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Tonstar17

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A thief broke into my house last nite.. He started searching for money so I woke up and search with him.


I'm writing my new fanfic.
So far I've got the page numbers done.



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I would ask the drummer to play it again but I'm afraid of the repercussions.

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Sometimes i wake up grumpy
Other times I let her sleep.


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Local booza......

Me: What's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: Okay, I'll have a Brandy.

Barman: Is double okay?

Me: Sure. How much is that?

Barman: £7.50.

Me: Cheers! There you go. So what's the wifi password?

Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.

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A farmer is before the Magistrate, charged with shooting a Swan.

He explains that yes, he did shoot it, but it was an accident. He was shooting Grouse, and the Swan flew in front of his gun and got shot in error.

The Magistrate asks him what became of the dead Swan, to which the farmer replies that, rather than waste it, he cooked it and ate it.

The Magistrate ask what it tasted like?

The farmer replies, "A bit like Golden Eagle".

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A bit of advice anyone please?

I have a mole on my penis.

How much trouble will I be in, with the RSPCA?

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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When I was young we thought oral sex was merely talking about it

I’m not miserable.
I was once sacked from my job because I was always laughing!
Mind you.....I was employed to drive a hearse.

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I hate people who take drugs.
Customs and policemen.

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I wasn't that drunk yesterday." "Oh boy you took the shower head in your arms and told it to stop crying."



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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”



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During WW2, Waddingtons sent Monopoly sets to POW camps in Germany.

The sets contained items to help the prisoners escape, such as tiny compasses, maps and German money.

They should have included a Get Out Of Colditz Free card.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Interesting fact of the day, a steak and kidney pie in Barbados will cost you £2.50 and a mince and onion pie will cost you £3.00 in St Lucia..

Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

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A World Cup joke.

The Germans have finally reached Moscow.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Geography A level exam.

Question 1.

Corwall has no Capital. False or Truro?

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Give a man a fish, and he will feed himself for a day.

Teach him to fish, and the EU will pay him not to.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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I'm a sadistic necrophiliac, with tendencies toward bestiality.

Is there a future in it, or am I just flogging a dead horse?

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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A teenage lad asked his father why condoms are sold in different size packets.

His father explained:-

"The pack of three is for when you are single, and picking up girls at the weekend. One condom for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday."

"The pack of six is for when you have a regular girlfriend. Two condoms for Friday, two for Saturday, and two for Sunday."

The lad thinks for a moment, then asks "what about the pack of twelve?"

"That", his father explains, "is for when you are married. One for January, one for February .............................."

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I asked the Mrs if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least  eights or nines.

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I’ve been hiding from exercise.  I’m in the Fitness Protection
Program.

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17 hours ago, Tonstar17 said:

I asked the Mrs if I was the only one she's been with.
She said, "Yes, the others were at least  eights or nines. emoji38.png

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Now that's funny!

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