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A man is in a bar and falling off his stool every couple of minutes. He is obviously drunk. So the bartender says to another man in the bar: "Why don't you be a good Samaritan and take him home."

The man takes the drunk out the door and to his car and he stumbles at least ten times. They drive along and the drunk points out his house to the man. He stops the car and the drunk stumbles up the steps to his house with the man.

The drunk's wife greets them at the door: "Why thank you for bringing him home for me, but where's his wheel chair?"

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The after show carry out for the X Factor has been sorted. Simon Cowell has a bottle of vodka in his bag, Tulisa said she can supply the coke.

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Don't exagerrate, I told you that million times!

Let's make fun of CSI Miami a little.

M.E.: Mr Cane, there are traces of semen in victim's mouth.

Horatio Cane: The truth is always... (puts on the sunglasses) hard to swallow.

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Let's make fun of CSI Miami a little.

M.E.: Mr Cane, there are traces of semen in victim's mouth.

Horatio Cane: The truth is always... (puts on the sunglasses) hard to swallow.

 

YEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

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Eric Delko: Mr. Cane, we found a condom next to the victim's body.

Horatio Cane: A used one?

Eric Delko: No.

Horatio Cane: Well, it looks like our victim... (puts the sunglasses on) didn't give a f*ck.

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I went to the garden centre today and bought a Christmas Tree. The assistant asked me, "Will you be putting that up yourself?"

I replied, "No, you sick fuck. I'll be putting it up in my living room."

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do regular dogs see police dogs and think "shit its the cops"

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Edited by Tonstar17

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 As long as we are talking about dogs....why do we call them Service Dogs if we can't teach them to mix cocktails?

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According to physics, nothing ever quite touches. When you lay your hand on something, there is a microscopic amount of space between the atoms of your hand and whatever you're touching. 

So no, officer, technically I'm not jacking off right now.

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A woman goes to see her Doctor.

Doctor: "Hello there, what seems to be the trouble?"

Woman: "Well Doctor, every time I move my knee, it makes a noise like a musical instrument"

Doctor: "How strange - can you show me?"

Woman gets up, flexes her leg - "Prrrrrppp"

Doctor: "Fascinating - try the other leg, now"

Woman flexes the other leg - "Prrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaarrrrrrrpppppppppppp"

Doctor: "Hmmm - it seems you are suffering from a deep vein trombonist"

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Just saw this Physics joke on twitter, from Phil Plait, The Bad Astronomer: A quantum wavefront walks into a bar. It says to the bartender, "Man, I've been *everywhere* today!" and collapses.

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My girlfriend is always stealing my t-shirts and sweaters...

But if I take one of her dresses, suddenly "we need to talk".

I slipped some rohypnol into my girlfriend's drink last night.

It was the best six hours of my life. I finally got to play my PS4 without being interrupted

Edited by Tonstar17
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At a recent job interview:

What would you consider to be your main weaknesses and strengths?

Well my main weakness would be my issues with reality, telling what's real from what's not.

And your strengths?

I'm Batman.

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I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!"

I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

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"Where do you want this big roll of bubble wrap?" I asked my boss.

"Just pop it in the corner," he said.

It took me three hours.

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I just can't seem to get a girlfriend even though I can speak two languages fluently.

English and Klingon.

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A Neutron walks into a bar, and asked how much for a drink. Barman replys "No Charge".

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My mate just threw a piece of cheese at me,

Real mature

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BBC News: Dogs Trained to Detect Prostate Cancer.

"Why the fuck are you on all fours, with the dog licking peanut butter out of your arsehole?" Screamed my girlfriend.

"It's not what it looks like" I said, "he's checking for prostate cancer."

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10 Rejection Lines Given By Women

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)

6. I've got a boyfriend (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).

5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)

2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)

1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing.)

10 Rejection Lines Given By Men

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)

9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)

8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)

7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)

6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)

5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)

4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)

3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)

2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)

1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

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I finally convinced my mother that it was a good idea for her to learn to text. Her first message to me? "Whereisthespacebar?"

Q: How many tech-support folks does it take to change a light-bulb?

A: We have a light-bulb here, and it works fine. Can you tell me what kind of bulb you have? OK. There could be four or five things wrong. Now, have you turned the light switch off and on?

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Edited by Tonstar17
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A schoolboy brought his teacher a box of raisins every day for the whole school year. The teacher assumed that the boy lived at some kind of farm or that his father worked at a raisin factory, and she happily ate them at break time whilst the children played outside.

Later on in the year though, for a few days, the boy didn’t bring his teacher a box of raisins. The teacher asked the boy ‘Why don’t you bring me those little boxes of raisins anymore?’

The boy simply looked up at her and said ‘My pet rabbit died, Miss’.

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A schoolboy brought his teacher a box of raisins every day for the whole school year. The teacher assumed that the boy lived at some kind of farm or that his father worked at a raisin factory, and she happily ate them at break time whilst the children played outside.

Later on in the year though, for a few days, the boy didn’t bring his teacher a box of raisins. The teacher asked the boy ‘Why don’t you bring me those little boxes of raisins anymore?’

The boy simply looked up at her and said ‘My pet rabbit died, Miss’.

Ewwww. Gross... lol

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I've got a part in a play about cocaine addicts in rehab.

I don't have any lines though.

Just bought a blindfold.. Can't see myself wearing it though..

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Edited by Tonstar17
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How many teachers does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Two; one to call the janitor and one to blame the kids.

 

 

How many old people does it take to change a light bulb?

 

Two; one to change the light bulb and one to tell you how much better the old light bulb was.

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