Tonstar17

Best Jokes You Know

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Two American soldiers find a dead animal. They are both city boys and can't agree on what it is, a pony, a mule, or what. They finally decide it's an ass and get their spades out to bury it. A lady officer comes along. They stop what they're doing, stand up straight, and salute. 

She asks, 'What are you digging, boys, a foxhole ?'

They answer, 'No.'

Edited by joyceraye

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A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my back hurts, and even my head hurts!"  The doctor asks, "Were you ever a blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!" 



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Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
 
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
 
Doctor: “Every two hours.”



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A man walks into a bar ....ouch

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How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels.


What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker




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When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

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Brian, when I told you to serve Mulled Wine to the neighbours, with no cloves .............

Put your pants on son.

-------------------------------------------------

Well then, that's the Turkey dinner finished, now it's time for the nutty fruitcake, soaked in booze.

Come on down Granny.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”



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I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands. 

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack. 

Now it's "Donald! Duck!" 



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My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.



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Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?



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Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
 
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."



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Biology A Level Exam.

Question 1.

To keep them cool, the Testicles of the male Homo Sapien are on the outside.

Should he put them back in his trousers?

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A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”



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A snowman sniffs, “Hm, funny, I smell carrots…”



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A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”



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I can't believe it, 7 weeks until Pancake Day and the shops are already selling flour and eggs !

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I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.

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