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Tonstar17

Best Jokes You Know

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Our 'Welcome' mat is missing its 'L'.

Normally I wouldn't care, but the neighbours are slagging us off for bragging.

There's a sign at the local pub that says 'Watch Football Live Here'

So how come after a match I get kicked out when I bring down my blanket and mattress

Edited by Tonstar17
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I can't believe I've failed my maths GCSE for the 12th time now.

Oh well, third time lucky.

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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BBC News "Collider produces 'mini-Big Bang"...

So just a bang then.

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When I was in high school, I used to tell a lot of 'Your mom' jokes. Does that count? 

 

lol.

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When I was in high school, I used to tell a lot of 'Your mom' jokes. Does that count?

lol.

Yeah. Go for it. ;)

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I've just discovered the quickest way to call a family meeting.

I turned off the WiFi router and simply waited in the room where it's located.

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It must have been awful for Erwin Schrodinger, in not knowing if there was an RSPCA inspector at his front door until he opened it

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My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with double negatives.

Guess she ain't never coming back.

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I like math jokes so:

Why do mathematicians get confused between Halloween and Christmas?

Cause DEC 25 = OCT 31

Lol!

Proof: 8^0x1+8^1x3=25

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What's the difference between an accountant and Gary Barlow?

 

An accountant knows he's boring.

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Do the Kardashians now have to buy Bruce Jenner a gift on both Mothers Day and Fathers Day? Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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I visited a mate in hospital who'd been viciously beaten up in the pub a few nights earlier. "What happened?" I asked. "It was just after you left," he explained. "Some bastard told that group of rugby players that I'd been calling them wankers and they all piled into me." "Shit. Why would someone tell them that?" I said, shaking my head. "Beats me," he replied. "Anyway, thanks for coming to visit. I was worried you might be still be mad at me for chatting up that girl you'd spent all evening trying to get off with." Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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Apparently today is international reggae day. I'm dreading it. :) Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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What's a foot long and slippery?

 

A slipper.

 

5/4 of all Americans don't understand fractions.

 

 A man went on a trip and asked his brother to watch his cat. He called the next day to ask about it. His brother told him that the cat was hit by a car and killed.

"That was a horrible way to find out about Fluffy's death. You should have cushioned the blow by saying 'Fluffy's on the roof and won't come down'. Then the next day say that he doesn't look too good and you're taking him to the Vet. Then the next day you could say that they did everything they could for him but he passed away peacefully."

The brother apologizes profusley.

The saddened ex-cat owner accepts his brothers apology, then asks another question. "So anyway, how's Mom doing?"

"She's up on the roof and won't come down."

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"I saw some suspicious activity at the local university this morning," my dad said.

"Drug dealing?" I asked.

He said, "No, students studying." Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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A web-developer tried his hand at mathematics and ended up proving that sine and logarithmic functions are the same. The logic? Sign out equals log out. Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down. Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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Two atoms are walking along. One of them says: “Oh, no, I think I lost an electron.” “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive.” Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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