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Why don't scientist trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.

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They've just released the sequel to La-La Land.

It's called Po-Land.

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The following movie contains scenes of a cup of tea.

It's rated PG.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”

The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow you …”

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Why do we tell actors to “break a leg?”

Because every play has a cast.

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My pal took Ryanair to court for losing his luggage,

He lost his case!

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A woman walks into a bus with her boy and the bus driver asks "what's that for an ugly bird?". Than the woman walks further and an old man asks her why she is so sad. The woman answers "the bus driver annoyed me." old men: then go back to the bus driver, in the meantime i hold your ape. "

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Told the guys in the office that if anyone speaks to me or anyone in IT dept with any disrespectful tones, I’ll give them a black eye!58a3c36f4cb26b10ae9570f8a820f6d4.jpg

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IN RESPONSE TO ALL RECENT E-MAILS ABOUT OUR DOG​:

PLEASE BE ADVISED, WE ARE SICK AND TIRED OF ANSWERING QUESTIONS ABOUT HIM.

YES, HE BIT TWO PEOPLE WEARING BURKAS,

TWELVE PEOPLE WEARING LIVERPOOL FOOTBALL T-SHIRTS,

TWO CAR DRIVERS WITH DRAKE BLARING FROM THEIR VEHICLES,

FOUR JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES,

TWO MORMONS,

SIX TEENAGERS,

TWO TRAFFIC WARDENS,

SEVEN POLICE MAN,

BUT, FOR THE LAST TIME. . .

THIS DOG IS NOT FOR SALE!

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I went to the chemist and asked for some viagra,the chemist said"have you got a prescription?"I said"no,but I have got a photograph of the wife"

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My girlfriend said to buy something that would make her look sexy.

Apparently a 12 pack of lager wasn't what she had in mind.

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For her birthday, she said she'd like something from the Body Shop.

I got her a wing for a Ford Fiesta, but she wasn't impressed.

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Anyone else see the report in today's papers, about the hospital staff who adopted a stray cat, and let it wander the wards?

I blame the doctors, for ordering all the cat scans. 😁 

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Relationships are like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your ex, and wondered why?

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If you think nobody cares that you're alive, try missing a couple of credit card payments.

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I've changed my password to incorrect.

That way, if I forget my password, my computer will say "Your password is incorrect".

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