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I went to yoga this morning. I asked the instructor if she could teach me the splits. She asked how flexible I was? I told her i'm free on Tues & Thurs [emoji6]

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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up. I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves. It’s hard to explain puns to kle

I don't have a joke in particular, but funniest thing I heard was from  one of my kids in kindergarten. I told kids to draw picture of their family and when I saw one girl drew her father with big gre

I was going to tell a feminist joke but my husband wouldn't let me.

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I bought a slimming magazine from WH Smiths.

I didn't read it, I just wanted a giant bar of chocolate for a pound.

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The vet told me my cat was in heat.

I didn't even know she was famous.

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I bought an Advent Calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Behind ever door, someone tells you to Fuck Off.

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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I got a Migraine yesterday, and I didn't have any medication on hand, so I went on Twitter and asked for advice.

My favourite response was "two Paracetamol and a wank".

And you know what, it totally works. It sort of pushes the throbbing down a bit.

Anyway, thanks @bootsthechemist.

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Astronomers have found a new planet, which is so far away that when we look at it, we're seeing things that happened years ago.

They've named it Dave.

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A man has died at the breakfast cereal factory, after he fell into a vat of Cheerios.

Tragically and ironically, he never got the chance to say goodbye to his family.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Homebase has just hired some former detainees from Guantanamo Bay.

They should feel right at home, wearing orange overalls, and being constantly asked questions they don't know the answer to.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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I don't have an old age face app...
I have a mirror. [emoji23][emoji23]

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Met the crew of Apollo 11 once. Very down to earth.

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