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Best Jokes You Know

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Two cows in a field. One goes "moooooo", the other says "OMG! I was just about to say that!"

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I was shocked today when I failed my psychic exam.

I didn't see that coming.

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I was shocked today when I failed my psychic exam.

I didn't see that coming.

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

 

post-9820-0-21104200-1416858522_thumb.jp

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Hey, it's not easy to come up with a good joke. Oh the pressure. Lol

Social Media is a lot like being married. You can express your opinion on anything you want but you will quickly be informed as to why you are wrong.

Edit: yeah shit. ☺

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Edited by Tonstar17
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I don't have a joke in particular, but funniest thing I heard was from  one of my kids in kindergarten. I told kids to draw picture of their family and when I saw one girl drew her father with big green hair  I asked "Why did you drew green hair to your daddy?" She looked at me with this big sad puppy eyes saying "I couldn't find bald crayon..."

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A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says, "Fuck off, you won't bring it back."

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I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole-destroying.

Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.

The first one says: "Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow".

The second one says: "Ha! You think that's fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet".

The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says: "You two know nothing about fast. My father is a civil servant. He stops working at 4:30 and he is home by3:45"!!

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Edited by Tonstar17
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Bernie, Penny and Amy are comparing their significant others to birds (as you do)...

"My Howie sings like a nightingale." Brags Bernie.

"Well, my Leonard is as wise as an owl." Parries Penny.

"Sheldon's like a thrush." Amy states glumly.

"How so?" Her friends chorus.

"Because," Amy explains, "he's an irritating c**t!"

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=bcYppAs6ZdI

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No, I thought I'd balance my goods on my head, yes I'd like a fucking bag.

They've just brought out non-alcoholic Cider...

Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's Apple Juice!

News reader- "Melted snow could freeze and turn to ice"

Looks like someone has a degree in chemistry

Just seen a news presenter asking an astronomer where is the best place to look to see tonight’s meteor shower..

'Up' surely?

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Edited by Tonstar17
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Some of my favorites are from "Blue Collar Comedy" comedian Bill Engvall and his "here's your sign" bits. For those who don't know, Engvall hates stupid people; he thinks they should be required to wear signs that say "I'm Stupid." That way, we wouldn't rely on them. With that...

 

I was driving home on the freeway and got stopped behind a big rig that had wedged its trailer underneath an overpass. I was on the side of the road, talking to the the trucker, when a highway patrolman pulls up. He gets out, looks at the trucker, looks at the truck, and I say to myself, "He can't say it"... but he's got that look. Sure enough, he turns to the trucker and says, "Did you get your truck stuck?" And God bless this trucker, without missing a beat he says, "No, sir, I was delivering that overpass and I ran out of gas." (Here's your sign!)

 

I just bought a new car, and I was stopped at a red light, when another car pulls beside me. The driver rolls down his window and says, "Did you buy a new car?" I said, "Nope, bought new tires, car came with it." (Here's your sign!)

 

This one proves that no one is immune, not even me. I came out of a shopping center and I saw a guy standing next to a car with a coat hanger in his window... and I could not stop myself. I said, "Lock your keys in your car?" (smacks forehead) The guy says, "Nope, just washed it, gonna hang it up to dry." (Here's my sign!)

 

This one was from fellow Blue Collar comedian Ron White:

 

I was putting my son on a flight to visit his grandmother, 30 minute flight. The woman at the gate asks me, "Is there gonna be someone there to pick him up when he gets off the plane?" I said, "Naw, I'm just gonna pin a $20 bill to his collar and wish him the best of luck." (Here's your sign!)

 

And this one was from Jeff Foxworthy:

 

We've got one of those stand-up pianos, and one day I was having my house painted, drop cloths everywhere. One of the guys says to me, "Is that y'all's piano?" I said, "No, that's our coffee table, it's just got buck teeth." (Here's your sign!)

 

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I love this time of year.(Christmas). You can slam your laptop shut when your girlfriend walks into the room and you don't get any disgusted looks.

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Edited by Tonstar17
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Again I have no joke, but I have to ask....ATOB, how did you find out where I live?

(Whispers) "I'm Santa"!

Shhh, tell no-one (and start being good please Mike, you've only got 25 days to turn it around).

Anyhooooos.....

What's brown & sticky?

A stick.

What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung.

I bought some shoes off a drug dealer. Don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.

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I walked into a pub last night and said to the barman, "I'll have a pint of Guinness."

My date immediately looked at me and said, "Aren't you forgetting something?" 

"Of course, how rude of me." I said, "I'll have a pint of Guinness PLEASE."

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I think my eyesight is getting worse. I keep walking into pubs.

Edited by Tonstar17
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What are brass and sound like Tom Jones?

 

Trombones.

 

 

 

How many Freudian Analysts does it take to screw in a light bulb?  Two, one to screw in the bulb, the other to hold the peni...ladder, LADDER!

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I walked into a hairdresser today the guy said "can I help you sir". I said " I am after a shortcut" then I walked through the shop & went out the fire exit.

Woman says to husband "you only ever want sex when you are pissed"

Husband replies " that's not true, sometimes I want a kebab.

Edited by Tonstar17
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Just got back from the world erection championships..... I made it through to the semi's.

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Edited by Tonstar17
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This was on Ferguson last night.

How do you find Will Smith in the snow...

Just look for the Fresh Prints.

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One from my friend today... "You know, I always wanted to fulfill one fantasy from 50 shades of Grey..., " "Really, which one? " "That one where she finish study and gets job right away..."

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This just happened while my wife and I were cleaning up after dinner.  She had browned Italian sausage and then put it in the sauce.  She asked if the I liked it and I told her "I love Italian sausage, it the best."  She said, "No, German sausages are the best."  I simply said, "German sausages are wurst."   She gave me a bada boom, ting.

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