The Fish Guts Displacement
The four guys are sitting in their usual spots playing a board game. It's quiet.
Sheldon breaks the silence. "Is anyone else bothered by the Spiderman theme song?"
Leonard says, "No... but that's your third favorite cartoon theme song."
"Yes. After na-na-na-NA-NAA Inspector Gadget!" while extending his neck up and down with the tune of the line. Then he follows with, while bobbing his head back and forth, "And Teenage Mutant Ninja Tuuuurtles! Heroes in a half shell."
They all join in, "Turtle power!"
"So what's wrong with the Spiderman theme song?"
Sheldon replies, "It goes like this: Spiderman. Spiderman. Does whatever a spider can."
"So?" asks Howard.
"So, I can think of many things Spiderman can't do that a spider can. 1) Crawl into your ear and die. 2) Legally border hop into Guatemala without a passport. 3) Have sex with a spider. I could go on and on but I don't feel I need to."
[Originally on the first take, the three things were 1) crawl into your ear and die. I forget what 2 was, but 3 was swim in a toilet bowl, which I thought was hilarious.]
Raj says, "Ugh, can we change the subject? Spiders give me the jeebie jeebies."
Howard looks at him like he's a fool. "It's heebie jeebies."
"Yeah, but that just sounds anti-Semitic. How about we have a movie marathon of movies that killed their franchises?"
Leonard looks up, "Yeah, that sounds like fun. Like Jaws 4. Indiana Jones 4. Daredevil 1..."
Raj adds, "Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. You KNOW a movie is bad when my girl Sandra B. can't even save it."
"Well, Penny's working tonight, so I'm in."
Raj asks, "Sheldon, do you have plans?"
"Unfortunately, yes. Amy is taking me with her to a memorial service. It was a colleague at her work. He was of Asian descent, so my plan is when (this is fuzzy, sorry) anyone talks to me, I'll just casually mention the fact that no matter how deep they dig his grave, it'll never get him back to China."
Leonard says, "That'll lighten the mood..."
"Well, you know what they say, I put the 'fun' in funeral."
"How about you, Howard?"
"No, I can't. I'm having dinner with Bernadette and her parents."
Leonard laughs a little, "Oh, we know how much you LOVE that!"
"It's always bad, we have nothing to talk about." Howard says.
Sheldon says, "You can talk about all the things that Spiderman can't do that a spider can."
"Actually, you can't use that one, it's mine!" He continues, "Oh, you could talk about how nowhere in the 50 States, including Alaska and Hawaii, can you dig a hole so deep that it will take you to China."
"Actually, you can't use that one either, it's too good."
Then they all sort of just bask in the weirdness for a moment.
Sheldon walks up to her door, wearing a suit, clearly ready to go to a service.
*knock knock knock* "Amy."
*knock knock knock* "Amy."
"Oh, right, service."
*knock knock knock* *drops head down and sounds sad* Amy.
Amy opens the door and she's in a robe. Her hair is a mess and she looks sick.
"I don't get to wear my Silver Surfer tie and you get to wear a bath robe? Not cool."
"I think I'm too sick to go to the funeral."
"Aw, you poor kid. Well, see ya." and he turns around and starts walking away.
She's like, "Sheldon, where are you going?"
"There's a marathon for movies I hate going on at my place right now. If I leave I can probably catch the anticlimactic ending of Ghostbusters 2."
"The roommate agreement says that when one of us is sick, the other has to take care of them..."
"Oh, yeah, I see where that can be confusing. That clause is really meant to force you into taking care of ME when I'm ill."
"You know what, it's fine. Goodbye Sheldon." She shuts the door.
He starts walking away, and comes back.
*knock knock knock* "Amy."
*knock knock knock* "Amy."
*knock knock knock* "Amy."
She opens the door and just looks at him.
"I made a commitment to you in writing. Additionally, you are my girlfriend and I care about your well-being. I will take care of you."
She's surprised, since it's obviously a nice sentiment. "Thank you, Sheldon."
He says, "Let's get this over with." and shows himself into the apartment.
[bernadette's Parents' Place]
Howard is sitting on the couch with Bernadette's dad, who is holding a beer.
Howard clearly doesn't know what to say and they're just hanging out in silence, while Bernadette and her mom are cooking in the kitchen, which is like 5 feet away.
Howard says, "How have you been?"
"Fine." he answers.
"Good! Good. Fine is... good. So, how's retirement?"
"Ah. I'm sensing a theme."
"It's pretty warm out."
"It's warm, you know. But not too... warm..."
He turns to Bernadette and whispers across the space between the couch and kitchen, "How long until dinner?"
"I just put it in so it's gonna be a while."
"I'm okay with raw chicken, let's do this!"
Bernadette looks at him and cutely says, "No. You could die." with a huge smile on her face.
Bernadette's mom walks over and hands her husband another beer. "Here's another beer, honey."
Howard turns to her, "Hey, Mrs. Rostenkowski, I heard you took a trip to the Grand Canyon. How was it?"
She sweetly says, "Oh! It was good!" then just stares at him.
He says, "You know, I tell people I wouldn't know the Grand Canyon from a hole in the ground."
She answers, bluntly, "That's what it is." and slowly stares and turns around.
He doesn't know what to do, and turns to Bernadette's dad and says, "I had no idea you were the chatty one. Excuse me."
He gets up and walks over to the oven and Bernadette says, "What are you doing?"
Howard replies, "I don't want to live. I'm eating the chicken."
[They did do a second take in which Howard asks, "Have you ever thought about the Spiderman theme song?" and her dad just stares at him and he's like, "How long until dinner?"]
Amy is resting on her couch under a blanket with a thermometer in her mouth. It beeps. Sheldon pulls it out of her mouth and looks at it.
"102.2... exactly the same it was a half hour ago. It's like you're not even trying to get better!"
"Sheldon, you don't get over the flu in 30 minutes."
"Well not with that attitude! Do you believe in the placebo effect?"
"Sure, there are lots of data and studies that prove its validity."
"Well, then, I have some medication here..." and he pulls out a case of Tic-Tacs, lol, and says something like, "This is specifically designed to help you get better faster and to also give you fresh breath."
She grabs it out of his hand and puts it on her coffee table. "This isn't going to help me. Maybe you should just let me rest."
"Let you rest? I'm not done taking care of you."
"No!" he says, as he's getting up and walking to her kitchen, "I still have to put a cold rag on your forehead, sing to you, and put vapor rub on your chest."
Her eyes open up and she sits up a little more. "You want to rub... something on my chest?"
He doesn't catch her sexual referencing. "Yes, all over it!"
She blinks, and thinks for a moment. She coughs, "Well I guess we should start with that!" and totally knows what's going on, while Sheldon is oblivious.
He says, "There! Now you're being a responsible patient." He grabs the vapor rub and sits on the couch beside her. He puts some on his fingers and she's already sitting up and pulling her shirt down.
He says, "You might feel a tingling sensation."
And she just says, "Oh, I'm countin' on it."
[bernadette's Parents' Place]
All four of them are sitting at the dinner table with food. Howard says, "Let's dig in!" and immediately after, Bernie's dad starts saying Grace. Howard doesn't know what to do because he just sits there, and we all know he's Jewish. Lol.
Bernadette asks, "So, dad, are you going fishing this weekend?"
Howard tries to build off this. "So you like to fish?"
Her dad is blunt. "YES."
Howard whispers to Bernadette, "Help me."
She says, "Dad, you and Howard should go fishing together, I think it'd be good."
Howard doesn't want to, you can tell, so he says, "OH, don't we have that thing that weekend?"
"Oh, that thing..."
"Ohhh, that thing." she says, "I canceled that thing." (lol)
Her dad says, "Yeah, I guess you can tag along."
Howard whispers back, "Thanks for the help."
Bernadette's mom asks, "What was the thing?"
"Oh, we were... um... going to go to the Grand Canyon, since you said it was so nice."
"It was!" she says, as she continues to just stare more.
[staircase going up to the L/S apartment]
Howard says, "Now I'm going fishing with her dad. It's going to be a disaster. I don't have anything to talk about."
Raj casually says, "You should tell him how you slept with your cousin. Everyone I tell that story to LOVES it!"
Leonard says, "That'll probably bore him, the guy's a retired cop. Maybe you should tell him about how you got your feathers for your costume."
"You guys are NOT helping!"
Leonard asks, "Oh, did you think we were trying to help?"
Raj then says, "The only way to get better at things is to practice. Do you guys know how many beef wellingtons I had to make before I served one to you? You can see evidence of that here, here, and here..." whilst pointing to his stomach, hips, and ass, lol.
Howard asks, "Do either of you know how to fish?"
They think. "Hm, who do we know that's manly?"
The scene cuts to Penny opening her door, so they clearly think of her as manlier than the rest of them, haha.
Penny, Howard, Raj, and Leonard are all standing around the island in the kitchen.
Penny is standing on one side with a brown paper bag. She says, "Fishing is simple. It's mostly just sittin' around." as she's pulling a can out of the bag.
"That's the problem." Howard says. "We don't have anything to talk about."
Penny says, "Then don't talk. Most guys aren't talkers."
Raj, drinking a beer, adds, "This is true. There is a good bit on Dr. Phil about how men don't communicate. We don't talk. We just bottle things up until we can't take it any more. We're just testosterone-filled enigmas, am I right?"
Penny says, "Not you."
Then she adds, "So, there are a couple of things you need to know about fishing that can possibly make you look like a wuss. The first thing is worms."
She takes the can and flips it over onto a plate on the table and all these worms are wriggling about in their little pile.
Howard immediately goes, "Ewww!"
She says, "Okay, see, that's something you're not going to want to say in front of your father-in-law. It's right up there with "Icky!" and "get it away!" Okay. Grab one."
"Well, yeah, you're gonna have to do it while you're fishing!"
Howard tries and tries but can't seem to grab onto one.
Penny pulls a hook out of the bag and says, "Now hook the worm."
Howard picks up a worm and literally just hangs it over the hook instead of baiting it properly.
Leonard leans over, "I'm not an expert, but... I think the hook has to go through the worm."
Howard holds the worm and pulls it off. "Sorry, worm. Sherm. Sherm the worm..."
Penny says, "Don't name it, just stick a hook through it's face!"
Howard is struggling, and Raj says, "You can do it, Howard."
Leonard adds, "Yeah, Howard, hook that worm!"
"You can do it!"
Penny sighs. "Cheerleading? Yeah, way to man things up, guys."
Sheldon is sitting in a chair and reading a genetics book to Amy in the fashion of how one would read someone else a bed time story.
She says, "Read it to me again!" after he puts it down. He says, "No, I have to get you down for a nap. Plus the vapor rub just gets you really fired up, for some reason." There's a knock at the door so he gets up and answers it. It's Bernadette.
She says, "How's the poor thing?"
He says, "I'm doing fine, thank you for asking."
He lets her in, and she sits down on the couch and says, "Here, Amy, we're working on a lot of stuff at the lab and I brought you these drugs. This one is making great strides in helping with congestion, but a side effect is that it may make your tears feel like acid, so if you do decide to take it, happy thoughts!" She starts pulling out more capsules from her purse and Sheldon says, "Amy, I'm going to prepare you a soothing, warm bath. Where's your bath thermometer?"
She answers, "I don't have a bath thermometer."
"Oh. Well then. I shall just make you a nerve-wracking bath of indeterminable temperature." He leaves the livingroom and goes to her bathroom.
Bernadette is explaining another drug to her. "This one will make you smell like peppery cheese!" [in another take, she said something else, but I can't remember the side effect.]
Amy sits up and says, "Listen, I don't need your drugs, I'm not really sick."
"Yeah, see the stuff up my nose? Rubber cement."
"So you've been lying to him?"
"Yes. Well I got better two days ago, but it's just been so nice having Sheldon taking care of me."
"I don't mean to be judge-y, but isn't that what lunatics do?"
"You're right... I'll tell him. I can't keep doing this."
You hear Sheldon from down the hallway. "Amy! Do you think you'll have enough strength to bathe yourself, or will you need my help?"
Amy and Bernadette give each other this really blank stare.
Amy says, "I'll tell him tomorrow." as she gets up to go down the hallway. She turns her head, "Mama needs a bath."
Still on the topic of fishing. They are standing at the island, but now there is a dead fish on the table.
Penny says, "Now, by some miracle you actually go out there and catch a fish, you're gonna have to know how to gut it."
She picks up the fish. "First, you're gonna grab your knife, and slice him right up his belly." and she's doing this, and the guys all gag really loud.
She continues, "But you can't slice him too deep, otherwise his blood with squirt everywhere all over you."
"YUCK." they all gag.
"Oh, come on, guys! You can't do this stuff?"
Leonard says, "It's not our fault. Our dads never did stuff like this with any of us."
"Never?" she asks.
"No, my dad's an anthropologist. The most father-son bonding he ever did was with this 2,000 year old skeleton of an Etrusken boy. I hated that kid."
Raj follows, "My dad just took me to his gynecologist office. I was so bored that I took vaginal lubricant, put it under my shoes and pretended I was ice skating."
Howard says. "Yeah, my father-son bonding time was spending my childhood waiting by the window for my dad to come back..."
Raj blinks, "Yeah, Howard wins..."
Leonard says, "Well, now you have a dad who wants to go fishing with you."
Howard says, "You're right. I should really know how to do this."
Penny hands him the fish and she says, "Now put your thumb in its mouth and go down its throat and rip its guts out."
Howard is able to do this, and he actually pulls some guts out of it and holds them up.
Penny points to it and says, "Aww, look, it was a female! See, you can see all the eggs!"
And all the guys nearly throw up, LOL.
Amy is alone, and drinking Sunkist or something from a glass. She's got "Walking On Sunshine" playing in her apartment and she's modestly dancing around in her apartment. She hears Sheldon about to come in so she quickly turns off the music and gets under the blanket.
He comes in and she says, "Oh, hi Sheldon. Listen, I think I've taken a turn for the worst. I think I'm gonna need another bath..."
He says, "Oh really? I was concerned you weren't getting better, so the other night while you were asleep I did a cheek swab and had it cultured at the lab."
"Oh...?" (She knows she's in trouble now.)
"Yes. Here are the results." He hands her a paper. "Tell me, are you experiencing any of the following symptoms? Um, growing nose? Warm sensations in the trouser region? Otherwise known as full-blown LIAR LIAR, PANTS ON FIRE?!"
She comes clean, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I just really liked that you were taking care of me."
"Amy, it hurts me that you would lie to me. I thought our relationship was based on trust and mutual admiration that skews highly in my favor."
She says she knows she's sorry and he says that he feels a penalty is in order.
She agrees and asks what it should be. He says, "Well if I could I'd lock you up in a stockade in the public square. It probably needs a permit..."
She says, "Maybe I shouldn't be allowed to go to the premiere of the next Star Trek movie?"
"Oh, I think that's a bit harsh... you succumbed to human weakness, you didn't kill a man. You know, perhaps it is a bit old school, but my father was never one to spare a rod when my brother got into the truck and drank all his driving whiskey."
There's a long pause.
"Are... you saying you want to spank me?"
"Oh, no, I don't want to! But you leave me no choice."
"No, I didn't... I'm a... bad girl."
[bernadette's Parents' Garage]
Bernadette's dad is packing up stuff in the back of the pickup truck for their fishing trip. Howard comes into the garage in full fishing gear and says, "Hi ho, hi ho! It's off to fish we go..."
Her dad asks, "You're wearing that?"
He says, "Well, yeah, that's what the person at the store said that fisherman wear."
"Yeah, maybe in cartoons."
"Well if it's not for people who go fishing, then who's it for?"
Her dad says, "Well, we should get going." He sets his gun in the bed of the truck. "I wouldn't mind shooting some ducks in the morning."
"Oh..." he says, kind of terrified, "We're shooting things now?"
"I like to use big shells. You can't eat 'em afterwards, but it's fun to watch 'em blow up."
Howard says, "Sir, I want to get to know you, but I just feel like this trip isn't the way to do it."
"Then why'd you agree to come?"
"Bernadette made me..."
"I tried backing out, too, but my wife told me I had to."
"Your wife tells you what to do? But you're a scary cop."
"Your wife tells you what to do and you're an astronaut. AND she's four feet tall."
"Well, what do we do? They're expecting us to be gone for the weekend."
They sit down on the truck bed.
Her dad says, "There's an Indian casino near Palm Springs. Can you shoot Craps?"
"No, but I'm not stranger to dice games. I was the [insert Jewish school name] Yahtzee champion!"
Her dad looks at him, and says, "Mazel tov. I'll teach ya."
Howard is touched. "Really? Wow. Thank you, sir."
He looks at him. "Call me Mike. Now let's get going."
They both get up and go to get in the truck and Howard says, "Looks like we're just married to a couple of ball-busters, eh, Mike?!"
He says, "That's my wife and daughter you're talking about."
Howard realizes what he did. "Yeah! A couple of great gals."
"Well, I wouldn't go that far..."
Amy and Sheldon are sitting on her couch.
He says, "Are you prepared to receive your punishment?"
She slowly nods. "Yes. But, first. I want to put on some music."
"I don't want to disturb the people next door when you're disciplining me."
She flicks on the music and it's "mood" music and he looks back, quizzical, then looks at her again.
"Alright, get over my knees. Let's go."
So, poor Mayim... oh my god (a lucky duck, let me tell you) gets over Jim's legs. You know, like how you'd spank a child.
The actual take, I believe, is him about to spank her, then the camera zooms into a statuette on her side table by the couch. It's the Three Wise Monkeys. Then you hear a 'spank!' and the scene is done and it ends the episode.
I'm not sure if what we saw after is going to air or anything, or they just showed it to us just because, but they ended up showing us Jim spanking Mayim multiple times. Lots of laughter ensued.
You also hear Mayim go, "Oh! Oh!" when he spanks her, and he says, "Excuse me! You're not supposed to be enjoying this!"
And she replies, "Then maybe you should spank me harder!"
He says, "Maybe I will!" and he spanks her harder, and she laughs hysterically.