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Tonstar17

Best Jokes You Know

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Just been on a Diabetes awareness website, and it asked me if I accept cookies.

Is that a trick question?

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My wife left me, because I'm too insecure

No... wait, she's back. She just went to make a cup of tea.

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Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox, and no one raises an eyebrow.

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A member of staff has been seriously injured at the Nestle factory, when a crate of chocolate bars fell more than 50 feet, and crushed him underneath.

He tried to attract attention, but every time he shouted "The Milky Bars are on me", everyone cheered.

Edited by Stephen Hawking

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6 hours ago, Stephen Hawking said:

About 9 weeks ago, my cat swallowed a large ball of wool.

She's just had mittens.

Does she keep them in the glove compartment ?

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7 hours ago, Stephen Hawking said:

I bought a stick deodorant today. The instructions read "Remove cap ".

 

Where did you hang your cap ?

 

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A Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but mean your mother.

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I've just been filling in an application form, and it asked for an emergency contact number, so I've put 999.

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Thanks to auto-correct, one in five children will be getting a visit from Satan this Christmas.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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On his way down the chimney, Santa got a mince pie stuck up his bottom. The doctor said, 'I'll  give you some cream to put on that.'

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My friend took his dead cat to a taxidermist, but they stuffed the wrong end.

It was a cat-ass-trophy.

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How does Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

Wi' jam in.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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A man goes to the doctor, worried that he's going deaf. The doctor asks "What are the symptoms?"

The patient replies "They're the yellow family who live in Springfield."

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