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  1. Nope. Both Leonard and Mandy mentioned that it was only a kiss.
  2. The transcript for the third episode of season 12, 1203 The Procreation Calculation is now up. For those that are reading or looking through these transcripts, if you see a punctuation, or factual error, drop me a DM, so I can fix it.
  3. The Procreation Calculation Season 12 Episode 03 Teleplay by: Story by: Steve Holland Chuck Lorre & & Maria Ferrari Tara Hernandez & & Anthony Del Broccolo Adam Faberman COLD OPEN SCENE A ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Counter clockwise around coffee table. Leonard, Penny, Sheldon, Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Raj) THE GANG AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE EATING. RAJ ON FLOOR, STANDS, WALKS TO KITCHEN. BERNADETTE: So, Penny, we were talking to our neighbors and they’re thinking of moving and selling their house. PENNY: Really, why? HOWARD: Something about babies crying and keeping them up all night, it’s not important. You guys should totally take a look at it. PENNY LAUGHS BERNADETTE: We could be neighbors. AMY: Hey, wait a minute, what about us? AMY MOVES HER HAND INDICATING SHELDON AND HERSELF. AMY: We’re married now, maybe we want to buy the house next door. SHELDON: Amy, we can’t move, I’d have to change all the tags in my underwear. AMY: You can buy new ones. SHELDON: Wha……new house, new underwear, what are I, in the witness protection program? HOWARD: Okay, guys, so what do ya think? LEONARD: I don’t know, we’re pretty happy here. PENNY: Yeah, plus, if we moved, we’d probably just get a loft, downtown. LEONARD: Really? I always figured we’d get a place with a yard. PENNY: Oh, sure, that makes sense, so you could (sarcastic) shoot hoops, and mow the lawn? HOWARD: How are you two married? LEONARD: You were there, I wore her down. PENNY POINTS TO LEONRD PENNY: He did, RAJ WALKS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM, AND SITS ON THE FLOOR. RAJ: You two should have talked about this stuff, while you were dating. Me and Anu, already know so much about each other. BERNADETTE: Wait, I forget, is Anu your waxer? RAJ: Ah, no, that’s Annette, Anu is the woman my father fixed me up with. We’re going on our first date tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to see Annette. AMY: You’re really letting your father pick out a wife? RAJ: Why not, arranged marriages have been working for thousands of years. Anu and I come from similar backgrounds. Our families get along, and we each filled out questionnaires, so we know we’re not wasting our time with someone who is not compatible. PENNY: Wow, that sounds so dry and clinical. SHELDON: You lucky duck. LEONARD: I just don’t think you can truly know someone, until you’ve spent a lot of time with them. RAJ: Really? What’s Penny’s dream vacation? PENNY TURNS TO LEONARD, EXPECTANTLY LEONARD: Ahhhhhhh, Malibu beach house. PENNY: That’s Barbie’s dream vacation. TURNS TOWARD RAJ PENNY: Maybe you should send us that questionnaire CUT TO OPENING TITLES ACT 1 ATOM CUT TO SCENE B WOLOWITZ’S LIVING ROOM (Howard, Bernadette) HOWARD ON COUCH, BERNADETTE IN A CHAIR, BOTH READING. HOWARD: Enjoying your book? BERNADETTE: So much. HOWARD MAKES A POKING MOTION SHELDON: Why do you keep poking at it. BERNADETTE PICKS UP HER PHONE FROM THE BOOK BERNADETTE: Fine, I’m shopping on my phone. HOWARD: You’re the one that said you wanted to read more. BERNADETTE: Yes, I also tell people that I only feed the kids organic. It’s just stuff you say. [SFX] DOOR CLOSING. DENISE AND STUART ENTER STOP UPSTAGE OF COUCH. DENISE: Hey STUART: Hello HOWARD: Hey. How was your night? STUART: Ahhhh, it was great, we went to an improv show. DENISE: They asked the audience to suggest a word, and they used Stuart’s BERNADETTE: Oh, cool, what was it? STUART (smiling and proud): Coconuts DENISE: It was such a good one. STUART: It just came to me. What are you guys up to? HOWARD: Reading DENISE: Oh, nice, I wish I read more. BERNADETTE: Well, if it’s important, you find the time. HOWARD GIVES BERNADETTE A WTF LOOK. STUART: You want to see my room? DENISE: Yeah. STUART: Cool. DENISE AND STUART EXIT, TO HIS ROOM BERNADETTE: How do you feel about this? HOWARD: That she can clearly do better, but that’s not for me to say. BERNADETTE POINTS TOWARDS STUARTS ROOM. BERNADETTE: No, with them in his room, doing stuff. HOWARD: Oh, come on, we’re sitting right out here. They’re not gonna do anything. [SFX] SADE’S “SMOOTH OPERATOR” STARTS PLAYING. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE LOOK AT STUARTS ROOM, THEN BACK TO EACH OTHER. HOWARD: I’d like to change my answer. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE LOOKED BOTHERED. SCENE C ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Leonard, Penny) PENNY SITTING ON THE COUCH, LEONARD ON THE CHAIR, HE’S PAINTING HER FINGERNAILS. PENNY: Wow, you really are good at this. LEONARD: Well, I’ve spent a lot of time painting D & D miniatures. I know that makes you want to rip my shirt off, but wait until your nails are dry. PENNY AND LEONARD SMILE AT EACH OTHER. [SFX] TONE FROM LEONARD’S PHONE. LEONARD: Oh, it’s Raj. He sent us that Indian marriage questionnaire PENNY: Oooohhh, read one. LEONARD READS FROM PHONE. LEONARD: Okay…… How religious are you? That’s easy, both of us, not at all. PENNY: No, I wouldn’t say not at all. I mean, I am pretty spiritual, I do go to yoga, so…… LEONARD: Great, so your church is Our Lady of the Stretchy Pants. Next question…… ahhhh, how close are you with your family. PENNY: Pretty close. LEONARD: I’m gonna say not too close, but I’m hoping to get farther. How do you feel about children? PENNY: Um, they’re okay, I guess. I mean, if I saw one, I wouldn’t throw a rock at it. LEONARD: W-why would you throw a rock at a child? PENNY (chuckling): I just said I wouldn’t. LEONARD: The question is, would you like to have kids? So, yeah, we want kids. PENNY: Yeah, someday PENNY LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE. LEONARD: Right, like in the next five years. PENNY: Sure, uh, next question. LEONARD: How are you with pets? Well, I did take care of Sheldon for fifteen years, and he only bit me twice. PENNY SMILES, BUT STILL LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE. SCENE D ATOM CUT TO RESTAURANT (Raj, Anu) BOTH OF THEM LOOKING AT THE MENU RAJ: I have to say, uh, after reading your questionnaire, I feel like I already know you. ANU CLOSES HER MENU ANU: Totally. Me too. ANU RAISES HER HAND ANU: Excuse me. WAITER WALKS OVER. ANU (in a commanding voice): Can we please get sparkling, instead of tap, some clean silverware, ANU POINTS AT ANOTHER TABLE and find out what they’re having, that looks delicious. WAITER: Yes ma’am ANU: Thank you. So, you’re an astrophysicist. RAJ LOOKS SHOCKED. RAJ: Yes, ma’am. ANU GIVES RAJ A WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU LOOK. RAJ: I-I mean, just yes. U-u-unless you prefer, “ma’am”. ANU: I don’t. RAJ: Because you don’t seem like a ma’am. You seem more like a sweet thang. ANU: Wow, you are not good at this. RAJ (chuckles: If I was good at this, I wouldn’t need to be fixed up by my father. ANU: I never though I’d let my family set me up either, but I’m 34, I’d like to have kids, and it’s hard to date, because I work so much. RAJ: Oh, yes, uh, you’re a concierge. ANU: For now, I plan to be managing a hotel in the next five years. Four, if I can get the current manager out of the way. He’s a smoker, so fingers crossed. ANU CROSSES HER FINERS. RAJ: I-I get it. You know, um, I used to have a long list of what I wanted from a wife. Uh, eyes like Sandra Bullock, hair like Sandra Bullock, and the bravery of Ryan Stone. That’s Sandra Bullock’s character in Gravity. But, now I-I just want someone nice. ANU: I think I’m nice. Are you nice? RAJ: Oh, I’m definitely nice, every time a girl breaks up with me, she always starts with, You’re a nice guy. ANU: Look, you’re whole sweet, insecure thing is cute, but honestly, I have no time for that. If you’re not serious about this, you need to walk away, now. RAJ: I-I am serious. ANU: Good. RAJ (chuckles): Okay. I-I_ okay wh-wh what does this mean? ANU: I think it means I might be the future Mrs…… RAJ: Koothrappali ANU: How would you feel if I didn’t change my name? RAJ: A little hurt, but you wouldn’t know, because I’m too nice. ANU LOOKS AT RAJ WITH AN “AWWWWWW” LOOK. SCENE E ATOM CUT TO BERNADETTE’S OFFICE AT ZANGEN (Bernadette, Penny) PENNY STICK HEAD IN THE DOOR, WHILE BERNADETTE IS SITTING AT HER DESK WORKING ON HER COMPUTER. PENNY: Hey, want to get lunch? BERNADETTE: I can’t. Halley and Michael were up all night, and I’m way behind here. PENNY: Oh, no, are they sick? PENNY ENTERS OFFICE. BERNADETTE: They were just laughing and playing like a couple of jerks. (beat) Boy, they’re cute, but they ruin everything. PENNY SITS IN CHAIR IN FRONT OF BERNADETTE’S DESK. PENNY: I get that. You know, I’ve been thinking lately, that maybe I don’t want kids. BERNADETTE: Are you crazy? Of course you want them, it’s amazing. PENNY: You just said they ruin everything. BERNADETTE: I’m allowed to. It’s their fault I pee when I laugh. BERNADETTE GET UP, GOES TO HER CREDENZA, AND PICKS UP A FOLDER. PENNY: Hang on, why is it crazy, to say I might not want kids. BERNADETTE: Oh, it’s not crazy. It’s just wrong. You only think you don’t want kids, but once you have kids, you’ll realize that you did want them. PENNY: Or I don’t want them, so I won’t have them, so back off. BERNADETTE: Awwwww, you sound just like me, before I became a mom, and learned what the meaning of love was. PENNY STANDS PENNY (a bit angry): Wow, I cannot believe how condescending you’re being. BERNADETTE: Look, I know it’s scary, but you’re gonna be a great mom. PENNY (angry): I know I’d be great, but the point is I don’t want to be one. BERNADETTE: Maybe you wouldn’t be great. You kind of got a temper. PENNY: You know, not everyone needs to have kids to be fulfilled. BERNADETTE: You’re right, you’ve got Leonard. What more do you need? PENNY ROLLS EYES. SCENE F ATOM CUT TO CALTECH CAFATERIA (Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, Howard) LEONARD, SHELDON, AND HOWARD SITTING AT TABLE, RAJ COMES UP AND SITS DOWN. RAJ: Hey, guys. SHELDON: Hello LEONARD: Hey HOWARD: How was your date. RAJ: Ah, let me answer that with a question. How would you like to be my best man. THE OTHER THREE LOOK AT RAJ IN SHOCK. HOWARD(laughs) Wait, you’re not seriously marrying a woman you’ve met once. RAJ: Why not? She’s nice, I’m nice. We’re just as likely to be happy as any other two people. Maybe even happier. LOOKS AT LEONARD. RAJ: Sorry, that was not a swipe at you. LEONARD LOOKS PUZZLED. LEONARD: I didn’t think it was. RAJ LOOKS A LITTLE GUILTY. RAJ: Good, cause it was not. SHELDON: Well, I for one applaud Raj’s decision to forgo emotional attachment, and find a life partner by bowing to a 3000 year old authoritarian tradition. LEONARD: What are you talking about? You married a woman you’re in love with. SHELDON: I can’t believe you’re throwing that back in my face. RAJ TURNS TOWARD HOWARD. RAJ: Why can’t you just be happy for me. HOWARD: Because, you’re being dumb. You don’t know anything about her. RAJ: W-w-well, how come you all get to be married, and I have to stay single? HOWARD: I think that’s a question for a licensed professional. RAJ: You know what? you’re not just insulting me. Okay, you’re insulting my family, my culture, and my future bride, Anu. A vegetarian, with a masters degree from Cornell, who’s favorite fruit is pineapple. RAJ GET UP FROM THE TABLE AND WALKS OFF. SHELDON: Now, I’m not sure if this helps, but did you know, that pineapples were once so rare, that king Charles posed for a portrait with one? LEONARD: How does that help? SHELDON: Oh, it helped me. I’ve been trying to slide that into a conversation for years. SCENE G ATOM CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM (Howard, Bernadette) BERNADETTE SITTING ON THE SOFA, WORKING ON HER COMPUTER. HOWARD ENTERS THE HOUSE [SFX: DOOR CLOSING]. BERNADETTE: Hey honey, how was your day HOWARD: Auffff. HOWARD WALKS OVER TO DESK AND DROPS KEYS ON IT. BERNADETTE: What’s wrong? HOWARD WALKS TO COUCH AND SITS NEXT TO BERNADETTE. HOWARD: Raj is talking about marrying this woman, he just met. I told him it was dumb, and now he’s mad at me. BERNADETTE: The same thing happened to me. Penny said she didn’t want kids, and I told her she was being silly. And, she accused me of being condescending. Which is crazy, because if I wanted to be condescending, I would have said…… BERNADETTE’S VOICE BECOMES CONDESCENDING BERNADETTE: ……Ooohhh, condescending, that’s such a big word. HOWARD: Why won’t our friends just listen to us? We obviously know what we’re talking about. BERNADETTE: I know. We’re married, we have great kids, great jobs, this great house. [SFX SMOOTH OPERATOR STARTS PLAYING AND CONTINUES TO THE END OF THE SCENE] HOWARD AND BERNADETTE LOOK AT EACH OTHER DISGUSTED. AS IT GOES ON LONGER, THEY HOLD HANDS, THEN LOOK READY TO CRY. ATOM CUT TO SCENE H APARTMENT 4A (Leonard, Penny) LEONARD AT HIS DESK, USING HIS COMPUTER, PENNY IN THE KITCHEN, MAKING TEA. PENNY: Hey, Leonard, remember yesterday, when we were talking about having kids, someday? LEONARD: Yeah. PENNY: Well, what if it wasn’t someday? LEONARD TURNS TO LOOK AT PENNY, SHOCK ON HIS FACE. HE SMILES LEONARD: Oh my God. PENNY LOOKS AT HIM PUZZLED. LEONARD STANDS LEONARD (excitedly): Oh my God, are your pregnant? PENNY LOOKS WORRIED AND STARTS WALKING TOWARD LEONARD. PENNY: NO. NO. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. LEONARD: So…… PENNY: Nooooooo. What I meant was, what if, what if we didn’t have kids? LEONARD: Ever? PENNY: I mean our life is so great. Why would we want to change that? LEONARD LOOKS CONFUSED LEONARD: Sure, sure, sure. An…an…an…and I guess it would be hard raising kids…… LEONARD TURNS AWAY AND STARTS GETTING ANGRY. LEONARD (raises voice): ……in-in the loft, you never told me you wanted. PENNY: Well, wait, don’t be mad. LEONARD: I’m not mad. LEONARD ANGRILY JERKS THE DOOR HANDLE, IT DOESN’T OPEN. LEONARD (raising voice): Why would I be mad? (yelling) There’s nothing to be mad at. LEONARD ANGRILY JERKS THE DOOR HANDLE, WITH BOTH HANDS. IT STILL DOESN’T OPEN. HE CONTINUES JERKING ON THE DOOR. PENNY: You have to turn the thing. LEONARD (yelling): I knew that. LEONARD ANGRILY TURNS THE LOCK TO OPEN, JERKS THE DOOR HANDLE, AND OPENS THE DOOR. EXITS, THEN SLAMS THE DOOR. FROM OUTSIDE THE DOOR AMY: Hi Leonard. LEONARD (yelling angrily): I’m not mad. CUT TO PENNY WITH A LOOK OF DISTRESS FADEOUT END ACT 1 ACT 2 ATOM CUT TO SCENE J LEONARD’S CAR (Leonard, Sheldon) LEONARD LOOKS UPSET, SHELDON LOOKS AT LEONARD, THEN AWAY. SHELDON: You’re awfully quiet. LEONARD: Sorry SHELDON: No, I like it. LEONARD: Got a lot on my mind SHELDON: Would you like to talk about it? LEONARD: Not really. SHELDON: Grape nuts for breakfast, quiet car ride, things are really breaking my way today. LEONARD: It’s just Penny hit me with some pretty big news. And, it’s a lot to process. SHELDON: And, you’d like to do that quietly, I respect that. LEONARD: She said she doesn’t want to have kids. SHELDON: Maybe she didn’t mean it. Like, when you said you didn’t want to talk about this. LEONARD: Forget it. SHELDON LOOKS AT LEONARD, (4 BEATS). SHELDON: Do you want to have children? LEONARD: Well, I always assumed we would, and now I find out, you know, I might be the last of the Hofstadter line. SHELDON: Doesn’t your brother have children? And your sister. She kept the Hofstadter name, and has five healthy boys, Neil, Jeffery, Scott, William, and baby Richard. LEONARD: I’m going back to being quiet. SHELDON: Sweet. LEONARD LOOKS UNHAPPY AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. SCENE K ATOM CUT TO CALTECH CAFATERIA. (Howard, Raj, and Various other Caltech people) RAJ SITTING AT A TABLE, HOWARD ENTERS, CARRYING A TRAY. HOWARD: Hey, mind if I sit? HOWARD SETS HIS TRAY ON THE TABLE, RAJ SHRUGS, RAJ: Did you just come her to tell me I’m making a gigantic mistake, by having this blueberry muffin, and I should’ve got a cinnamon roll, like you did? HOWARD: No RAJ: Good, ‘cause I’m happy with my choice. Although that cinnamon roll does smell good, if you’re open to halfsies HOWARD SITS DOWN, PASSES THE ROLL OVER TO RAJ. HOWARD: Fine. RAJ: Thanks. RAJ STARTS CUTTING THE CINNAMON ROLL IN HALF. HOWARD: Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. You’re right, I was being…… RAJ TAKES A BITE OF THE CINNAMON. RAJ: Oh, my God, that is so good. HOWARD: I can wait. RAJ: No. (clears throat) Sorry. Go on. HOWARD: I’ve known you a long time, you believe in romance more than any person I’ve every met, and it’s hard to see you give up on that. But, if you really think marrying this woman is going to make you happy, then you have my complete and total support. I will be with you, every step of the way. RAJ: Thanks Howard, that means a lot. HOWARD: So, hey, is this wedding going to be in India? RAJ: Uh, maybe. HOWARD: Urghhh. HOWARD COVERS HIS FACE WITH HIS LEFT HAND. SCENE L ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Penny) PENNY SITTING IN LEONARD’S CHAIR, ON HER IPAD. AMY COMES STORMING THROUGH THE DOOR. AMY (angrily): What the hell, Penny? AMY CLOSES THE DOOR PENNY: I’m gonna need more than that. AMY WALKS TOWARD PENNY AMY(angrily): Your not having kids? How could you do this to me? PENNY: How is it any of your business? AMY (angrily): Because your kids were supposed be friends with my kids. Who’s going to be friends with them now? PENNY: They will find other friends. AMY (angrily sarcastic): Oh, sure, because Sheldon’s DNA plus my DNA equals a kids who knows how to make friends. Grow up. PENNY (yelling): This is between me and Leonard. AMY (angrily): Screw Leonard. AMY TURNS AND WALKS AWAY FROM PENNY, THEN TURNS BACK TOWARD HER AMY: We were supposed to get pregnant together, we were going to be barf buddies, we were supposed to massage each others perineums with vitamin E. PENNY: I’m about to be your barf buddy right now. Listen, when you have kids I’m still going to be there. I’m gonna be their fun aunt Penny, who gives them candy, and teaches them swear words and tells them stories about what a weirdo their mother is. AMY: I guess I could live with that. AMY WALKS TOWARD PENNY AMY: What is going to be hard is letting go of the dream of us breastfeeding each others babies. AMY SITS ON ARM OF CHAIR, PENNY HAS DISGUSTED LOOK ON HER FACE. PENNY: And it’s gonna be hard to forget you said that. AMY STARTS TO REACH TO TOUCH PENNY’S FACE PENNY: No AMY BRINGS ARM BACK, LOOKS DISAPPOINTED, PENNY GOES BACK TO HER IPAD. SCENE M ATOM CUT TO WOLOWITZ BEDROOM (Bernadette, Howard) BERNADETTE ON THE BED, RUBBING ON HAND LOTION, HOWARD COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM HOWARD: What would you say, if I told you I was totally naked, under this robe. HOWARD POSES BERNADETTE: I would say that sound’s pretty good. HOWARD: Really? I did not see that coming. HOWARD REACHES UNDER THE ROBE AND PULLS OFF HIS UNDERWEAR. THEN JUMPS ON THE BED. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE START KISSING. [SFX] SMOOTH OPERATOR STARTS PLAYING. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE BREAK THE KISS BERNADETTE: Oh, come on. HOWARD: Wait, stay in the mood…… HOWARD REACHES BEHIND HIM FOR A REMOTE, THEN FIDDLES WITH IT HOWARD:…… I’ll put on our own music, and drown them out. [SFX] BRITTANY SPEAR’S YOU WANT A HOT BODY, STARTS PLAYING LOUDER THAN SMOOTH OPERATOR. BERNADETTE: Whats this? HOWARD: It’s from my workout mix. It’s what I listen too, when I’m firming up my glutes. [SFX] NEIL CRYING HOWARD SHUTS OFF HIS MUSIC, SMOOTH OPERATOR AND NEIL’S CRYING CAN STILL BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND, THROUGH THE END OF THE SCENE. BERNADETTE: Can you get him? HOWARD: Sure. HOWARD GETS OUT OF BED, STARTS WALKING TOWARD THE DOOR BERNADETTE: Hey, Howard. HOWARD: Yeah? BERNADETTE: It looks like you can crack a walnut, in those glutes. HOWARD STOPS AT THE DOOR, LOOKING DISAPPOINTED. HOWARD: I can’t, I tried. HOWARD OPENS THE DOOR AND LEAVES CUT TO BERNADETTE, GIGGLING. SCENE N ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Penny) PENNY REACHES INTO THE FRIDGE, PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP. [SFX] SOUND OF DOOR OPENING. PENNY LOOKS UP PENNY: Hey CUT TO LEONARD COMING IN DOOR. LEOANRD: Hey LEONARD CLOSES THE DOOR PENNY: I made you dinner. PENNY: Your favorite: In and Out Burger out of the wrapper on a plate. PENNY DISPLAYS THE PLATE. PENNY SMILES, LEONARD UNLOADS HIS MESSENGER BAG. LEONARD: Thank you, but you don’t have to do this, I’m fine. PENNY: I-I know it’s not a baby, but it does leak, when you pick it up. LEONARD (distressed): Really? We’re joking about this now. LEONARD WALKS TOWARD PENNY. PENNY: No, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just drop all of this on you. LEONARD: I-i-it just took me by surprise. I-I always imagined having kids. PENNY: I know you did. LEONARD: But, I’ve imagined having a lot of things, that I’m never gonna get: a Nobel Prize, a working Batmobile. But, I also have a lot that I never thought I’d have…… LEONARD TAKES PENNY’S HAND. LEONARD: ……Like you. PENNY: Are you sure that’s enough? LEONARD: Yeah. PENNY: You’re really okay with this? LEONARD: I am. [SFX] PENNY’S PHONE RINGS. PENNY LOOKS AT THE SCREEN, PICKS IT UP AND ANSWERS IT. PENNY: Hey, Daddy. WYATT (sounding mad): What’s this Leonard says about you not wanting to give me grandbabies? PENNY LOOKS ANGRILY AT LEONARD. LEONARD: He might feel differently, bye. LEONARD PICKS UP BURGER, TURNS AND LEAVES. PENNY ROLLS HER EYES. SCENE P ATOM CUT TO BAR. (Raj, Anu) BOTH TAKE THEIR DRINKS FROM THE BAR AND START WALKING TOWARD A TABLE. ANU: I told my parent our first date went well, and they got very excited. RAJ: Ah, tell me about it. My parents were so thrilled, they actually spoke to each other. BOTH SIT AT THE TABLE. ANU: (short laugh) RAJ: So that was a disaster. Cheers. BOTH RAISE AND CLINK THEIR GLASSES. ANU: Okay. I guess if we’re going forward, with this wedding, we should talk about the next step. RAJ: Oh, like themes and flowers? ANU: Actually, finances and taxes. RAJ: Oh, we can’t use that, that was the theme of my parents divorce. ANU: I know that money can be a source of friction in a new marriage, and I wanted to avoid that. RAJ (uncomfortable): Of course, yeah, right, that’s s-smart. ANU: So, my accountant feels strongly that we should file separately, the first year. And then we can re-evaluate, based on our joint assets. RAJ LOOKS UNCERTAIN AND UNCOMFORTABLE. ANU: You okay? RAJ: No, I can’t do this. ANU: Why not? RAJ: Th-there’s something you may not know about me, ‘cause, you know, we’ve only met once, but…… I’m a hopeless romantic. ANU DOES A DEEP SIGH. RAJ: And, you seem great, and I do want to get married. I-I do want to settle down, but this isn’t the story that I want to tell my grandkids. ANU: I understand. RAJ: I’m so sorry, if I wasted your time. RAJ STANDS, STARTS TO LEAVE. ANU: Raj…… RAJ TURNS AND FACES ANU. ANU: I know we don’t know each other very well, but you seem like you would make a good father. And, you’re tall enough that I can wear heels, and I think that’s something worth fighting for. ANU TAKES RAJ’S HAND, AND THEN GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE. ANU: Will you marry me? RAJ: oh-oh-oh Oh my God, oh, my God. Yes, of course, of course, I’ll marry you. ANU STANDS AND THEY HUG. THE PEOPLE IN THE BAR ARE CLAPPING THEY BREAK THE HUG, BUT ARE STILL HOLDING HANDS. ANU: If you’d like to kiss me, you can. RAJ: Great. RAJ STARTS MOVING IN TO KISS ANU, SHE STOPS HIM ANU: I should warn you I have a tongue piercing. RAJ: Oh, you’re not that nice. THEY BOTH LAUGH, THEN KISS. FADEOUT END ACT 2 TAG/SCENE Q ATOM CUT TO EXTERIOR, CITY STREET (Leonard, Penny) BOTH ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET. LEONARD: Are you going to tell me where we’re going? Because if it has the words “farmer’s” or “market” in it, I don’t want to go. PENNY: You were talking about all the things you thought you would never have, so, I thought I would get you one. PENNY IS PLAYING WITH SOMETHING IN HER HAND, THEY BOTH TURN THE CORNER, AND PENNY HOLDS UP A KEY RING, WITH A BATMAN SYMBOL ON IT. CUT TO LONG SHOT OF BATMOBILE, WITH PENNY AND LEONARD IN THE BACKGROUND. 2 BEATS, THEN CUT TO CLOSE UP OF PENNY AND LEONARD. LEONARD: Oh, my God. You bought me the Batmobile? LEONARD RUNS UP TO THE PASSENGER SIDE OF THE BATMOBILE, PENNY FOLLOWS. PENNY: No, no. No, no, no, no, no. I rented you the Batmobile, for the day. LEONARD: This is amazing, thank you. LEONARD KISSES PENNY, TAKES THE KEYS, AND RUNS TO THE DRIVERS SIDE. PENNY: B-Be careful, I-I did not get the insurance. LEONARD GETS IN THE VEHICLE, STARTS IT [SFX] THE ENGINE REVING. LEONARD: (chuckles) CUT TO PENNY SMILING. CUT TO LEONARD DRIVING OFF CUT TO PENNY SHRUGGING, AND LOOKING FRUSTRATED AND DISAPPOINTED. CUT TO LEONARD BACKING UP, TO PENNY. LEONARD (smiling) Come on, Robin. PENNY, SMILING, RUNS TO THE PASSENGER SIDE AND GETS IN. CUT TO FLAMES COMING OUT OF THE REAR OF THE CAR, TIRES SPINNING, WITH THE BATMAN THEME SONG. CAR DRIVES OFF. BLACKOUT RUN END CREDITS END
  4. Approximately reads as the following: I know it's been like this question for 8 years and I haven't read all the answers to this post, but I will be speaking as an asexual. Of course, the pilot had many tests with the characters, but the first episode is not something that converges entirely with asexuality, after all it is too broad to impose rules, but in the case of asexuals they can do sperm donation and stuff like that, like that how to have sex. You see, even fleeing the gray area, there are many asexuals who do not want sex or romantic relationships (aromatics) and there are those who prefer to continue in relationships, and often end up appealing to the act just to please the partner, that is, we can have sex, still with pleasure in the act, but it just isn't that "need", sex itself activates some pheromones that release endorphins and produce that feeling of pleasure, which can be simply replaced by a chocolate bar or a slice of cake, understand? It is not necessary, we do not yearn for intimate contact and such things, but it does not mean that we cannot do it. The same thing is said about Sheldon having to ejaculate, after all, he can do it with a masturbation, there is nothing wrong with his body in this process, just part of the purpose of him not wanting to do it, because he does not feel this desire, the pleasure of that is inserted in his work. I hope I helped you understand a little, sorry if it got too big or too late, kkk
  5. Yeah, those companies love it when celebrities give a good mention to their products. They don't have to pay, and they get free advertising. And, the celebrities generally don't mind, because they truly like the stuff they mention.
  6. Johnny donated to the area, when his, and his neighbors ranches were destroyed by fire near Rancho Santa Margarita, a few years ago. He also organized and played in a benefit concert near Pozo, also near his ranch. Except for publicizing the concert (without overly pushing his participation) it was all very quietly done, but that's the way Johnny does things.
  7. As a celebrity, yes, she is, but she really doesn't fit the idea of a social media influencer. About the only time she would fall under that category would be when she does sponsored posts, of which she doesn't do very many. If you've seen Busy Phillips' IG, she does several a month. From what I've seen of Kaley's, the sponsored ones are rare and mostly for equestrian things. Beauty, household things, etc are simply not something she promotes, except for those things she really likes and uses herself.
  8. https://hmi.marketing/how-do-influencers-make-money/
  9. Molecules, chucky, Several posts have been hidden. Negative or dismissive comments about or toward other members are not allowed. If you feel a post is outside of our rules, report, it, don't respond with similar comments. That said, please remember that "I read it on Google" and/or a litany of claimed experience provide the same amount of support for your claims or refutations: NONE. You either provide a link for your claims and refutations, or understand your claims and refutations are just so much male bovine exhaust. BTW, I went and did some research about this mess, and found you are both partially right, and both partially wrong. This discussion is over.
  10. Several posts have been moved to the "Dealing with the end of the series" topic.
  11. Johnny commenting on the Nashville explosion: https://www.instagram.com/p/CJWoSMugtpN/?igshid=1kcvwbegag7kj
  12. There are various ways to do it. Some quit watching for a while, then make their way back. Others (like me) continue watching(our local channel has it on twice a night, and TBS has it on three to four nights a week. If you have HBO Max or the DVDs,you can watch whenever you want). Some draw pictures of the characters, some post pictures or clips on Twitter, Reddit, or Instagram. Some(again like me) read and write fan fiction about the show. if your interested is some links for drawings and or reading Drop me a Private message and I can pass those along. I also have a few projects I’m doing here on the forums. One, is transcribing seasons 11 and 12, so I have to watch. Another is finding out how much time each characters or couples are onscreen, so again I have to watch. Each person dealt with it their own way. These are just some suggestions.
  13. NBC is developing a reboot of Night Court. Melissa and her husband Winston will be Executive Producers. John Larroquette will also produce and star. https://deadline.com/2020/12/night-court-sequel-john-larraquette-dan-fielding-harry-stone-daughter-melissa-rauch-nbc-reboot-1234657152/
  14. Hoping she doesn't get the same result as the last time she was on the show. 🙃
  15. The transcript for the second episode of season 12, 1202 The Wedding Gift Wormhole, is now up.
  16. The Wedding Gift Wormhole Season 12 Episode 02 Teleplay by Story by Dave Goetsch Steve Hollan & & Eric Kaplan Steve Molaro & & Andy Gordon Maria Ferrari COLD OPEN SCENE A ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Penny, Leonard, Sheldon, Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Raj) THE GANG AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE EATING. RAJ ON FLOOR. SHELDON: Now, but I think, by the end of the honeymoon, we really started to feel like a married couple. AMY: But, the good kind, like on TV, not like my parents. HOWARD: You’re not a real married couple until you can pee with the door open, and she’s okay with it. BERNADETTE: I told you, I’m not okay with it. HOWARD: She loves it. AMY: So, we got everybody, gifts. AMY REACHES INTO A BAG AND BRINGS OUT T-SHIRTS, AND STARTS PASSING THEM OUT, ALL MAKE AN APPRECIATIVE SOUND. LEONARD HOLDS UP HIS SHIRT, IT HAS I “HEART” NY ON IT. LEONARD: Did you forget about us until you were at the airport. SHELDON: No, we forgot about you until we were on the plane. Luckily there was Wi-Fi, and I have Amazon Prime. AMY PASSES OUT THE REST OF THE SHIRTS, RAJ STANDS AND GOES TO THE THE KITCHEN. BERNADETTE: I heart New York, awwww, the baby is going to love throwing up on this. SHELDON: Look, it doesn’t have to just be New York, that’s the beauty of it. The initials NY, could stand for anything you like. For instance, I understand there is an elderly Rock and Roll musician named Neil Young, perhaps you heart him. Orrrrr, if not him, Egyptian Table Tennis Silver Medalist Noha Yossry. Orrrr, Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress who stared in Sally, the Witch RAJ: Did you just google the initial NY? SHELDON: I had Wi-Fi, and a long plane flight, draw your own conclusions. PENNY STARTS UNFOLDING HER SHIRT PENNY: Ohhhh, guys, that was very, very thoughtful of you, I…… PENNY HOLDS IT UP, IT’S HUGE, LOOKS AT SHELDON, SHE LOOKS ANGRY. PENNY: …… did you get me a double XL? AMY: I told you. SHELDON: You were right dear. CUT TO OPENING TITLES ACT 1 ATOM CUT TO SCENE B APARTMENT 4B (Amy, Sheldon) SURROUNDED BY WEDDING GIFTS, AMY AND SHELDON ARE WRITING THANK YOU CARDS. AMY: Sheldon, that’s not how you write a thank you card. SHELDON: What’s wrong with it? AMY TAKES CARD FROM SHELDON, READS IT AMY: Dear aunt Helen, thank you so much for the lovely place setting. If my handwriting looks strained, that is because this is the sixteenth thank you card Amy has forced me to write. The muscles in my wrist are cramping, as I struggle to finish this sentence. SHELDON HOLDS RIGHT HAND, FLEXS FINGERS. AMY: Ow, ow, oh the pain, love, Sheldon. SHELDON TAKES CARD BACK, STARTS WRITING SHELDON: Fine, “and Amy”. SHELDON GIVES CARD BACK TO AMY. SAYS “OW”, AND CONTINUES TO FLEX HIS RIGHT WRITST. AMY PLACES GIFT BAG ON THE TABLE AND READS THE CARD. AMY: This one, is from Leonard and Penny. Awwww, the perfect gift for the perfect couple. SHELDON TAKES CARD PLACES IT TO THE SIDE. SHELDON: Oh, save that care, we may need it to throw it back in their faces. AMY TAKES A BLACK RECTANGULAR CONTAINER OUT OF THE BAG. AMY: I wonder what it could be. SHELDON: Oh, it could be anything. A flute, a letter opener, one of those pens, where you put the bikini back on the naked lady. AMY OPENS THE CONTAINER, AND REMOVED THE OBJECT. THE OBJECT IS CRYSTAL AND OBLONG AMY: Ohhhhhh, isn’t this nice. AMY KEEPS LOOKING AT IT, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS. SHELDON: What is it? AMY: You know, it’s a……it’s one of those…… AMY MOVES IT AROUND, TO SEE IF SOMETHING APPEARS IN IT, LIKE IN THE BIKINI PEN. AMY:……nope, doesn’t do that. SHELDON: Oh, maybe it’s candy, lick it. AMY LOOKS AT SHELDON AS IF HE’S NUTS. AMY:……I don’t want to lick it, you lick it. SHELDON: Well, I’m not going to lick it, I just brushed my teeth. AMY: Is it from one of your dumb sci-fi shows? SHELDON: None of the sci-fi shows I watch are dumb. AMY:Sheldon. SHELDON: Okay, Westworld. But, this has nothing to do with that show, other than it’s also inexplicable. AMY: Well, Leonard and Penny are our best friends, they know us better than anyone. They said it’s the perfect gift. We must be missing something. AMY AND SHELDON CONTINUE TO STARE AT IT FOR THREE BEATS. AMY: You don’t think it’s a marital aid, do you? SHELDON: Well, don’t be silly, Amy, how is this big glass shaft going to aid our marriage? SCENE C ATOM CUT TO COMIC BOOK STORE (Stuart, Denise) BOTH BEHIND THE COUNTER, STUART ON A STEPSTOOL. DENISE IS HANDING STUART BOOKS, AND HE PUT THEM UP ON THE SHELF DENISE: Do you think when Krypto, the superego, is out flying, do you think Superman has to fly after him, with a little baggie? STUART: I’ve never really thought about it before. But, he doesn’t need a baggie, because, he just blasts the poop, with his heat vision. DENISE: You thought about it before. STUART: Oh, I’ve thought about it a lot. STUART AND DENISE LAUGH TOGETHER. CUT TO HOWARD AND RAJ WATCHING STUART AND DENISE. BOTH LOOK PUZZLED. HOWARD: What is wrong with Stuart’s face? RAJ: I think he’s smiling. HOWARD: Oh, my, God, are they flirting? RAJ: They’re way past flirting, I caught them making out, at Sheldon’s wedding. HOWARD: Are you sure she wasn’t trying to breath life back into him? RAJ: I don’t think so, when I used that much tongue, at CPR training, I had to buy the dummy. DENISE LOOKS AT HER WATCH. DENISE: Ooooo, I have class, I should go. STUART: Oh, ok. Bye. THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER, UNSURE. THEY APPROACH, STUART TO HUG, DENISE TO SHAKE HANDS. THE CHANGE, THEN STOP, LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AWKWARDLY. STUART FINALLY APPROACHES AND PATS DENISE ON THE HEAD. SHE PATS HIM ON THE HEAD, THEY BOTH LAUGH. DENISE: See you guys. DENISE WAVES AT HOWARD AND RAJ, HOWARD AND RAJ: Bye. DENISE EXITS STORE. HOWARD AND RAJ APPROACH THE FRONT COUNTER. HOWARD: So, what is her deal? Is she in to you, or does she just hate her parents? STUART: I……I don’t know. We kissed a little at the wedding, and it was great. But, we haven’t really talked about it since then, so I……I don’t know how she feels about me. HOWARD: Well, she patted you on the head, so I’m guessing she feels, like you’re such a good boy. STUART: Seriously, do you think I should ask her out? RAJ: Absolutely, don’t let love get away. It’s the most important thing in the world. Without it, life is dark and meaningless, and all you’re left with is the judgmental gaze of your dog, as you finish up a bag of Doritos on the toilet. STUART: Thanks, you’re a real good pal. STUART PATS RAJ ON THE HEAD, AS STUART WALKS BY. HOWARD: And now you’re a good boy. HOWARD RUBS RAJ HEAD, AND THEN STARTS TO WALK OFF. HE MAKES A CLICKING SOUND AS IF CALLING A DOG, RAJ FOLLOWS. SCENE D ATOM CUT TO AMY AND SHELDON’S BEDROOM. (Amy, Sheldon) BOTH OF THEM ARE IN BED, STRUGGLING TO FALL ASLEEP. AMY, THEN SHELDON SIT UP AMY: I can’t stop thinking about that present, it’s driving me crazy. SHELDON: Me too. The card said it was the perfect gift. But, it’s not a dinosaur fossil, or matching pocket watches, so I don’t see how it can be. AMY: Maybe we’re trying too hard. Maybe it’s something simple. SHELDON: (gasp) Like Leonard and Penny, yes, good. (2 beats) We just need to think like them. (deep breath) Okay, what gift can I get us, to express how grateful we are, to have us, in their lives. AMY(sarcastic): Way to make it simple. SHELDON: Na……I’m just going to ask them. SHELDON STARTS TO GET OUT OF BED. AMY STOPS HIM. AMY: No, you can’t, it’ll hurt their feelings. SHELDON: I’m okay with that. AMY: And, they know you weren’t smart enough to figure it out on your own. SHELDON: You’re right. Oh, this is awful. Now, I can’t even comfort myself, by stroking the fossilized tibia of a Pentaceratops. AMY: Let’s just go to sleep. We’ll look at it in the morning, with fresh eyes. And, maybe it will come to us. SHELDON: Fine. THEY BOTH SETTLE BACK INTO BED, UNDER THE COVERS 3 BEATS. AMY: Or, we go tear apart that box, and look for a clue. SHELDON: Staying up past my bedtime, and solving mysteries? Who knew married life could be this good. THEY BOTH, EXCITEDLY, GET OUT OF BED. SCENE E ATOM CUT TO WOLOWITZ KITCHEN (Howard, Bernadette, Stuart) STUART GETS BUTTER, MAKING A SANDWICH NEXT TO THE FRIDGE. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE SITTING AT TABLE, DRINKING COFFEE, WATCHING HIM. BERNADETTE: What’s wrong with his face? HOWARD: A lot of people have been asking that, he’s smiling. STUART GETS SALT OFF THE TABLE. BERNADETTE: Hey, Stuart, you look pretty happy. STUART TURNS TO FACE HOWARD AND BERNADETTE. STUART: Oh, yeah, I asked Denise out on a date, and she said yes. BERNADETTE: Ohhhhh, well, that’s great. But, don’t smile like that in front of Halley, she just started sleeping through the night. STUART: Sorry, I’m excited, I haven’t been on a date, in a long time. HOWARD: Back when I was dating, I’d always wear a new pair of underwear, just in case. STUART: It’s also been a long time since I bought new underwear. STUART PULLS UP ON THE WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERWEAR. STUART: I probably should, these are no long tighty or whitey. BERNADETTE LOOKS DISGUSTED BERNADETTE: Okay, I’m out. BERNADETTE GETS UP, WALKS TO THE SINK. HOWARD: If there’s a chance someone is going to see you naked, it’s also polite to make sure you’re well groomed down there. BERNADETTE, THINKING HOWARD MEANS HER, BERNADETTE (angrily): I get it Howard, I’ve been busy. BERNADETTE, ANGRILY LEAVES THE KITCHEN. SCENE F ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Leonard, Penny) SHELDON ENTERS APARTMENT WITHOUT KNOCKING. SHELDON: Hello SHELDON CLOSES DOOR. LEONARD AND PENNY GETTING AND DRINKING COFFEE. PENNY: Hey LEONARD: Hey SHELDON: I just wanted to pop over and hand deliver this thank you note, for your very thoughtful wedding gift. SHELDON WALKS TO THE ISLAND AND HANDS PENNY THE ENVELOPE. PENNY: Uh huh. LEONARD: Ohhhhhh, good. You guys liked it? SHELDON: Well, we like it a lot more than things that aren’t it. I’ll tell you that. PENNY: Well, you know, that’s great, because when we saw it, we thought, Amy and Sheldon just have to have that. SHELDON: Oh, do tell. Now, paint a picture for me. Like where you were, when you you found it, and what you thought we’d enjoy doing with it. LEONARD: Do you not know what it is? PENNY: Of course he knows what it is, he’s the smartest man in the world. SHELDON: Well, I don’t know about the world, some of those Chinese fellows are pretty clever. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to return home, and use your gift, in the manner which it was intended. SHELDON CROSSES TO DOOR, AND EXITS. LEONARD (laughing): He’s never going to figure it out. PENNY (smiling): I know. LEONARD AND PENNY HEAR THE DOOR TO 4B SLAM. FROM ACROSS THE HALL, THEY HEAR SHELDON (screaming): What are you. SHELDON (laughing): Gosh, this makes me happy. PENNY: Yeah PENNY AND LEONARD ARE LAUGHING, THE CLINK THEIR COFFEE MUGS. SCENE G ATOM CUT TO CALTECH CAFATERIA (Howard, Sheldon) HOWARD SITTING AT ONE OF THE TABLES, EATING LUNCH. SHELDON HURRIES IN CROSSES OVER TO HOWARD. SHELDON: Howard, I don’t often say this, but good, you’re here. Now, do you know what Leonard and Penny got us for our wedding gift? HOWARD: Well…… SHELDON WAVES HIS ARMS, INTERRUPTING. . SHELDON: No……no……don’t answer. I don’t wanna know, I just want to know if you know. HOWARD: I do know. SHELDON: Okay, great. I believe that Amy and I have figured it out. Is it, a clue to a scavenger hunt, that will lead us to the actual present? HOWARD: If you’re asking if you and Amy should spend the next couple days, running all over town, searching for the next clue, I’m going to hafta (whispers) say yes. SHELDON: I knew it, this is sooooo, much fun. HOWARD: Oh, it really is. LEONARD AND RAJ WALK OVER, WITH THEIR TRAYS OF FOOD SHELDSON: Oh, Leonard, thank you again. We love the gift. SHELDON TURNS AND EXITS. LEONARD: Does he know what it is? LEONARD AND RAJ SIT HOWARD: No, not even close, he thinks it’s a clue to a scavenger hunt. LEONARD LAUGHS AND CONTINUES TO LAUGH WHEIL HE AND RAJ, SIT. LEONARD: So, so, happy. RAJ: What is it? What did you give them? LEONARD: Oh, it’s just this dumb, crystal wand that Howard and Bernadette gave us for our wedding. Penny and I made each other miserable, trying to figure out what it was, and we thought, why not pass that fun along to Sheldon and Amy RAJ: Wait a minute, di……did you give them the crystal chakra wand, that I gave you for your wedding? HOWARD: Yah, that’s exactly what we did. RAJ: But……you said you liked it. HOWARD: Yah, that’s exactly (laughs) what I said. FADEOUT END ACT 1 ACT 2 SCENE H ATOM CUT TO BERT’S OFFICE. (Amy, Sheldon, Bert) BERT USING A JEWELERS LOOP, TO LOOK AT THE CRYSTALLINE WAND BURT: Wow, a scavenger hunt. That’s exciting. I had a bit of a scavenger hunt myself, last night. I was trying to find the remote, I looked under one of the cushions, wasn’t there. And, then I lifted the cushion a little higher, bingo. AMY (deadpan): Riveting. So, do you know what it is? BERT: Of course I know what it is. It’s a silicone dioxide crystal, otherwise known as quartz. SHELDON: Are you sure? BERT: Am I sure? Is basalt a mafic, extrusive, igneous rock, formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron rich lava? Yeah, I’m sure. AMY: Okay, so it’s quartz. That’s got to mean something, what do we know about quartz? SHELDON: I’ll google it. SHELDON PULLS OUT HIS PHONE, STARTS LOOKING ONLINE. BERT: Or, you could ask me, a geologist, who won a McArthur Genius grant…… SHELDON: Got it. Quartz, from the German Quarz, which sounds the same, but is spelled without a ’t’. AMY: Interesting. No ’t’. What is not, ’t’? SHELDON: Coffee. AMY: The coffee shop, where we first met. BERT STANDS UP. BERT: All right, let’s go. AMY AND SHELDON LOOK AT BERT, STRANGELY. BERT: Sorry, I think I just had an adrenaline rush, from having visitors. SHELDON AND AMY TURN TO LEAVE. SCENE J ATOM CUT TO COMIC BOOK STORE (Raj, Stuart) RAJ, SITTING ON COUCH, STUART WALKS UP TO HIM. STUART: Hey, Raj, will you smell something for me? RAJ LOOKS AT STUART STRANGELY. RAJ: Uh, that depends, actually, it doesn’t depend, just no. STUART: I’m trying out some new colognes, for may date with Denise. RAJ: Oh, and you just came over here to rub it my face that you have a date? STUART: No, I came over here because I need advice, and you’ve gone out with more women than anybody I know. RAJ: Huh, I guess you’re right. Sheldon’s the smart one, Howard’s the funny one, and apparently, I’m the ladies man. STUART: Which one’s Leonard? RAJ: Oh yeah, right. I guess Leonard’s the forgettable one. Okay, let’s have a wiff. STUART OFFERS HIS RIGHT ARM. RAJ SMELLS IT. RAJ: Hmmm, smells like Paco Rabanne STUART: Ooooh, you’re good. I bought it at a swap meet, it’s actually called, “Smells Like Paco Rabanne”. RAJ: It’s great, she’s going to love it. STUART SITS IN CHAIR STUART: I hope so. IIIIIII really like Denise, and I don’t want to screw this up. RAJ: Hey, relax. Trust your instincts, that’s what I do. STUART: And that works for you? RAJ (sounds sad): (2 beats) Actually, no. I’ve made a mess of my life and I’m……I’m all alone. (2 beats) STUART: Okay, I think it’d be best for both of us, if I pretend to get a phone call, and just walk away. RAJ: Yeah, that would be best. STUART PICKS UP PHONE THAT HASN’T RANG. STUART: Hello, this is Stuart. STUART PUTS PHONE AGAINST HIS CHEST, LEANS OVER AND TOUCHES RAJ. STUART (whispers): Sorry, I’ve got to take this. STUART STANDS AND WALKS AWAY FROM RAJ STUART: Why yes, I’d love to take a survey. CUT TO RAJ LOOKING UNHAPPY SCENE K ATOM CUT TO COFFEE SHOP (Various customers and employees, Sheldon and Amy) SHELDON AND AMY ENTER, STOP JUST INSIDE THE DOOR. AMY: Okay, this is where we first met, there’s got to be a clue here somewhere. SHELDON POINTS TO A TABLE SHELDON: We sat at that table. SHELDON AND AMY WALK TOWARD THE ABLE, SHELDON PUT ON A RUBBER GLOVE ON HIS RIGHT HAND. SHELDON PUTS HIS HAND UNDER THE TABLE. THE COUPLE SITTING THERE LOOKED SHOCKED AND PUZZLED. MAN: Excuse me. SHELDON: I’m sorry, we’re on a scavenger hunt. AMY: Just pretend we’re not here. SHELDON: Oh, found something. SHELDON PULLS HIS HAND FROM UNDER THE TABLE AND LOOKS IN HIS HAND. SHELDON(screams) AHHHHH, it’s gum. THROWS THE GUM, IT STICKS TO THE WALL. SHELDON REMOVES THE GLOVE. AMY: Maybe they left it behind the counter. AMY WALKS OFF, TO THE COUNTER. SHELDON: I met my wife here, and we sat, at this very table. Now, so if you play your cards right, in eight years, you could marry this woman. SHELDON POINTS AT WOMAN SITTING AT THE TABLE. MAN (confused): That’s my sister. SHELDON: Well, don’t tell people, that’s no okay. SHELDON WALKS OVER TO AMY. AMY: Sheldon, look. I asked the barista if anyone left anything for us, and she said to look in this lost and found box. SHELDON: Why would it be in the lost and found box? AMY:Because we were lost, and then we found each other. SHELDON: It makes perfect sense. AMY SEARCHES IN BOX, FINDS A LOCKET. AMY: Oh, and look at this. A locket. And that stone in front, I bet it’s quartz. SHELDON: This must be it. This must be the actual gift. Open it up, what’s inside? AMY OPENS LOCKET. AMY: Nothing, it’s empty. SHELDON: Of course. Our life together is just starting, and they want us to fill it with our memories. AMY: This might be the best wedding gift ever. SHELDON: Ohhhhh, they also left us a pair of sunglasses, because our future’s so bright. AMY: They thought of everything. AMY AND SHELDON HOLD HANDS, START TO LEAVE COFFEE SHOP. SCENE L ATOM CUT TO WOLOWITZ KITCHEN (Bernadette, Howard) BOTH ARE PREPARING DINNER. HOWARD LOOKS A DRAWING ON THE FRIDGE. HOWARD: Oh, look what Halley drew. BERNADETTE LOOKS OVER BERNADETTE: Yeah, she made it at daycare. HOWARD: It’s pretty good, huh? BERNADETTE: Is it? HOWARD: Wow, gentile moms are tough. HOWARD CARRIES SALAD TO COUNTER, BERNADETTE COMES OVER TO HOWARD. [SFX] FOUR KNOCKS ON THE DOOR STUART: Guys, I need to show you something, but you have to promise not to make fun of me. HOWARD: Of course. HOWARD SUPPRESSES A SMILE, LOOKS AT BERNADETTE AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. BERNADETTE SMILES STUART ENTERS. HE IS IN HIS UNDERWEAR, AND LOOKS ORANGE, HOWARD AND BERNADETTE LOOKED SHOCKED. BERNADETTE: Whoaaaaa. STUART: Yeah, I was worried about the date, so I got my hair colored, to make me feel a little more confident. But, that just made me look paler, so I got a spray tan. BERNADETTE: Have you tried showering? Seeing if you could scrub it off? STUART: I did. You’re going to need some new towels. And, a bathmat, and toilet seat. STUART LOOKS DEPRESSED, GOES TO THE TABLE AND SITS. STUART (slightly panicking): I’m picking her up in an hour. What am I going to do? HOWARD TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TOWARD STUART. HOWARD: You mean what are you going to Ompa-loompa doompity-do? STUART: You said you weren’t going to make any jokes. HOWARD: I’m sorry, I’ll stop. HOWARD STEPS BACK TOWARD BERNADETTE, SHAKING HIS HEAD AND MOUTHS “I WON’T STOP”. BERNADETTE GIGGLES (BEAT) BERNADETTE WALKS OVER TO STUART. BERNADETTE: It’s only a spray tan, it’ll fade in a couple of days. Why don’t you cancel the date, and reschedule? STUART: I was really looking forward to tonight. BERNADETTE: You know what, then go. Tell her what happened. Maybe she’ll be flattered. HOWARD: And if not, swing by the chocolate factory and see if they’re hiring. BERNADETTE LAUGHS, STUART LOOKS ANGRY. HOWARD: That wasn’t a joke, that was a legitimate suggestion. SCENE M ATOM CUT TO RAJ’S BEDROOM (Raj) RAJ IS SITTING ON THE BED, WITH HIS COMPUTER OPEN [SFX] TONES COME FROM THE COMPUTER. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: Hello. RAJ: Hey Dad. EXCEPT WERE NOTED, FOR THE REST OF THE SCENE, VIEWS CUT TO THE PERSON SPEAKING MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: Rajesh, what a nice surprise, calling me on my birthday. RAJ (blank look): Yes, that’s why I’m calling. An-an-and what better gift to give you, than the gift of marrying an Indian woman, just like you’ve always wanted. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: My goodness Rajesh, this is exciting news. Who is she? RAJ: You tell me. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI (confused): What? RAJ (sad): I want you to arrange a marriage for me. I’m just so tired of being single, and I’m finally, just, I’m ready to settle down. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: I-I-I just can’t call up some girls dad, and make her marry you. This, it’s not 2015 anymore. RAJ: I know that, but I can’t do this on my own, I need your help. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: Well, then I’m going to need your help, too. CUT TO RAJ ON BED, AS MR KOOTHRAPOLLI CONTINUES TALKING. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: If I’m going to find a woman…… CUT BACK TO MR KOOTHRAPOLLI ON COMPUTER SCREEN. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: ……to set you up with, you’re going to have to stop Instagraming pictures of you and your dog wearing matching sweaters. RAJ: Fine, if that’s what it takes to show you I’m serious. A, quick question, do you mean just Instagram, or all of my social…… MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: All of them. RAJ: Okay, deal. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: All, right. Let me ask you a question, what do you think of this woman. MR KOOTHRAPOLLI HOLDS UP PICTURE OF A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN. RAJ: Oh, oh, my God, she’s beautiful. Is that who you’re going to set me up with? MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: No! That’s who I’m dating. (beat) But, maybe she has an older sister. RAJ LOOKS FRUSTRATED. SCENE N ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Penny, Leonard, Amy Sheldon.) LEONARD AND PENNY IN CHAIRS, AMY SITTING ON THE ARM, SHOWING THEM THE LOCKET THEY FOUND AT THE COFFEE SHOP. AMY: So we put a little picture of me, and a little picture of Sheldon in it. LEONARD AND PENNY LOOK CONFUSED. PENNY: In the locket. AMY SMILES AND NODS SHELDON: Yes. LEONARD: That was in a lost and found box? AMY (smiling): Exactly. PENNY (puzzled): Where we hid it? AMY WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH, AND SITS DOWN ON THE ARM, NEXT TO SHELDON, SMILING. SHELDON: So you gave us three amazing gifts. The locket, the adventure, and the realization that Amy and I can do anything, as long as we work together. AMY TAKES A CARD FROM SHELDON AND GIVES IT TO LEONARD. AMY(smiling): We wrote you a special thank you note. HE OPENS IT, AND LEONARD AND PENNY LOOK AT IT CONFUSED. PENNY: Are those words? SHELDON: No. It’s a secret code that you two get to figure out together. AMY (smiling): Hint, it’s based on Sanskrit, but not the Sanskrit you’re thinking of. AMY LAUGHS SHELDON: And, best of all, you can’t use the internet to cheat. AMY (smiling): Because we lock you out of your Wi-fi, and the answer to this, is your new password. LEONARD: I’m no longer happy. [SFX] SEVERAL KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. DOOR OPENS, AND RAJ STEPS IN, CLOSES DOOR. RAJ: Hey, guys, great news. I’m getting married. SHELDON, AMY, AND LEONARD LOOK CONFUSED. LEONARD: What? AMY: To who? SHELDON: Huh? PENNY: No. RAJ: Well, I……I……I haven’t met her, yet. But, her name is Anu. And, my father says she comes from a good family, She’s in her thirties, she works in hospitality management. So, as long as I can get through six to ten dates, without revealing my true self, this is happening. SHELDON: I know just what we’re giving them for a wedding gift. FADEOUT END ACT 2 TAG/SCENE P ATOM CUT TO DENISE’S APARTMENT. (Denise, Stuart) DENISE OPENS DOOR, SEE STUART WITH A BRIGHT ORANGE FACE WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE. SHE GASPS, LOOKS SHOCKED. DENISE: Oh my God. STUART: Yeah, I wanted to look my best, for our date, and I made a series of bad decisions. One of which, is hidden by me pants. DENISE (laughs): Wow. STUART: Do you still want to go out with me? DENISE (nodding): Absolutely. DENISE GETS HER JACKET AND PURSE. DENISE(deadpans) Hey, maybe we can go find Nemo together. EXITS, AND CLOSES THE DOOR. STUART(smiles) That’s a good one. BOTH WALK DOWN THE HALL DENISE: Do your 63 other crayon friends, know you’re out? STUART: Are you just going to make fun of me all night? DENISE: Probably STUART: Great. So what are we thinking, Chinese? DENISE: Yeah, I’m in the mood for some orange chicken BLACKOUT RUN END CREDITS END
  17. Johnny and Kaley called into a patient at the Kentucky Children’s Hospital today. It was similar to a zoom call as they were in separate locations(Kaley was home). It can be found, until late Thursday, on Kaley’s stories. ETA: Johnny added it to his stories on Thursday.
  18. I really like this idea. But, I already have the names picked out, for my current fic. 🙂
  19. I love her reply, on her IG stories: "Same"
  20. Johnny's post for Kaley's birthday: https://www.instagram.com/p/CIPU233gq6U/
  21. Johnny's post for Kaley's birthday: https://www.instagram.com/p/CIPU233gq6U/ Kaley's reply: THIS IS EVERYTHING😭😭😭😭 I LOVE U MOOKS! Even at my old age of 82! 🤣
  22. All right, it’s been fixed, you can see the season 12 Transcripts now.
  23. I left a message for Tripper, I believe it's got something to do with how the Transcript Forum is set up. Once it's fixed, I'll leave a note in here.
  24. OK, as I mentioned, here is the transcript for the first episode of season 12, 1201 The Conjugal Configuration. I'll start working on the second episode next Wednesday.
  25. The Conjugal Configuration Season 12 Episode 01 Teleplay by Story by Steve Holland Chuck Lorre & & Maria Ferrari Eric Kaplan & & Jeremy Howe Tara Hernandez COLD OPEN SCENE A ATOM CUT JIM PARSONS: Previously on The Big Bang Theory. CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Amy, Mr Fowler, Mrs Fowler) MRS FOWLER WITH HER ARM AROUND AMY’S NECK, FACING MR FOWLER MRS FOWLER: Can you believed our little lamb is finally getting married…… MR FOWLER TAKES STEP TOWARDS THE TWO, MRS FOWLER LETS GO OF AMY, FACES HER, WITH BACK TO MR FOWLER. MRS FOWLER:…… he can’t believe it. And neither can I. MRS FOWLER, AMY HUG. AMY: Hi dad, how are you doing? MR FOWLER, ACTS LIKE HE’S HANGING FROM THE END OF A ROPE, HE IS HOLDING. HE STOPS, BEFORE MR FOWLER TURNS AROUND. ZOOM CUT TO CALTECH ATHENAEUM (Mark Hamill, Amy, Sheldon) MARK HAMILL OFFICIATING AT AMY AND SHELDON’S WEDDING. MARK HAMILL (almost crying): By the power vested in me by Even You Can Perform Weddings dot Com, I now pronounce you, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. AMY AND SHELDON KISS. END OF FLASHBACK ATOM CUT WITH AN “AND NOW…” TO SCENE B HOTEL ROOM (Sheldon and Amy) AMY SLEEPING, SHELDON GENTLY SHAKING HER TO WAKE HER. SHELDON: Good morning wife. AMY(smiles, laughs): Good morning husband. AMY TURNS IN BED TO FACE SHELDON. AMY: I can believe we’re actually married. SHELDON: It’s official. According to tradition, we should hang the bedsheets outside, so the villagers can see we consummated. SHELDON GETS OUT OF BED, WALKS TO THE WINDOW. AMY: I don’t think that’s appropriate, considering where we’re starting our honeymoon. SHELDON: Well, I suppose you’re right…… SHELDON OPENS THE CURTAINS, LEGOLAND IS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOW. SHELDON:…… although, when you think about it, Lego is the perfect metaphor, for marital congress. Two pieces that interlock, with a satisfying snap. AMY: Oh, that’s the sound you were making. SHELDON WALKS TO THE BED SHELDON: Oh, I almost forgot, while you were sleeping, I ordered room service. SHELDON PICKS UP A COVERED SERVING TRAY, AND BRINGS IT TO AMY. AMY: Really? SHELDON: Violá SHELDON TAKES COVER OFF OF DISH, DISPLAYS EGG, BACON, AND PANCAKES, ALL MADE OF LEGOS. SHELDON (giggling): You thought it was going to be food, didn’t you. CUT TO OPENING TITLES ACT 1 ATOM CUT TO SCENE C APARTMENT STAIRWAY (Leonard, Penny, Raj, Howard, Bernadette) ALL ARE WALKING UP THE STAIRS, HOWARD CARRYING THE BOX OF FOOD. RAJ: Mother, Is it nice having Sheldon and Amy away, on their honeymoon? PENNY: Yeah, because now Leonard and I get all this alone time. RAJ: But you’re not alone, we’re here. PENNY (frustrated): Yes, yes you are. BERNADETTE: Would you like us to leave, so you and Leonard can talk about all the things you have in common? LEONARD: Ha ha, she called your bluff. RAJ: Something pretty cool happened, channel three asked me to be on the news tomorrow night, to talk about the meteor shower. LEONARD: Well, that’s great. PENNY: Heyyyyyyy. BERNADETTE: Congratulations. HOWARD: You know, that’s how Neil deGrasse Tyson got his start. He went from the Hayden Planetarium, to guesting on the local news, to ruining everyone’s favorite movies on the internet. RAJ: Now it’s happening to me. Oooooo, I should probably make a list of all the scientific inaccuracies in Momma Mia Two. PENNY: You’re going to go on live TV, and admit you’ve seen that movie? RAJ: Hey, your husbands the one who took me. PENNY GIVE LEONARD A WTF STARE. LEOANRD: Meryl Streep and Cher? Yeah, I saw it. LEONARD PUTS THE KEY INTO THE DOOR OF 4A, TO UNLOCK IT, A NOISE COMES FROM 4B. ALL TURN TO LOOK. LEONARD REMOVES KEY. THERE IS ANOTHER NOISE. RAJ: Sounds like someone’s in there. BERNADETTE: God, what if Sheldon and Amy are getting robbed? HOWARD: Or worse, what if they’re back early? LEONARD: They’re not, they just posted a picture in front of the Statue of Liberty. PENNY: Real or Lego? LEONARD: Lego. BERNADETTE: So, what should we do? Should someone go check it out. RAJ: I would, but I got to be on TV tomorrow. Got to protect the money. RAJ INDICATES HIS FACE, PENNY RUNS OVER TO APARTMENT 4B’S DOOR. PUTS HER EAR ON THE DOOR. PENNY: Oh, yeah, someone is definitely in there. LEONARD: Okay, let’s go into our apartment…… LEONARD REINSERTS KEY AND STARTS TURNING THE KEY IN THE LOCK LEONARD:……We’ll lock the door, we’ll call the police…… PENNY STARTS BANGING ON THE DOOR PENNY(starts yelling): Hello, anyone in there? DOOR OPENS, MR FOWLER APPEARS. MR FOWLER: Yes? PENNY: Oh, Mr Fowler, sorry, we didn’t know you were here. We actually thought someone was breaking in. RAJ: And we were ready to take them down. MR FOWLER: Amy asked me to water her plants. PENNY: She doesn’t have any plants. MR FOWLER: Oh, well, you’ve caught me in a lie. MR FOWLER TURNS, CLOSES DOOR. MR FOWLER: Have a good day. MR FOWLER WALKS DOWN STAIRS. HOWARD: That was weird, right? LEONARD: Was it? I…I…I honestly can’t tell anymore. LEONARD OPENS DOOR, THEY ALL START TO ENTER. MR FOWLER: Hey, did you even see Mamma Mia One? MR FOWLER: Didn’t need to, the sequel stands on it’s own. AFTER ALL HAVE ENTERED, RAJ CLOSES APARTMENT 4A’S DOOR, MR FOWLER COMES BACK UP THE STAIRS, TO APARTMENT 4B, AND ENTERS IT, SCENE D ATOM CUT TO NY HOTEL ROOM (Bellboy, Amy, Sheldon) BELLBOY ENTERS CARRYING LUGGAGE, PUT IT ON THE FOOTSTOOL, AT THE END OF THE BED. AMY AND SHELDON ENTER. BELLBOY: Here ya go. If you need any recommendations while visiting New York, please don’t hesitate…… BELLBOY OPENS SHEER DRAPES OVER WINDOW. BELLBOY: ……to contact me. AMY: Well, it is our honeymoon. SHELDON: So we are going to be quite busy. BELLBOY: Got it. BELLBOY GOES OUT TO HALLWAY, TO GET MORE LUGGAGE. BRINGS IT IN AMY: Harry Potter play, parts one and two. SHELDON: And, tomorrow, a tour of the sites where Nicola Tesla lived, worked, and slowly went crazy. BELLBOY GIVE SHELDON A WEIRD LOOK. SHELDON WALKS TO BELLBOY, SHELDON GIVES BELLBOY TIP SHELDON: And, of course, coitus. AMY EMBARRASSED, BELLBOY LOOKS SHOCKED. BELLBOY: Well, enjoy, New York. And, I guess, coitus. BELLBOY LEAVES, SHELDON CLOSES DOOR. AMY: Really, Sheldon? You want to do it again? (Amy smiles) SHELDON: Don’t act surprised, it’s clearly marked on the schedule. SHELDON HOLDS UP PHONE, SHOWING SCHEDULE. SHELDON: Now, shall we, steam the wrinkles out of our wizard robes, or make vigorous, socially sanctioned love. Either way, I can check something off my to do list. AMY(sounding puzzled): Socially sanction……(understanding) oh, wow, yeah, there it is right there. SCENE E ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Leonard, Penny) LEONARD ON COUCH, PENNY PUTTING PLATE IN THE FRIDGE, THEN WALKS TOWARD COUCH. LEONARD: Uh, hurry, Raj is on next. PENNY: I can’t believe they cancelled Vampire Diaries, but they’ll show this. PENNY POINTS AT TV, THEN SITS ON COUCH, IN SHELDON’S SPOT. LEONARD (deadpan): This is the news. PENNY: And that was a woman torn between two hunky vampires. What is your point? SOUND OF POUNDING ON A DOOR. UNKNOWN VOICE: Larry, I know you’re in there. PENNY: Is that Amy’s mom? MORE POUNDING. UNKNOWN VOICE: Let me in. UNKNOWN VOICE (yells and pounds): Let. UNKNOWN VOICE (yells and pounds): Me. UNKNOWN VOICE (yells and pounds): In. LEONARD: Either that or the big bad wolf. MORE POUNDING. LEONARD AND PENNY TO THE DOOR, OPEN IT. MRS FOWLER POUNDING ON APARTMENT 4B’S DOOR. MRS FOWLER: Larry. PENNY: Mrs Fowler? Are you okay? MRS FOWLER: Oh, I’m okay. It’s my husband you should worry about. PENNY: Oh, we do. MRS FOWLER: Larry, come on. LEONARD: I don’t think he’s in there. MRS FOWLER TURNS HER HEAD TO LOOK AT LEONARD. GIVES HIM A “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU” LOOK. LEONARD: I mean he came by to water the imaginary plants, but then he left. MRS FOWLER: You are so naive. Blondie here is going to chew you up and spit you out. PENNY: Well, don’t tell him. LEONARD GIVES PENNY A STRNGE LOOK. MRS FOWLER WAVES HER HAND MRS FOWLER: Come on, you have an extra key, open it up. LEONARD REACHES IN, GETS KEY, GOES TO 4B TO OPEN IT LEONARD: All right, but I’m telling you he’s not in there. LEONARD OPENS 4B, ALL THREE ENTER, LEONARD TURNS LIGHT ON. LEONARD: There, see? MRS FOWLER: Ohhhhh, he’s in here, I can smell his axe body spray. MRS FOLWER LOOKING AROUND IN THE LIVING ROOM LEONARD: He wears axe body spray. PENNY: You happy? You smell like Amy’s dad. MRS FOLWER MOVES INTO THE BEDROOM MRS FOWLER: Larry! PENNY(whispers): Come on. PENNY STARTS INTO BEDROOM. STOPS WHEN LEONARD SPEAKS. LEONARD: Shouldn’t we mind our own business? PENNY: Wow, sometimes, it’s like you don’t know me at all. PENNY HEADS INTO BEDROOM, LEONARD FOLLOWS. MRS FOWLER LOOKING IN THE CLOSET PENNY: See, he not here. MRS FOWLER: You don’t know him like I do. MRS FOLWER MOVES INTO THE BATHROOM LEONARD: To be fair, we don’t know either of you. PENNY AND LEONARD MOVE INTO THE BATHROOM. MRS FOWLER PULLS ONE SIDE OF THE SHOWER CURTAIN, TO THE OTHER SIDE. NOTHING. LEONARD: Satisfied? MRS FOWLER PULLS OTHER SIDE OF THE SHOWER CURTAIN, MR FOWLER IS THERE. PENNY: Oh, yeah, now I smell him. SCENE F ATOM CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM (Howard, Bernadette) HOWARD AND BERNADETTE SITTING ON COUCH, WATCHING TV, EATING POPCORN. VOICE OF WEATHER GIRL, ON TV, CAN BE HEARD. BERNADETTE: Hey, that is one hot weather girl. HOWARD: How come, if I say that, I get in trouble? BERNADETTE: You want to say it, you can say it. HOWARD LOOKS CONFUSED AND WORRIED HOWARD: Nice try. You’re going to have to find some other way, to not have sex with me tonight. And, it’s not weather girl, it’s weather woman. CUT TO TV SCREEN IS VISIBLE, WITH WEATHER WOMAN AND RAJ. WOMAN: And with us today, to talk about the upcoming meteor shower, and the best places to view it, Caltech astrophysicist, Dr Rajesh, Koothrapolli. Thank you for being here. RAJ: Thank you for having me. I guess Neil deGrasse Tyson was (laughs)unavailable. (laughs) WOMAN: (laughs loudly) Yeah. RAJ’S SMILE DISAPPEARS, TURNS TO THE WOMAN RAJ: What do you mean, yeah? WOMAN WAVES RAJ’S CONCERNS AWAY WOMAN: Not important. What can we expect to see from this meteor shower? RAJ: Well, I think we can count on a lot of flaming gas, which is what you would have gotten from your first choice, Neil deGrasse Tyson. RESET CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM HOWARD: Pull up, Raj. Pull up. RESET CUT TO TV SCREEN WOMAN: Sounds like there is no love lost between you and Dr Tyson. RAJ: Oh, no, I love Neil. I mean, not as much as Neil loves Neil, but who does, right? RESET CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM BERNADETTE: I want to look away, but I can’t. RESET CUT TO TV SCREEN WOMAN: Oh, you know, I’m told we are out of time. Having learned nothing about meteor showers, and too much about Dr Koothrapolli. RAJ: Thank you. RESET CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM HOWARD AND BERNADETTE STARE AT TV WITH BLANK, SHOCKED STARES. SCENE G ATOM CUT TO NY HOTEL ROOM (Sheldon, Amy) SHELDON AND AMY, WEARING WIZARD’S ROBES, ENTER THE ROOM. SHELDON: You know what I love about Broadway Theatre? It’s so interactive. SHELDON CLOSES DOOR AMY (annoyed): Uh, huh. SHELDON: You’re so close to the actors, it’s like you’re in the play. AMY(annoyed): Uh huh. AMY PUT PURSE ON THE DESK, AND THEN HER AND SHELDON TAKE OFF THEIR ROBES. SHELDON: You yell Harry, watch out, he looks right at you. And, not just Harry, everyone on stage. AMY(annoyed): At the risk of sounding redundant, uh huh. SHELDON: All, right, it’s a bit late, but I did block out the rest of the evening for conjugal relations. Should we shower? I mean before, not during, that’s how you fall and break a hip. AMY: You know, I’m a little jet laggy, maybe we can revisit this in the morning. SHELDON: Oh, no can do, if we miss tonight, it’s not scheduled until Thursday at six. And that’ll have to be no frills, because we got 6:30 reservation at Benihanna. AMY: Sheldon, do we really have to do this on a schedule? SHELDON: Are you suggesting spontaneity? AMY: I… I guess, yeah. SHELDON: So, now that we’re married, sex can occur at any time? Like, we could be brushing out teeth and suddenly your minty fresh tongue is in my mouth? No thank you. AMY: Really? Would it be so bad to mix it up a little? SHELDON: Mix it up? Who are you Betty Crocker? SHELDON STARTS WALKING PASSED AMY AMY: Where are you going? SHELDON: To take a shower. Now that sex can happen at any time, I’ll always have to be ready. Should probably live under a waterfall. AMY (irritated) : Well, you don’t have to worry about sex happening tonight. SHELDON: Oh, well, thanks. But, I’m still gonna rinse off. I touched a lot of stuff in the gift shop. SCENE H ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4B (Penny, Leonard, Mr and Mrs Fowler) PENNY, LEONARD AND MR FOWLER ARE SEATED, ON THE COUCH, MRS FOWLER IS PACING. MRS FOWLER: No message, no note, who would do that. What kind of husband…… LEONARD: If you let him talk, maybe you’ll find out. MRS FOWLER STOPS PACING, LOOKS AT MR FOWLER, CROSSES HER ARMS. MRS FOWLER: Fine, Larry? MR FOWLER SHRUGS PENNY: There you go, what more can he say? MRS FOWLER: Lets go home. MR FOWLER: I think I’ll stay. MRS FOWLER: Well, if you’re going to stay, then I’ll stay. MRS FOWLER SITS IN CHAIR. LEONARD: All right, well, you know who doesn’t need to stay? Us, come on. LEONARD WALKS OUT OF THE APARTMENT _(BEAT) LEONARD WALKS BACK IN. LEONARD: Penny. LEONARD WALKS OUT. PENNY (disappointed): Ohhhhhhh. PENNY WALKS OUT. CLOSES DOOR MRS FOWLER: I don’t think those two are going to make it. FADEOUT END ACT 1 ACT 2 ATOM CUT TO SCENE J APARTMENT 4A (Penny and Leonard) PENNY AND LEONARD ENTER. LEONARD: Poor Mr Fowler, I really feel sorry for the little guy. PENNY: I know, after they had Amy, she should have just eaten him and been done with it. LEONARD CLOSES DOOR LEONARD: Look at you, retaining facts from a nature show. PENNY OPENS FRIDGE, GETS BOTTLE OF WATER, STANDS BY ISLNAD. LEONARD WALKS UP TO HER. PENNY: I know, really what did he ever see in her? He’s so, so sweet, and she’s such a ball-buster. LEONARD: Some guys think strong women are sexy. PENNY: They seem to have nothing in common. LEONARD: Sometimes opposites attract. PENNY OPENS BOTTLE, LEONARD RUBS PENNY’S ARM. PENNY: Wai……wai……are you saying we, are like them? LEONARD: I don’t know, maybe a little. PENNY: So, you’re the sweet quiet one, and I’m Amy’s mom? Is that what you’re saying? LEONARD SHRUGS (AS MR FOWLER DID) PENNY LOOKS SHOCKED AND ANGRY. WALKS AWAY, TOWARDS THE HALLWAY. ATOM CUT TO SCENE K WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM (Howard, Bernadette, Raj) HOWARD PASSING OUT FOOD, BERNADETTE BRINGING IN DRINKS, RAJ LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. RAJ: Hey, check out what Neil deGrasse Tyson just tweeted. “I’ve been informed, that some random, attention seeking nobody, took a cheap shot at me, on the local news(smiles, and excited). That’s me, guys, he’s talking about me. HOWARD BERNADETTE SIT ON COUCH, START EATING HOWARD: Yeah, I cut you a lot of slack, cause you come from another country, but, I mean, you’ve been here a long time. BERNADETTE: Raj, you need to apologize to Dr Tyson. RAJ: Whyyyyyy? This could be good for me. Everybody loves a good twitter feud. Neil and I could be like the new Katie Perry and Taylor Swift. BERNADETTE: Come on Raj, you’re better than this. RAJ: Leave room for desert, cause I’m going to make you eat those words. RAJ START TYPING ON HIS PHONE. RAJ: Dear Dr Tyson, much like epithelial tissue, it appears that I’ve gotten, under your skin. iPhone drop. But, I won’t, because I don’t have AppleCare. [SFX] TEXT TONE FROM RAJ’S PHONE.. BERNADETTE: What’d he say? RAJ(reads message): Nice try genius, the skin is epithelial tissue RAJ: Ohhhhhhh, it’s on, he’s Katie, I’m T-Swift. RAJ START TYPING ON HIS PHONE. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE EXCHANGE “WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM” STARES. HOWARD (resignedly): What are you going to do, he’s from another country. SCENE L ATOM CUT TO EXTERIOR: NY STREET. (Group of people, including Tour Guide, Sheldon and Amy) TOUR GUIDE: And, here we have the former hotel, where Tesla perfected the three phase, alternating current motor. TOUR GUIDE CONTINUES SPEAKING UNDER THE SHELDON AND AMY DIALOGUE. SHELDON: That’s wrong, I’m going to say something. AMY: Don’t. SHELDON: Well then, how will everyone know I’m the smartest boy here? AMY (irritated): Just let it go. SHELDON: Is everything all right? You seem testy this morning. AMY (testily): I’m not testy. SHELDON: I’ll have to take your word for it, there’s no test for testy. (beat) Is it possible that you’re sexually frustrated? AMY (testily): Okay, now I’m testy. SHELDON: If you would’ve adhered to my coital schedule, you’re brain would be floating on a sea of oxytocin right now. AMY (angrily): Don’t talk to me about my brain, I’m a neurobiologist. TOUR GUIDE STOPS SPEAKING. SHELDON: Then you should know the benefits of the special hug grownups give each other. REST OF THE GROUP HAS TURNED AND IS LOOKING AT AMY AND SHELDON AMY NOTICES THEM LOOKING AT HER AMY (whispers): Sheldon, everybody’s listening. Unlike that guy. SHELDON POINTS AT TOUR GUIDE. AMY:I’m walking away from you. AMY TURNS AND WALKS AWAY. SHELDON WATCHES HER GO, THEN TURNS AND LOOKS AT THE GROUP. SHELDON: Yeah, I’m only recently married. Do I stay here, do I follow, say something useful. SCENE M ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A KITCHEN AND ISLAND (Leonard, Penny.) PENNY MAKING COFFEE, LEONARD ENTERS FROM HALLWAY. LEONARD: Morning sunshine. PENNY TURNS AND LOOKS AT LEONARD WITH A DEATH STARE. LEONARD: So, I see you’re making espresso. PENNY KEEPS ON SETTING UP MACHINE FOR ESPRESSO PENNY (angry): Yep, just need that extra jolt, for a successful day of ball-busting. LEONARD: Really? I don’t…I don’t think you do. PENNY: You know, you compared us to the strangest couple we know. And we know Amy and Sheldon, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his twitchy little dog. LEONARD: I…I…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. PENNY: Because it wasn’t nice, or because it wasn’t true. LEONARD: It’s not true, eh…eh…eh…Mrs Fowler, is an angry, vindictive woman, whereas you are warm, an…and loving, quick to forgive. PENNY (disgusted): Oh, please. PENNY WALKS OVER TO FRIDGE. LEONARD: I…I… I’m serious, and I’m nothing like Amy’s dad. He’s a mousey, little man who can’t stand up for himself. PENNY GIVE LEONARD A “WANNA BET” LOOK. LEONARD: My point is, you’re not like her, so we’re not like them. PENNY (a little sad): Well, thirty years from now are you going to hide from me because I’m so scary? LEONARD: Penny, I don’t think you’re scary. Yes, I flinch when you make sudden moves, but that says more about my childhood, than you. PENNY (touched): Awwwwwww. PENNY STEPS TOWARD LEONARD RAISES HER ARMS TO GIVE HIM A HUG. LEONARD FLINCHES AND TAKES A STEP BACK. HE RAISES HIS ARMS AND INDICATES PENNY SHOULD HUG HIM. THEY HUG. SCENE N ATOM CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM (Howard, Bernadette, Raj) THE THREE ARE PLAYING SETTLERS OF CATAAN, HOWARD GIVES RAJ THE DICE. HOWARD: Your turn. RAJ: Hang on. I’m checking to see if Neil replied to my latest smackdown. BERNADETTE: Really? Don’t you think this twitter feud is a little silly. RAJ: Absolutely not. It’s…it’s…two respected scientists debating opposing views in a public forum. HOWARD: You called him Mike Tyson’s little sister. RAJ: Yeah, and now Mike Tyson’s mad at me too. BERNADETTE: Raj, you’re not going to impress anyone, by attacking him. RAJ (frustrated): Oh, Bernadette, you sound so old right now. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE EXCHANGE DISGUSTED GLANCES. SCENE P ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Penny and Mrs Fowler) MRS FOWLER SITTING ON THE COUCH, PENNY WALKS OVER AND SITS IN LEONARD’S CHAIR. SETS COFFEE CUP IN FRONT OF MRS FOWLER. MRS FOWLER: He said he needs a break, and I’m too much for him. PENNY: Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean that. MRS FOWLER(yelling): He said I’m overbearing. PENNY: Oh, please, you’re just the right amount of bearing. MRS FOWLER GIVES PENNY AN ANGRY STARE. PENNY (short laugh): Look, I know he loves you, if you just give him some space, I’m sure he’ll come back. MRS FOWLER: You really think so? PENNY: Yeah, I do. MRS FOWLER SMILES AND SLIDES OVER ON THE COUCH, TO BE CLOSER TO PENNY. MRS FOWLER: You’re a good person, Penny. I hope we get to spend lots of time together. PENNY SMILES A LARGE FAKE SMILE PENNY: Me too. SCENE Q ZOOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4B DOOR (Penny) PENNY KNOCKING ON THE DOOR MR FOWLER OPENS DOOR MR FOWLER: Yes. PENNY (tightly): Hit the road. MR FOWLER(puzzled): But…… PENNY (yelling): NOW MR FOWLER(puzzled): Can I get my stuff? PENNY (through gritted teeth): Be quick about it. MR FOWLER TURNS TO GET HIS THINGS. SCENE R ATOM CUT TO NY STREET. (Amy) AMY SITTING ON A BENCH. SHELDON WALKS UP, CARRYING TWO HOT DOGS, SITS NEXT TO AMY. SHELDON: Hello AMY: Hello SHELDON: I brought you two hot dogs. AMY: Aren’t you going to eat one? SHELDON: From a street cart? Are you crazy? I’m amazed that I’m holding them AMY: I’m not really hungry SHELDON: You realize, that I’m not a particularly physical perso AMY (nods): I know. SHELDON: When I was little, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d always say, a brain, in a jar. AMY: Sure. SHELDON: But, I want to be a good husband to you. And, intimacy, is a part of that. SHELDON IS MOVING THE HOT DOGS BACK AND FORTH, IN FRONT OF AMY’S FACE. AMY: Please put those down. SHELDON PUTS HOT DOGS ON THE BENCH. SHELDON: I’m just worried, that if I don’t schedule our bedroom endeavors, then I may not think about them. And, you’ll grow cold and distant, and seek solace in the arms of a heavily muscled longshoreman. AMY: Where would I find a longshoreman? SHELDON: Along the shore, it’s in the name. AMY (resigned) : Sheldon, I could never be with anybody but you. SHELDON: That’s good to know. I wouldn’t want to fight a man, who’s brave enough to touch a fish. AMY: How’s this for a compromise? Make all the schedules you want, just don’t tell me about them. SHELDON: Excellent. I’ll create an algorithm, that will create a pseudorandom schedule. Eh, do you know why it won’t be a true random schedule. AMY: Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science. SHELDON: Come with me. AMY: Where are we going? SHELDON: To the hotel room. And when we get there, I’m going to need you to say that again, except naked. AMY GASPS. THEY WALK OFF. (2 BEATS), SHELDON RUNS BACK ON, PICKS UP HOT DOGS AND THROWS THEM IN THE TRASH CAN. THEN RUNS BACK OFF. FADEOUT END ACT 2 TAG/SCENE S ATOM CUT TO RAJ’S CAR (Raj) [SFX] PHONE RINGING, RAJ ANSWERS IT THROUGH THE CAR SYSTEM. RAJ: Go for doctor K. UNKNOWN VOICE ON PHONE; Is this Rajesh Koothrapolli RAJ: Yes, who is this? CUT TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE. (Neil) NEIL: Neil deGrasse Tyson. RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ, HAS “OH, OH” LOOK ON HIS FACE. RAJ: Uh, bub, wow, (nervous laugh) How fun is this twitter thing, huh? RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL (irritated) You think your funny? RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ: I……I’m……I…I’m not Seinfeld funny. But, I did an open mic night once…… RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: You’re not funny. RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ: Yeah, that’s what they said at The Chuckle Hut. NEIL (over phone): How about this…… RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: …… I’ve got a book signing, at Vroman’s*, in Pasadena next week, why don’t you by and say some of those things to my face. RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ (nervous laugh): Ohhhhhhh, no, but thanks for the invite. RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: Smart move, and the next time you pick up your phone, remember, I’m the guy who kicked Pluto out of the solar system. RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ: And, it deserved it sir. Thank you, bye bye. RAJ DISCONNECTS. RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: Whoa, that was fun. NEIL DISCONNECTS LOOKING THROUGH HIS CONTACT LIST NEIL: Let’s see who else needs a deGrasse kicking. NEIL PUSHES ANOTHER NUMBER. CUT TO BILL NYE’S OFFICE. (Bill) BILL: Bill Nye, science guy. RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: Hey Bill, Neil Tyson. We’ve got to talk. CUT TO BILL NYE’S OFFICE BILL LOOKS SCARED, SLAMS PHONE DOWN TO DISCONNECT. END TAG CUT TO RUN END CREDITS END * Yes, Vroman’s is the correct spelling.
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