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My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.
I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday…



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Posted (edited)

A girlfriend and boyfriend lying in bed cuddling:

GF: “Am I your dream woman?”

BF: “You are much more than that…”

GF: “How much more?”

BF: “About 40 pounds.“

Edited by son-goku5
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My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, "No, wait! I can change."

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I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, "Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?"

I said, "What are the options?"

She said, "Yes and No."


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A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He had sex with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a waste of time, effort, training and money.

A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant vet.

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My ex-girlfriend still misses me. But her aim is steadily improving.

 

If you spend your day in a well, could you say that your day was well-spent?

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I was going to ask God for a bike,
but I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

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The doctor said if I have this vasectomy, I wouldn’t have any kids, but I got home and their still fucking here wtf....

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Posted (edited)

Q: What do Lib Dems and porn stars have in common?
A: They are both experts at switching positions in front of a camera.

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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I had just been watching a video entitled: 'Hot Girl's when it crashed and asked if I would like to send an error report...No Windows... No I fucking don't

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I was choosing a new password for my PC, and, for a laugh, I chose "mypenis", but Windows said it was too short. :sad:

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I told my butcher
"I bet you can't reach those sirloins on the top shelf."
He declined and said
"No, the steaks are too high."

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The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick. She still isn't talking to me.



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My boss told me to have a good day.. so I went home.



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Posted (edited)

Predict the next number in this sequence:-

1966 - 

------------------------------------------------------------------------

I've just ordered a copy of the Bible, from Amazon.

Underneath, it said "People who enjoyed this book, also enjoyed the Quran and the Torah."

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life". John came fifth and won a toaster.





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On 6/8/2019 at 1:21 AM, Retired CreativeGenius said:

Has anyone tried using honey as a lubricant?

That joke has gone right over my head. :scratchhead:

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Thieves have broken into Battersea Dogs Home, and released all the animals.

Police are desperately searching for leads.

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I just wrote a book on reverse psychology. Do *not* read it!



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