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Tonstar17

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6 hours ago, Tonstar17 said:

Who else's heart skips for a split second when your girlfriend asks to use your computer? emoji16.png

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 I don't know how I into "quote" format" but I'm willing to bet the other person who's  heart  skips a beat is the other girlfriend hiding in the closest.

 

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A boy comes home from school and goes to have dinner with his family.

"What did you learn today?" his father asks him.

"We had civics." the boy replies. "But I don't quite understand the concept of society yet."

"That's totally easy." his dad tells him. "Let me give you an example."

"Okay."

"So, I'm the money earner in the family, so I am the capital. Your mother takes the money and spends it, she's the government. My dad, your grandfather, who's living with us, he makes sure everything runs fine so he's the unions. Our maid, Charlotte, she's the workforce. You, my boy, are the people. And your little brother, who's still in diapers, he's the future. You got it?"

"I think so but I better sleep on it and see if I still have it tomorrow."

So the boy goes to bed. In the middle of the night, he wakes up because his little brother is crying. He goes to the room and smells the reason for it, his brother needs a diaper change. He goes into his parent's bedroom and finds his mother sleeping soundly. He tries calling her, shaking her awake but she simply turns and keeps sleeping. He shakes his head and goes to the maid's room, only to find his father busy with her while his grandfather stands outside the window, watching the action. Disgusted, he returns to bed and uses earplugs to get some sleep. In the morning, he joins his family at the breakfast table.

"So, son, did you still get what society is?" his father asks him.

"I think so." the boy nods. "The capital misuses the workforce while the unions watch and the government sleeps. The people are ignored and the future is full of crap."

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Woman sees a parrot for sale at bargain price and asks "Why so cheap?" The pet shop explains it formerly lived in a brothel but it's highly intelligent and very vocal.
Not bothered, she buys it and takes it home.
Upon arrival Parrot looks around and says
"New place.....Very nice!"
Her daughter comes home, Parrot looks her up and down and says
"New girl....Very nice!"
Her husband comes home, Parrot looks him up and down and says
"Hello Keith!"

Sent from my SM-N960F using Tapatalk

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Last night, during our Christmas party, our esteemed colleague Henry Adams drowned in a barrel of whisky.

Several people tried to help him but he stubbornly resisted the attempts.

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 Last week I got my flu shot, well it worked. I now have the flu !

 TRUE STORY !!! Funny (maybe) but true.

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And God told Mosses what the 10 Commandments were.

Mosses said he had a bad memory, and probably wouldn't be able to remember them all.

So God told Mosses to keep taking the tablets.

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On 10/26/2018 at 11:50 PM, Stephen Hawking said:

My company had a visit from a MSG salesman today.

I didn't buy anything, because I didn't like his accent.

 

17 minutes ago, Stephen Hawking said:

And God told Mosses what the 10 Commandments were.

Mosses said he had a bad memory, and probably wouldn't be able to remember them all.

So God told Mosses to keep taking the tablets.

I don't get any of them...

---------

Son: "Dad, remember when you told me to put a potato into my bathing shorts to impress the girls?"

Dad: "Yeah, son."

Son: "You should have told me to put it into the front..."

Edited by son-goku5
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I read somewhere that, in the 1970s, 75% of women lost their virginity in a car.

They should've been more careful with the gear lever, when getting in.

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Husband: "We won money in the lottery, what should we do with it?"

Wife: "Actually, I'd like to take half of it and get a divorce."

Husband: "We won 30 bucks. Here's your 15, now get out."

 

Reminder: When you're at a funeral, don't throw the flowers behind you to see who catches them.

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7 hours ago, Stephen Hawking said:

My mate's Chihuahua has just fathered some puppies, with next door's Great Dane.

My mate is wondering who put him up to it.

 I have 2 Chihuahuas, and I know for a fact that they are very good jumpers ! 

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A couple are lying in bed, when the wife pulls back the covers and asks "What would you like to do with this body?"

Her husband looks her up and down, and replies "Identify it."

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I ran out of toilet paper the other day, but I had a full pack of Flash Wipes, so I used one of them.

It stung a bit, and it was quite lemony, but it worked really well.

It was the cleanest I've ever felt, which is understandable, because the advert does say they're for stubborn rings.

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I asked my daughter to pass me the phone book, and she handed me her mobile phone, saying, "dad you're so old!"
Anyway, to cut a long story short, spider dead, phone smashed, daughter distraught!


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Chuck Norris gave the Earth a roundhouse kick. It's still spinning.

Chuck Norris has counted to infinity... twice.

Chuck Norris has a Grizzly Bear carpet. The Bear is still alive, it just doesn't dare to move.

Why was Jesus nailed to the cross? Nobody walks across water when Chuck Norris is fishing.

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King. And got it!

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