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Best Jokes You Know


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Though I start a jokes thread as I can't find one on here. So I guess I go first.

Two blokes are pushing their shopping trolleys around a

supermarket when they collide.

The first bloke says to the second bloke, "Sorry about that. I'm

Looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to

where I was going".

The second bloke says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking

for my wife, too.

I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate".

The first bloke says, "Well, maybe we can help each other.

What does your wife look like"?

The second bloke says, "Well, she is 27 yrs old, 5 feet 11 inches


With blonde hair, blue eyes, big jubblies, long legs and is

wearing tiny

Little shorts and a crop top. What does your wife look like"?

The first bloke says, "Doesn't matter --- let's look for yours."

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up.

I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

I’m not a very competitive person… I’m always the first to say it.

My fairy Godmother once asked me if I’d rather have a long penis or a long memory. I forgot what my answer was.

My wife and I have a beautiful little girl who we named after my mom. In fact, Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 5 tomorrow.

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we’ll see about that.


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I was wondering why a Frisbee appears larger, the closer it gets… and then it hit me.

What is the difference between ignorance and apathy? I don’t know, and I don’t care.

I couldn't quite remember how to throw a boomerang, but eventually it came back to me.

My neighbor's in the guinness book of records. He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese and there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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Now move it down to your email icon the little envelope. What do you mean what does it look like! It looks like a fucking envelope.

Note to self: If someone invites you to a fireworks party and ask you to bring bangers & a rocket, don't turn up with sausage and peppery lettuce.

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

Edited by Tonstar17
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A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet.

Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"


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