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Best Jokes You Know

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Posted (edited)

Not a joke in the sense of most of those already posted, but rather an amusing (but true) story.

In the days and weeks after Doctor Johnson wrote his dictionary, he was visited by many people, offering their congratulations and thanks for his wonderful achievement.

He was also visited by a small group of respectable ladies from London, who thanked him for the effort he put into omitting all the unpleasant and inappropriate words from his dictionary.

In response, he thanked the ladies, for the effort they put into searching for them.

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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What do you call a sad coffee?
Depresso.

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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"



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I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with, but I've been tripping all day.



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A woman walks into a library and asked if they had any books about paranoia. The librarian says "They're right behind you!"



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Posted (edited)

Small Ads.

Male horse seeks female horse, for a stable relationship.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I tried Coco Chanel, but it tasted awful, so I've gone back to Horlicks.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Today at the bank, an old lady asked me to help check her balance. So I pushed her over.



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Posted (edited)

Jesus broke the bread. "My body" he said.

Then he spilled the wine. "My blood" he said.

Then he opened a jar of mayo. "OK LET ME STOP YOU THERE!", Thomas shouted.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Posted (edited)

Crime Report.

Police are searching for a chef, who has committed several breaches of the hygiene laws, and there is now a bounty on his head.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.



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Mary and Joseph arrived in Bethlehem, and were taken to the stable, where they were shown a wooden frame, filled with straw.

Joseph said "We asked to see the manager."

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I know a lot of jokes about unemployed people but none of them work.



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Liam and Noel Gallagher have pledged their alliance to the so called Islamic State, by going to Syria and forming a new band called OAISIS.

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I've just watched the uncut version of Scarface.

It was just called 'Face'.

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Posted (edited)

I used to tell people my car was nippy, but recently people have been telling me that's not politically correct, so now I have to say it's Japanese.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Me: Think I might get some beers
Her: what do you want beers for?
Me: to wash the fuckin car with.....
Her: twat.

What does she think I'm gonna do with em???


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