in the L/S apartment and she's asking him about Saturday and he mentions the Dungeons and Dragons game. Amy tells him that it sounds like fun, but he tells her that she's not invited. She looks disappointed.
It cuts to Howard and Bernadette chatting via webcam and he's in his room, and she's at work (in her uniform). He's telling her that they're having a guys night and they're playing D&D. She tells him she's sad because she's been working a lot lately and she worked to get Saturday night off so they could spend time together. He reiterates that he really wants to do it, but also says he doesn't want anyone bad-mouthing her because she made him miss the game and they couldn't play without him. She looks at him and says, "You're an idiot." and he says, "Yes, but I'm YOUR idiot."
Then you see the view from her laptop screen, and he gets all close to the camera and puts his hand up and points to his ring and says, "FOR EVAHHHHH." which was funny.
Cut to Raj's apartment and Raj is talking to Stuart. He's telling him about how it's a guys night and they're going to play D&D. Stuart says it sounds like a great idea and he's clearly stoked for it.
Then they started filming live in the L/S apartment.
The guys are sitting in their regular spots, and Stuart is there sitting on the floor next to the couch.
Leonard hands Sheldon a stocking on it (that says "Sheldon") and Sheldon says, "Oh, how nice. But you know I don't like Christmas." and Leonard tells him just to open the stocking. Sheldon says he finds stockings weird because socks are always in pairs and stockings never are.
Howard says, "Pirate with a peg leg?" and Sheldon replies, "Thanks, Howard, that actually helps."
He opens it and pulls out a scroll. "Ohh, I love scrolls! They're my third favorite medium of the written word. After stone writing and sky writing." He opens it and it's the details that being their D&D story. They come upon a village where elves had lived and clearly a huge battle had taken place. The head honcho is Santa. Sheldon doesn't like that idea but Leonard thought it would be nice to spice up the game with a little Christmas twist.
Raj gets excited and says, "Oooo, I can't wait to pull out my wand and shoot my magic all over that guy's ass!"
Stuart looks at him. "Do you hear yourself when you say these things?"
Leonard rolls for Howard. They continue to play. Raj says, "Santa, I'm coming for you!"
They roll for Raj, his character gets eaten by a cannibal. He's really upset and he's like, "Does anyone have a rod of resurrection? I need it bad! If you have a rod just GIVE IT TO ME!"
Stuart says, "You really need to think about stuff before you say it out loud."
There's a knock at the door and it's Penny. She pokes her head in. She says, "Sorry to interrupt your game but I figured I'd just like to let you see what you're missing out on!"
She walks in, pulls out her phone and it starts playing music that you'd hear at a runway fashion show.
Bernadette walks in wearing this dead-sexy red dress (oh my god, so hot - remember, I'm a pansexual woman and hollllly bejeezus) and Penny's saying, "Bernadette is wearing a red dress from Forever 21!"
Bernie walks out, and Amy walks in wearing a nice, patterned dress and a nice jacket. You could see some of her legs and she was wearing nice shoes. It was like one of her typical outfits but less layers and nicer colors. She looked nice.
Penny says, "And there's Amy, showing quite a bit of ankle! And an outfit that I'm assuming is from Forever 63..."
Then Penny undoes the overcoat that she's wearing and has this sexy black dress on and she says, "And this is the dress that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty!"
Sheldon looks over to Leonard and says, "I know they're making a rhetorical point, I just have no idea what it is."
Penny says, "We're going out drinking! See you later."
Raj speaks up, and he sounds so unbelievably sad when he says this, "Can I come? My character died..."
Bernadette says, "Sorry, girls night only!" and Amy adds, "Maybe next time."
They all walk out. A couple seconds later Penny pokes her head back in the door, and playfully says, "C'mon!" and Raj jumps up and off the couch and says, "Awww, yeah, girls night! WOOT WOOT!"
The camera goes back to Stuart and says, "I don't think he hears that..." (in reference to stuff he says that sounds bad)
They show Raj, Bernie, Amy, and Penny in the nightclub standing at the table.
Amy asks if they're all going to find someone to take home. Penny and Bernie are shocked she would even say something like that and both say, "No!"
Amy says, "Who's forever 63 now..." while taking a drink of champagne.
Bernadette speaks up and suggests they should find someone for Raj. (This was the most crucial part of the episode, I think.)
At first he's like, "No, it's fine." and they insist.
It cuts back to the guys playing D&D. Leonard is talking about how he's never enjoyed Christmas because on Christmas his family wrote research papers and left those for Santa instead of milk and cookies.
Leonard says, "And you knew he came because in the morning the paper would be graded." Sheldon, of course, is like, "Ohhh, I envy you, that sounds great!" but we've heard stuff like that before when they talk about their parents.
Leonard says, "No, it sucked, I got a C- four years in a row."
Sheldon says, "I'm familiar with your work, the C- was your gift." (LOL BURN)
Sheldon gets up and walks to the kitchen.
Stuart mentions how he's been doing well because his therapist changed his anxiety medication and now he doesn't care about the blood in his stool.
Howard is like, "Great story..."
Sheldon sits back down and has a mug with eggnog in it. Leonard asks, "You're drinking eggnog?"
"Yes, why? Is there a problem?"
"No, it's just interesting seeing you enjoy a holiday beverage. Very Christmas-y."
"It's not Christmas-y. Eggs are available all year. I've been known to drink this pool-side."
"I dunno, Sheldon. I see the eggnog mustache you have goin' on over there. Admit it, you're a little into the Christmas spirit."
Sheldon shrugs it off and doesn't agree.
Back at the nightclub, Raj is talking with a girl at the actual bar and Penny, Amy, and Bernie are standing at the table they were originally at. Bernadette says, "Wow, he's doing great with that girl."
Penny says, "Of course he is! She's vulnerable, just got broken up with by her boyfriend, she's angry, she's drunk, and her favorite movie is Slumdog Millionaire." (also an overused statement at this point)
Raj walks back to the table and they ask how it went. He says, "Great! I bought her a few drinks, we chatted, and she gave me her email address!" while holding the paper she wrote on. They're all telling him good job and stuff, and Bernadette takes the paper and reads out loud, "[email protected]
Raj looks really sad and he says, "What... ?" and they all feel bad for him and tell him sorry. He says, "It's okay. I'll just always be alone. She was too beautiful for me."
Penny says, "Why do you say that?"
He says, "Oh come on. I do it all the time. I fall for women I can't have that are too good for me. I even did it with the two of you!"
Amy says, "Two of you... ? I don't understand?"
He says, "Oh, I once had a thing for Penny because I thought she had a thing for me too. She got drunk, took off all her clothes and crawled into bed with me. Apparently I misread those signals..."
"And you had a thing for Bernadette as well?" asks Amy.
"Yeah, but, that was BEFORE Penny. I only fall for one of my friends' girlfriends at a time. I'm old fashioned that way."
And Amy is standing there, and says, "Well, at some point, that means... you also had a thing for me, huh?"
He says, "Um. No."
She looks at him. "No? You didn't?"
Penny says, with a look on her face like 'you idiot' says, "Really? Not even a liiiittle bit?"
He doesn't catch on and says, "No, not that I can think of."
Bernadette says, "Think harder."
He says, "Nope. I've got nothing. The heart wants what the heart wants. Or doesn't want, in this case. Not. At. All."
Amy is clearly upset.
It cuts back to the guys playing D&D and they're almost at the end of their game. They're going into the final battle stages and about to find Santa.
(I'm leaving out some jokes here because I'd rather not spoil the better parts for everyone, they're small lines though.)
Leonard tells them that they've found Santa and he's trapped and needs to be freed, and they have the key to do it.
Leonard puts on a Santa hat and says, "You find Santa and he says, 'ho, ho, help... me...'"
Stuart says, "I take the key... and free Santa!" and Sheldon stands up and says, "But before that, I paralyze Stuart and Howard!"
Howard says, "What?"
Sheldon replies, "You can't talk. You're paralyzed." and gets up and stands next to Leonard. He goes into a big speech about how the last time they met was at the mall in Texas when he was 5. He said that when he sat on Santa's lap, he asked for Santa to bring "pop-pop" back because he died that year.
There's a pause in Sheldon's speech and Leonard looks over to Stuart and quietly says, "This is weird, right... ?"
Sheldon continues. Santa didn't bring him back and he always hated him for it. He said he missed pop-pop very much and he was the only one in the family (along with memaw) that encouraged him to pursue science.
He says, "Sorry, Mr. Kringle, but it's not your day. I am leaving you to ROT and I hope that ogres eat your BONES."
He walks over to the table and picks up the game piece. "I take the key and throw it, and before I leave I KICK SANTA IN HIS JOLLY GUT." (he raised his voice pretty loud for this)
Then he sits down and Leonard just blinks, like he's about to cry and says, "Oh... kay..." and he slowly slips off the Santa hat. "Stuart and Howard are paralyzed... Santa is dead... and I chose this over having sex with my girlfriend..."
Sheldon sighs happily and says, "I feel GREAT! It's like a weight has been lifted. Thank you, Leonard. This turned out to be a pleasant holiday after all."
Howard says, "Yay, Christmas is saved! ...don't ever tell my mom I said that."
Back at the nightclub, Raj is saying, "Amy, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to upset you."
She says, "No, no. It's fine. I'm used to being the girl that never gets looked at twice. Though none of you would understand."
Raj says, "No, I understand. In 7th grade I was playing spin the bottle and it landed on [some Indian name I cannot remember] and she told me that if I tried to kiss her that she'd break the bottle and cut me."
Amy retorts, "Oh yeah, you think that's bad? I once passed out at a frat party and woke up with MORE clothes on." (LMAO.)
Raj says, "Yeah? Sometimes I sit on my left hand so it gets numb and then I hold hands with myself and pretend it's someone else."
Amy looks at him sincerely and says, "I do that too."
"Yeah, and sometime my hand tries to cop a feel. And I let it."
"Wow, it's nice to talk to someone that knows what it's like to be lonely."
She says, "It is, isn't it?"
"But, you're not lonely any more. You have Sheldon!"
"I do. And someday you will have somebody, too."
He puts his hand on her shoulder. "I can only hope she is half as lovely and amazing as you are."
"Aw, thank you, Rajesh."
There's a shared silence between everyone before Amy says, "Okay, he wants me, we're good, let's go!" and she starts to leave the nightclub.
They follow and Raj says, "Aw, dammit."
Penny asks, "What?"
He says, "Now that I know I can't have her, I kind of want her."
Then the scene cuts to Sheldon's dream sequence.
In the dream, he walks out into the livingroom in his pajamas, and Santa is putting gifts under the tree. "Santa?"
"Hi, Sheldon. You are supposed to be asleep!"
"Then you shouldn't have jingle bells on your boots..."
"Sheldon, I feel really bad about what you asked me. I'm able to do a lot of magical things but unfortunately, bringing back pop-pop was not one of them..."
"But I do have something else for you, close your eyes."
He closes his eyes. "What is it?"
"I can't tell you, you'll really like it."
"Is it a train?"
"No, even better."
"Two trains?!" His eyes are still closed.
"Nope, even more than that."
He says, so matter-of-factly, "I'm getting three trains."
He tells Sheldon to open his eyes, and he's holding a burning torch and is standing next to a canon pointing at him. Sheldon's eyes go wide.
He says, "You left me to rot! YOU LEFT ME AND OGRES ATE MY BONES."
Sheldon is trying to defend himself and Santa just says, "MERRY CHRISTMAS, YA DORK." and lights the canon and it shoots.
Then Sheldon wakes up frantically, sitting up in bed. Then the episode ends.
WHAT THE HECK, WRITERS?!