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Best Jokes You Know


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Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He's never gonna give you Up. I hate Russian dolls. They're so full of themselves. It’s hard to explain puns to kle

I don't have a joke in particular, but funniest thing I heard was from  one of my kids in kindergarten. I told kids to draw picture of their family and when I saw one girl drew her father with big gre

I was going to tell a feminist joke but my husband wouldn't let me.

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Just been on a Diabetes awareness website, and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

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My wife left me, because I'm too insecure

No... wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox, and no one raises an eyebrow.

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A member of staff has been seriously injured at the Nestle factory, when a crate of chocolate bars fell more than 50 feet, and crushed him underneath.

He tried to attract attention, but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me", everyone cheered.

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

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I've just been filling in an application form, and it asked for an emergency contact number, so I've put 999.

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Thanks to auto-correct, one in five children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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My friend took his dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end.

It was a cat-ass-trophy.

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How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jam in.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Some news, about a criminal who has been impersonating Sting.

He's turned himself into the Police.

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I've just seen a movie, about a man who is outraged by the people observing Ramadan.

It's called Fast and Furious.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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A couple of jokes, based on things that have happened today, while I've been shopping.

 

I went into the Pharmacy to buy a container, to take a urine sample to the doctors next week.

They charged me 50p for it.

I really think they're taking the piss.

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I was waiting in the queue at the till, in Home Bargains, when a youngster in a pram looked at me and said "DADA".

Well I sometimes forget my keys, but I think I'd remember that.

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