The Procreation Calculation
Season 12 Episode 03
Teleplay by: Story by:
Steve Holland Chuck Lorre
Maria Ferrari Tara Hernandez
Anthony Del Broccolo Adam Faberman
ATOM CUT TO
(Counter clockwise around coffee table. Leonard, Penny, Sheldon, Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Raj)
THE GANG AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE EATING. RAJ ON FLOOR, STANDS, WALKS TO KITCHEN.
BERNADETTE: So, Penny, we were talking to our neighbors and they’re thinking of moving and selling their house.
PENNY: Really, why?
HOWARD: Something about babies crying and keeping them up all night, it’s not important. You guys should totally take a look at it.
BERNADETTE: We could be neighbors.
AMY: Hey, wait a minute, what about us?
AMY MOVES HER HAND INDICATING SHELDON AND HERSELF.
AMY: We’re married now, maybe we want to buy the house next door.
SHELDON: Amy, we can’t move, I’d have to change all the tags in my underwear.
AMY: You can buy new ones.
SHELDON: Wha……new house, new underwear, what are I, in the witness protection program?
HOWARD: Okay, guys, so what do ya think?
LEONARD: I don’t know, we’re pretty happy here.
PENNY: Yeah, plus, if we moved, we’d probably just get a loft, downtown.
LEONARD: Really? I always figured we’d get a place with a yard.
PENNY: Oh, sure, that makes sense, so you could (sarcastic) shoot hoops, and mow the lawn?
HOWARD: How are you two married?
LEONARD: You were there, I wore her down.
PENNY POINTS TO LEONRD
PENNY: He did,
RAJ WALKS BACK INTO THE LIVING ROOM, AND SITS ON THE FLOOR.
RAJ: You two should have talked about this stuff, while you were dating. Me and Anu, already know so much about each other.
BERNADETTE: Wait, I forget, is Anu your waxer?
RAJ: Ah, no, that’s Annette, Anu is the woman my father fixed me up with. We’re going on our first date tomorrow. Which reminds me, I need to see Annette.
AMY: You’re really letting your father pick out a wife?
RAJ: Why not, arranged marriages have been working for thousands of years. Anu and I come from similar backgrounds. Our families get along, and we each filled out questionnaires, so we know we’re not wasting our time with someone who is not compatible.
PENNY: Wow, that sounds so dry and clinical.
SHELDON: You lucky duck.
LEONARD: I just don’t think you can truly know someone, until you’ve spent a lot of time with them.
RAJ: Really? What’s Penny’s dream vacation?
PENNY TURNS TO LEONARD, EXPECTANTLY
LEONARD: Ahhhhhhh, Malibu beach house.
PENNY: That’s Barbie’s dream vacation.
TURNS TOWARD RAJ
PENNY: Maybe you should send us that questionnaire
ATOM CUT TO
WOLOWITZ’S LIVING ROOM
HOWARD ON COUCH, BERNADETTE IN A CHAIR, BOTH READING.
HOWARD: Enjoying your book?
BERNADETTE: So much.
HOWARD MAKES A POKING MOTION
SHELDON: Why do you keep poking at it.
BERNADETTE PICKS UP HER PHONE FROM THE BOOK
BERNADETTE: Fine, I’m shopping on my phone.
HOWARD: You’re the one that said you wanted to read more.
BERNADETTE: Yes, I also tell people that I only feed the kids organic. It’s just stuff you say.
[SFX] DOOR CLOSING. DENISE AND STUART ENTER STOP UPSTAGE OF COUCH.
HOWARD: Hey. How was your night?
STUART: Ahhhh, it was great, we went to an improv show.
DENISE: They asked the audience to suggest a word, and they used Stuart’s
BERNADETTE: Oh, cool, what was it?
STUART (smiling and proud): Coconuts
DENISE: It was such a good one.
STUART: It just came to me. What are you guys up to?
DENISE: Oh, nice, I wish I read more.
BERNADETTE: Well, if it’s important, you find the time.
HOWARD GIVES BERNADETTE A WTF LOOK.
STUART: You want to see my room?
DENISE AND STUART EXIT, TO HIS ROOM
BERNADETTE: How do you feel about this?
HOWARD: That she can clearly do better, but that’s not for me to say.
BERNADETTE POINTS TOWARDS STUARTS ROOM.
BERNADETTE: No, with them in his room, doing stuff.
HOWARD: Oh, come on, we’re sitting right out here. They’re not gonna do anything.
[SFX] SADE’S “SMOOTH OPERATOR” STARTS PLAYING. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE LOOK AT STUARTS ROOM, THEN BACK TO EACH OTHER.
HOWARD: I’d like to change my answer.
HOWARD AND BERNADETTE LOOKED BOTHERED.
ATOM CUT TO
PENNY SITTING ON THE COUCH, LEONARD ON THE CHAIR, HE’S PAINTING HER FINGERNAILS.
PENNY: Wow, you really are good at this.
LEONARD: Well, I’ve spent a lot of time painting D & D miniatures. I know that makes you want to rip my shirt off, but wait until your nails are dry.
PENNY AND LEONARD SMILE AT EACH OTHER. [SFX] TONE FROM LEONARD’S PHONE.
LEONARD: Oh, it’s Raj. He sent us that Indian marriage questionnaire
PENNY: Oooohhh, read one.
LEONARD READS FROM PHONE.
LEONARD: Okay…… How religious are you? That’s easy, both of us, not at all.
PENNY: No, I wouldn’t say not at all. I mean, I am pretty spiritual, I do go to yoga, so……
LEONARD: Great, so your church is Our Lady of the Stretchy Pants. Next question…… ahhhh, how close are you with your family.
PENNY: Pretty close.
LEONARD: I’m gonna say not too close, but I’m hoping to get farther. How do you feel about children?
PENNY: Um, they’re okay, I guess. I mean, if I saw one, I wouldn’t throw a rock at it.
LEONARD: W-why would you throw a rock at a child?
PENNY (chuckling): I just said I wouldn’t.
LEONARD: The question is, would you like to have kids? So, yeah, we want kids.
PENNY: Yeah, someday
PENNY LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.
LEONARD: Right, like in the next five years.
PENNY: Sure, uh, next question.
LEONARD: How are you with pets? Well, I did take care of Sheldon for fifteen years, and he only bit me twice.
PENNY SMILES, BUT STILL LOOKS UNCOMFORTABLE.
ATOM CUT TO
BOTH OF THEM LOOKING AT THE MENU
RAJ: I have to say, uh, after reading your questionnaire, I feel like I already know you.
ANU CLOSES HER MENU
ANU: Totally. Me too.
ANU RAISES HER HAND
ANU: Excuse me.
WAITER WALKS OVER.
ANU (in a commanding voice): Can we please get sparkling, instead of tap, some clean silverware,
ANU POINTS AT ANOTHER TABLE
and find out what they’re having, that looks delicious.
WAITER: Yes ma’am
ANU: Thank you. So, you’re an astrophysicist.
RAJ LOOKS SHOCKED.
RAJ: Yes, ma’am.
ANU GIVES RAJ A WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU LOOK.
RAJ: I-I mean, just yes. U-u-unless you prefer, “ma’am”.
ANU: I don’t.
RAJ: Because you don’t seem like a ma’am. You seem more like a sweet thang.
ANU: Wow, you are not good at this.
RAJ (chuckles: If I was good at this, I wouldn’t need to be fixed up by my father.
ANU: I never though I’d let my family set me up either, but I’m 34, I’d like to have kids, and it’s hard to date, because I work so much.
RAJ: Oh, yes, uh, you’re a concierge.
ANU: For now, I plan to be managing a hotel in the next five years. Four, if I can get the current manager out of the way. He’s a smoker, so fingers crossed.
ANU CROSSES HER FINERS.
RAJ: I-I get it. You know, um, I used to have a long list of what I wanted from a wife. Uh, eyes like Sandra Bullock, hair like Sandra Bullock, and the bravery of Ryan Stone. That’s Sandra Bullock’s character in Gravity. But, now I-I just want someone nice.
ANU: I think I’m nice. Are you nice?
RAJ: Oh, I’m definitely nice, every time a girl breaks up with me, she always starts with, You’re a nice guy.
ANU: Look, you’re whole sweet, insecure thing is cute, but honestly, I have no time for that. If you’re not serious about this, you need to walk away, now.
RAJ: I-I am serious.
RAJ (chuckles): Okay. I-I_ okay wh-wh what does this mean?
ANU: I think it means I might be the future Mrs……
ANU: How would you feel if I didn’t change my name?
RAJ: A little hurt, but you wouldn’t know, because I’m too nice.
ANU LOOKS AT RAJ WITH AN “AWWWWWW” LOOK.
ATOM CUT TO
BERNADETTE’S OFFICE AT ZANGEN
PENNY STICK HEAD IN THE DOOR, WHILE BERNADETTE IS SITTING AT HER DESK WORKING ON HER COMPUTER.
PENNY: Hey, want to get lunch?
BERNADETTE: I can’t. Halley and Michael were up all night, and I’m way behind here.
PENNY: Oh, no, are they sick?
PENNY ENTERS OFFICE.
BERNADETTE: They were just laughing and playing like a couple of jerks. (beat) Boy, they’re cute, but they ruin everything.
PENNY SITS IN CHAIR IN FRONT OF BERNADETTE’S DESK.
PENNY: I get that. You know, I’ve been thinking lately, that maybe I don’t want kids.
BERNADETTE: Are you crazy? Of course you want them, it’s amazing.
PENNY: You just said they ruin everything.
BERNADETTE: I’m allowed to. It’s their fault I pee when I laugh.
BERNADETTE GET UP, GOES TO HER CREDENZA, AND PICKS UP A FOLDER.
PENNY: Hang on, why is it crazy, to say I might not want kids.
BERNADETTE: Oh, it’s not crazy. It’s just wrong. You only think you don’t want kids, but once you have kids, you’ll realize that you did want them.
PENNY: Or I don’t want them, so I won’t have them, so back off.
BERNADETTE: Awwwww, you sound just like me, before I became a mom, and learned what the meaning of love was.
PENNY (a bit angry): Wow, I cannot believe how condescending you’re being.
BERNADETTE: Look, I know it’s scary, but you’re gonna be a great mom.
PENNY (angry): I know I’d be great, but the point is I don’t want to be one.
BERNADETTE: Maybe you wouldn’t be great. You kind of got a temper.
PENNY: You know, not everyone needs to have kids to be fulfilled.
BERNADETTE: You’re right, you’ve got Leonard. What more do you need?
PENNY ROLLS EYES.
ATOM CUT TO
(Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, Howard)
LEONARD, SHELDON, AND HOWARD SITTING AT TABLE, RAJ COMES UP AND SITS DOWN.
RAJ: Hey, guys.
HOWARD: How was your date.
RAJ: Ah, let me answer that with a question. How would you like to be my best man.
THE OTHER THREE LOOK AT RAJ IN SHOCK.
HOWARD(laughs) Wait, you’re not seriously marrying a woman you’ve met once.
RAJ: Why not? She’s nice, I’m nice. We’re just as likely to be happy as any other two people. Maybe even happier.
LOOKS AT LEONARD.
RAJ: Sorry, that was not a swipe at you.
LEONARD LOOKS PUZZLED.
LEONARD: I didn’t think it was.
RAJ LOOKS A LITTLE GUILTY.
RAJ: Good, cause it was not.
SHELDON: Well, I for one applaud Raj’s decision to forgo emotional attachment, and find a life partner by bowing to a 3000 year old authoritarian tradition.
LEONARD: What are you talking about? You married a woman you’re in love with.
SHELDON: I can’t believe you’re throwing that back in my face.
RAJ TURNS TOWARD HOWARD.
RAJ: Why can’t you just be happy for me.
HOWARD: Because, you’re being dumb. You don’t know anything about her.
RAJ: W-w-well, how come you all get to be married, and I have to stay single?
HOWARD: I think that’s a question for a licensed professional.
RAJ: You know what? you’re not just insulting me. Okay, you’re insulting my family, my culture, and my future bride, Anu. A vegetarian, with a masters degree from Cornell, who’s favorite fruit is pineapple.
RAJ GET UP FROM THE TABLE AND WALKS OFF.
SHELDON: Now, I’m not sure if this helps, but did you know, that pineapples were once so rare, that king Charles posed for a portrait with one?
LEONARD: How does that help?
SHELDON: Oh, it helped me. I’ve been trying to slide that into a conversation for years.
ATOM CUT TO
WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM
BERNADETTE SITTING ON THE SOFA, WORKING ON HER COMPUTER. HOWARD ENTERS THE HOUSE [SFX: DOOR CLOSING].
BERNADETTE: Hey honey, how was your day
HOWARD WALKS OVER TO DESK AND DROPS KEYS ON IT.
BERNADETTE: What’s wrong?
HOWARD WALKS TO COUCH AND SITS NEXT TO BERNADETTE.
HOWARD: Raj is talking about marrying this woman, he just met. I told him it was dumb, and now he’s mad at me.
BERNADETTE: The same thing happened to me. Penny said she didn’t want kids, and I told her she was being silly. And, she accused me of being condescending. Which is crazy, because if I wanted to be condescending, I would have said……
BERNADETTE’S VOICE BECOMES CONDESCENDING
BERNADETTE: ……Ooohhh, condescending, that’s such a big word.
HOWARD: Why won’t our friends just listen to us? We obviously know what we’re talking about.
BERNADETTE: I know. We’re married, we have great kids, great jobs, this great house.
[SFX SMOOTH OPERATOR STARTS PLAYING AND CONTINUES TO THE END OF THE SCENE] HOWARD AND BERNADETTE LOOK AT EACH OTHER DISGUSTED. AS IT GOES ON LONGER, THEY HOLD HANDS, THEN LOOK READY TO CRY.
ATOM CUT TO
LEONARD AT HIS DESK, USING HIS COMPUTER, PENNY IN THE KITCHEN, MAKING TEA.
PENNY: Hey, Leonard, remember yesterday, when we were talking about having kids, someday?
PENNY: Well, what if it wasn’t someday?
LEONARD TURNS TO LOOK AT PENNY, SHOCK ON HIS FACE. HE SMILES
LEONARD: Oh my God.
PENNY LOOKS AT HIM PUZZLED. LEONARD STANDS
LEONARD (excitedly): Oh my God, are your pregnant?
PENNY LOOKS WORRIED AND STARTS WALKING TOWARD LEONARD.
PENNY: NO. NO. No, no. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
PENNY: Nooooooo. What I meant was, what if, what if we didn’t have kids?
PENNY: I mean our life is so great. Why would we want to change that?
LEONARD LOOKS CONFUSED
LEONARD: Sure, sure, sure. An…an…an…and I guess it would be hard raising kids……
LEONARD TURNS AWAY AND STARTS GETTING ANGRY.
LEONARD (raises voice): ……in-in the loft, you never told me you wanted.
PENNY: Well, wait, don’t be mad.
LEONARD: I’m not mad.
LEONARD ANGRILY JERKS THE DOOR HANDLE, IT DOESN’T OPEN.
LEONARD (raising voice): Why would I be mad? (yelling) There’s nothing to be mad at.
LEONARD ANGRILY JERKS THE DOOR HANDLE, WITH BOTH HANDS. IT STILL DOESN’T OPEN. HE CONTINUES JERKING ON THE DOOR.
PENNY: You have to turn the thing.
LEONARD (yelling): I knew that.
LEONARD ANGRILY TURNS THE LOCK TO OPEN, JERKS THE DOOR HANDLE, AND OPENS THE DOOR. EXITS, THEN SLAMS THE DOOR.
FROM OUTSIDE THE DOOR
AMY: Hi Leonard.
LEONARD (yelling angrily): I’m not mad.
CUT TO PENNY WITH A LOOK OF DISTRESS
END ACT 1
ATOM CUT TO
LEONARD LOOKS UPSET, SHELDON LOOKS AT LEONARD, THEN AWAY.
SHELDON: You’re awfully quiet.
SHELDON: No, I like it.
LEONARD: Got a lot on my mind
SHELDON: Would you like to talk about it?
LEONARD: Not really.
SHELDON: Grape nuts for breakfast, quiet car ride, things are really breaking my way today.
LEONARD: It’s just Penny hit me with some pretty big news. And, it’s a lot to process.
SHELDON: And, you’d like to do that quietly, I respect that.
LEONARD: She said she doesn’t want to have kids.
SHELDON: Maybe she didn’t mean it. Like, when you said you didn’t want to talk about this.
LEONARD: Forget it.
SHELDON LOOKS AT LEONARD, (4 BEATS).
SHELDON: Do you want to have children?
LEONARD: Well, I always assumed we would, and now I find out, you know, I might be the last of the Hofstadter line.
SHELDON: Doesn’t your brother have children? And your sister. She kept the Hofstadter name, and has five healthy boys, Neil, Jeffery, Scott, William, and baby Richard.
LEONARD: I’m going back to being quiet.
LEONARD LOOKS UNHAPPY AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
ATOM CUT TO
(Howard, Raj, and Various other Caltech people)
RAJ SITTING AT A TABLE, HOWARD ENTERS, CARRYING A TRAY.
HOWARD: Hey, mind if I sit?
HOWARD SETS HIS TRAY ON THE TABLE, RAJ SHRUGS,
RAJ: Did you just come her to tell me I’m making a gigantic mistake, by having this blueberry muffin, and I should’ve got a cinnamon roll, like you did?
RAJ: Good, ‘cause I’m happy with my choice. Although that cinnamon roll does smell good, if you’re open to halfsies
HOWARD SITS DOWN, PASSES THE ROLL OVER TO RAJ.
RAJ STARTS CUTTING THE CINNAMON ROLL IN HALF.
HOWARD: Look, I’m sorry about yesterday. You’re right, I was being……
RAJ TAKES A BITE OF THE CINNAMON.
RAJ: Oh, my God, that is so good.
HOWARD: I can wait.
RAJ: No. (clears throat) Sorry. Go on.
HOWARD: I’ve known you a long time, you believe in romance more than any person I’ve every met, and it’s hard to see you give up on that. But, if you really think marrying this woman is going to make you happy, then you have my complete and total support. I will be with you, every step of the way.
RAJ: Thanks Howard, that means a lot.
HOWARD: So, hey, is this wedding going to be in India?
RAJ: Uh, maybe.
HOWARD COVERS HIS FACE WITH HIS LEFT HAND.
ATOM CUT TO
PENNY SITTING IN LEONARD’S CHAIR, ON HER IPAD. AMY COMES STORMING THROUGH THE DOOR.
AMY (angrily): What the hell, Penny?
AMY CLOSES THE DOOR
PENNY: I’m gonna need more than that.
AMY WALKS TOWARD PENNY
AMY(angrily): Your not having kids? How could you do this to me?
PENNY: How is it any of your business?
AMY (angrily): Because your kids were supposed be friends with my kids. Who’s going to be friends with them now?
PENNY: They will find other friends.
AMY (angrily sarcastic): Oh, sure, because Sheldon’s DNA plus my DNA equals a kids who knows how to make friends. Grow up.
PENNY (yelling): This is between me and Leonard.
AMY (angrily): Screw Leonard.
AMY TURNS AND WALKS AWAY FROM PENNY, THEN TURNS BACK TOWARD HER
AMY: We were supposed to get pregnant together, we were going to be barf buddies, we were supposed to massage each others perineums with vitamin E.
PENNY: I’m about to be your barf buddy right now. Listen, when you have kids I’m still going to be there. I’m gonna be their fun aunt Penny, who gives them candy, and teaches them swear words and tells them stories about what a weirdo their mother is.
AMY: I guess I could live with that.
AMY WALKS TOWARD PENNY
AMY: What is going to be hard is letting go of the dream of us breastfeeding each others babies.
AMY SITS ON ARM OF CHAIR, PENNY HAS DISGUSTED LOOK ON HER FACE.
PENNY: And it’s gonna be hard to forget you said that.
AMY STARTS TO REACH TO TOUCH PENNY’S FACE
AMY BRINGS ARM BACK, LOOKS DISAPPOINTED, PENNY GOES BACK TO HER IPAD.
ATOM CUT TO
BERNADETTE ON THE BED, RUBBING ON HAND LOTION, HOWARD COMES OUT OF THE BATHROOM
HOWARD: What would you say, if I told you I was totally naked, under this robe.
BERNADETTE: I would say that sound’s pretty good.
HOWARD: Really? I did not see that coming.
HOWARD REACHES UNDER THE ROBE AND PULLS OFF HIS UNDERWEAR. THEN JUMPS ON THE BED. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE START KISSING.
[SFX] SMOOTH OPERATOR STARTS PLAYING.
HOWARD AND BERNADETTE BREAK THE KISS
BERNADETTE: Oh, come on.
HOWARD: Wait, stay in the mood……
HOWARD REACHES BEHIND HIM FOR A REMOTE, THEN FIDDLES WITH IT
HOWARD:…… I’ll put on our own music, and drown them out.
[SFX] BRITTANY SPEAR’S YOU WANT A HOT BODY, STARTS PLAYING LOUDER THAN SMOOTH OPERATOR.
BERNADETTE: Whats this?
HOWARD: It’s from my workout mix. It’s what I listen too, when I’m firming up my glutes.
[SFX] NEIL CRYING HOWARD SHUTS OFF HIS MUSIC, SMOOTH OPERATOR AND NEIL’S CRYING CAN STILL BE HEARD IN THE BACKGROUND, THROUGH THE END OF THE SCENE.
BERNADETTE: Can you get him?
HOWARD GETS OUT OF BED, STARTS WALKING TOWARD THE DOOR
BERNADETTE: Hey, Howard.
BERNADETTE: It looks like you can crack a walnut, in those glutes.
HOWARD STOPS AT THE DOOR, LOOKING DISAPPOINTED.
HOWARD: I can’t, I tried.
HOWARD OPENS THE DOOR AND LEAVES
CUT TO BERNADETTE, GIGGLING.
ATOM CUT TO
PENNY REACHES INTO THE FRIDGE, PULLS OUT A BOTTLE OF KETCHUP. [SFX] SOUND OF DOOR OPENING. PENNY LOOKS UP
CUT TO LEONARD COMING IN DOOR.
LEONARD CLOSES THE DOOR
PENNY: I made you dinner.
PENNY: Your favorite: In and Out Burger out of the wrapper on a plate.
PENNY DISPLAYS THE PLATE. PENNY SMILES, LEONARD UNLOADS HIS MESSENGER BAG.
LEONARD: Thank you, but you don’t have to do this, I’m fine.
PENNY: I-I know it’s not a baby, but it does leak, when you pick it up.
LEONARD (distressed): Really? We’re joking about this now.
LEONARD WALKS TOWARD PENNY.
PENNY: No, look, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to just drop all of this on you.
LEONARD: I-i-it just took me by surprise. I-I always imagined having kids.
PENNY: I know you did.
LEONARD: But, I’ve imagined having a lot of things, that I’m never gonna get: a Nobel Prize, a working Batmobile. But, I also have a lot that I never thought I’d have……
LEONARD TAKES PENNY’S HAND.
LEONARD: ……Like you.
PENNY: Are you sure that’s enough?
PENNY: You’re really okay with this?
LEONARD: I am.
[SFX] PENNY’S PHONE RINGS. PENNY LOOKS AT THE SCREEN, PICKS IT UP AND ANSWERS IT.
PENNY: Hey, Daddy.
WYATT (sounding mad): What’s this Leonard says about you not wanting to give me grandbabies?
PENNY LOOKS ANGRILY AT LEONARD.
LEONARD: He might feel differently, bye.
LEONARD PICKS UP BURGER, TURNS AND LEAVES. PENNY ROLLS HER EYES.
ATOM CUT TO
BOTH TAKE THEIR DRINKS FROM THE BAR AND START WALKING TOWARD A TABLE.
ANU: I told my parent our first date went well, and they got very excited.
RAJ: Ah, tell me about it. My parents were so thrilled, they actually spoke to each other.
BOTH SIT AT THE TABLE.
ANU: (short laugh)
RAJ: So that was a disaster. Cheers.
BOTH RAISE AND CLINK THEIR GLASSES.
ANU: Okay. I guess if we’re going forward, with this wedding, we should talk about the next step.
RAJ: Oh, like themes and flowers?
ANU: Actually, finances and taxes.
RAJ: Oh, we can’t use that, that was the theme of my parents divorce.
ANU: I know that money can be a source of friction in a new marriage, and I wanted to avoid that.
RAJ (uncomfortable): Of course, yeah, right, that’s s-smart.
ANU: So, my accountant feels strongly that we should file separately, the first year. And then we can re-evaluate, based on our joint assets.
RAJ LOOKS UNCERTAIN AND UNCOMFORTABLE.
ANU: You okay?
RAJ: No, I can’t do this.
ANU: Why not?
RAJ: Th-there’s something you may not know about me, ‘cause, you know, we’ve only met once, but…… I’m a hopeless romantic.
ANU DOES A DEEP SIGH.
RAJ: And, you seem great, and I do want to get married. I-I do want to settle down, but this isn’t the story that I want to tell my grandkids.
ANU: I understand.
RAJ: I’m so sorry, if I wasted your time.
RAJ STANDS, STARTS TO LEAVE.
RAJ TURNS AND FACES ANU.
ANU: I know we don’t know each other very well, but you seem like you would make a good father. And, you’re tall enough that I can wear heels, and I think that’s something worth fighting for.
ANU TAKES RAJ’S HAND, AND THEN GETS DOWN ON ONE KNEE.
ANU: Will you marry me?
RAJ: oh-oh-oh Oh my God, oh, my God. Yes, of course, of course, I’ll marry you.
ANU STANDS AND THEY HUG. THE PEOPLE IN THE BAR ARE CLAPPING
THEY BREAK THE HUG, BUT ARE STILL HOLDING HANDS.
ANU: If you’d like to kiss me, you can.
RAJ STARTS MOVING IN TO KISS ANU, SHE STOPS HIM
ANU: I should warn you I have a tongue piercing.
RAJ: Oh, you’re not that nice.
THEY BOTH LAUGH, THEN KISS.
END ACT 2
ATOM CUT TO
EXTERIOR, CITY STREET
BOTH ARE WALKING DOWN THE STREET.
LEONARD: Are you going to tell me where we’re going? Because if it has the words “farmer’s” or “market” in it, I don’t want to go.
PENNY: You were talking about all the things you thought you would never have, so, I thought I would get you one.
PENNY IS PLAYING WITH SOMETHING IN HER HAND, THEY BOTH TURN THE CORNER, AND PENNY HOLDS UP A KEY RING, WITH A BATMAN SYMBOL ON IT.
CUT TO LONG SHOT OF BATMOBILE, WITH PENNY AND LEONARD IN THE BACKGROUND. 2 BEATS, THEN CUT TO CLOSE UP OF PENNY AND LEONARD.
LEONARD: Oh, my God. You bought me the Batmobile?
LEONARD RUNS UP TO THE PASSENGER SIDE OF THE BATMOBILE, PENNY FOLLOWS.
PENNY: No, no. No, no, no, no, no. I rented you the Batmobile, for the day.
LEONARD: This is amazing, thank you.
LEONARD KISSES PENNY, TAKES THE KEYS, AND RUNS TO THE DRIVERS SIDE.
PENNY: B-Be careful, I-I did not get the insurance.
LEONARD GETS IN THE VEHICLE, STARTS IT [SFX] THE ENGINE REVING.
CUT TO PENNY SMILING.
CUT TO LEONARD DRIVING OFF
CUT TO PENNY SHRUGGING, AND LOOKING FRUSTRATED AND DISAPPOINTED.
CUT TO LEONARD BACKING UP, TO PENNY.
LEONARD (smiling) Come on, Robin.
PENNY, SMILING, RUNS TO THE PASSENGER SIDE AND GETS IN.
CUT TO FLAMES COMING OUT OF THE REAR OF THE CAR, TIRES SPINNING, WITH THE BATMAN THEME SONG.
CAR DRIVES OFF.
RUN END CREDITS