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Tonstar17

Best Jokes You Know

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Though I start a jokes thread as I can't find one on here. So I guess I go first.

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a

supermarket when they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm

Looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to

where I was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking

for my wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches

tall,

With blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is

wearing tiny

Little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

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Not everyone likes blonde jokes, but here's mine. It's short and sweet:

 

Two blondes walk into a building. You'd think that one of them would have seen it.

 

:)

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Lol.

A man walks into a butcher's shop

he says " have you got a sheeps head?"

The butcher says " No. That's just the way I brush my hair."

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I was going to tell a feminist joke but my husband wouldn't let me.

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A blonde & a brunette are walking down the street. The brunette says "look, there's a dead bird". Blonde looks up & says "where"

OK that's it. No more blonde jokes.

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I'm selling my vacuum cleaner on EBay, well, it was just collecting dust.

What do you call someone with no body and no nose?

Nobody knows.

Edited by ATOB
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Hahahahaha. ATOB. 2 for the prize of one. Best jokes so far. ☺

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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I’m not a very competitive person… I’m always the first to say it.

My fairy Godmother once asked me if I’d rather have a long penis or a long memory. I forgot what my answer was.

My wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we’ll see about that.

tagatef.jpg

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A husband and wife are trying to set up a new password for their computer. The husband puts, "Mypenis," and the wife falls on the ground laughing because on the screen it says, "Error. Not long enough."

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I was asked for a password with eight characters so I used 'Snow White and the seven dwarves'.


Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Edited by ATOB
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I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records. He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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Now move it down to your email icon the little envelope. What do you mean what does it look like! It looks like a fucking envelope.

Note to self: If someone invites you to a fireworks party and ask you to bring bangers & a rocket, don't turn up with sausage and peppery lettuce.

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Edited by Tonstar17
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Loo-ee-ville or Loo-ah-ville. How do you pronounce the Capital of Kentucky?

Frankfort.

(Loved all these jokes. Made my morning!)

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French Police have issued a warning that no one should approach the Tiger roaming around Paris at present.

That's just as well as the urge to approach a Tiger in the street must be fucking overwhelming.

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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

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A wife is like a hand grenade.

Remove the ring, and your house is gone.

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I got dropped from the golden shower team earlier.

Apparently,due to a piss poor performance.

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I used this one in my fan fic, but anyho.....

What do a Catholic Priest and the Higgs Boson have in common?

You can't have mass without them.

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=rtxbM7-jAD0

Edited by ATOB
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Man's greed will destroy the world." said the Pope earlier.

Says the man who lives in a palace

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The UK's first 'poo powered' bus has been involved in an accident in Bristol earlier today.

The bus left the road and plummeted into the river Avon - luckily it was a floater.

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