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Best Jokes You Know

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I went to yoga this morning. I asked the instructor if she could teach me the splits. She asked how flexible I was? I told her i'm free on Tues & Thurs

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Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.







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I ate a clock yesterday, it was very time consuming.

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?
 
 
 An Investigator


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How do you organise a space party??
 
 
 You Planet
 


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"I got a new pet?"

"What kind?"

"A skunk."

"What? Where do you keep that?"

"In my bedroom."

"But what about the smell?"

"Well, the animal just has to get used to it."

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ive just seen a bloke outside trying to pull a cheetah….i thought to myself he’s trying pull a fast one

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Posted (edited)

I bought a slimming magazine from WH Smiths.

I didn't read it, I just wanted a giant bar of chocolate for a pound.

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The vet told me my cat was in heat.

I didn't even know she was famous.

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I bought an Advent Calendar for Jehovah's Witnesses.

Behind ever door, someone tells you to Fuck Off.

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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I got a Migraine yesterday, and I didn't have any medication on hand, so I went on Twitter and asked for advice.

My favourite response was "two Paracetamol and a wank".

And you know what, it totally works. It sort of pushes the throbbing down a bit.

Anyway, thanks @bootsthechemist.

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Mary had a little lamb her father shot it dead And now it goes to school with her between two bits of bread

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Astronomers have found a new planet, which is so far away that when we look at it, we're seeing things that happened years ago.

They've named it Dave.

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A man has died at the breakfast cereal factory, after he fell into a vat of Cheerios.

Tragically and ironically, he never got the chance to say goodbye to his family.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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