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Tonstar17

Best Jokes You Know

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I went to yoga this morning. I asked the instructor if she could teach me the splits. She asked how flexible I was? I told her i'm free on Tues & Thurs

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Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.







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I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
 
 
 An Investigator


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How do you organise a space party??
 
 
 You Planet
 


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"I got a new pet?"

"What kind?"

"A skunk."

"What? Where do you keep that?"

"In my bedroom."

"But what about the smell?"

"Well, the animal just has to get used to it."

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ive just seen a bloke outside trying to pull a cheetah….i thought to myself he’s trying pull a fast one

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Posted (edited)

I bought a slimming magazine from WH Smiths.

I didn't read it, I just wanted a giant bar of chocolate for a pound.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The vet told me my cat was in heat.

I didn't even know she was famous.

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I bought an Advent Calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Behind ever door, someone tells you to Fuck Off.

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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Tony Blair has written nine books.

Well, they do say there's one good book in everybody, so I'm keeping my fingers crossed for the tenth.

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I got a Migraine yesterday, and I didn't have any medication on hand, so I went on Twitter and asked for advice.

My favourite response was "two Paracetamol and a wank".

And you know what, it totally works. It sort of pushes the throbbing down a bit.

Anyway, thanks @bootsthechemist.

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Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead And now it goes to school with her between two bits of bread

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I tried out that new service my bank offers, where you send them a text, and they text back your balance.

I thought the LOL was a bit cruel.

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Posted (edited)

Astronomers have found a new planet, which is so far away that when we look at it, we're seeing things that happened years ago.

They've named it Dave.

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A man has died at the breakfast cereal factory, after he fell into a vat of Cheerios.

Tragically and ironically, he never got the chance to say goodbye to his family.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Posted (edited)

Homebase has just hired some former detainees from Guantanamo Bay.

They should feel right at home, wearing orange overalls, and being constantly asked questions they don't know the answer to.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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I don't have an old age face app...
I have a mirror.

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Met the crew of Apollo 11 once. Very down to earth.

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"Thuthie ith the only member of our family who doethn't lithp. Thuthie, thay tree."

"Tree."

"That'th the proof!"

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