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Best Jokes You Know

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I was in Glasgow at the weekend, attending the funeral of my old friend Hamish.

It was quite an unusual experience, because I'd never met a real Scottish Widow before.

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Have you noticed how we're living a lot longer nowadays?

There's so many people living past 100, the Queen has had to get a Moonpig account, just to keep up.

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I've got a pair of underpants, with dodgy fly buttons.

I call them my nuclear reactor pants.

One false move, and Chernobyl Fallout.

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This comedian on TV on the Russell Howard stand up show in Camden said 'I want to be just rich enough where I don't think the price of batteries are too much'...

 

I dare say comedy to me anyway is honesty; when you put two and two together, a natural reaction is to laugh; so stating an observation is pretty good; makes ya think; is funny, because it's true.

Edited by ShelledInCoopedUp
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On 3/2/2020 at 10:35 PM, Stephen Hawking said:

What colour does a Smurf go, when you choke it?

Red ?

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Posted (edited)

If you hit me at 40mph, there's an 80% chance I'll die.

If you hit me at 30mph, there's an 80% chance I'll live.

Stop hitting me!

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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I was in the Supermarket earlier, and there was a customer clearing the shelves of all the lobsters, crabs, prawns, shrimps, etc.

I thought, what a shellfish person.

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There's an email doing the rounds, saying that tinned pork is infected with Covid 19.

If you receive the email, just ignore it, as it's SPAM.

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Latest Government advice is to wear gloves, then sanitise your hands, when checking the time on your clocks, to avoid getting the chrono-virus.

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Posted (edited)

A Level Theology Exam.

Question 1. Is there a God? You'll hope so, when you see the next question.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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If your wife is leaving you, book her a taxi for 8pm on a Thursday.

That way, it looks like all your neighbours are glad to be rid of her.

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I hope the pubs open soon.
I need to cut down on my drinking.

Sent from my SM-N976B using Tapatalk

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My mate cries after sex.

It's his own fault. If he hadn't broken the law, he wouldn't have got sent to prison.

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The noises my girlfriend makes, during sex, are embarrassing.

To be fair, she doesn't know I'm still in the house.

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Dianne Abbott has announced that she wants to ban all private motor vehicles, in order to tackle the Car Owner Virus.

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A computer fraudster has stolen 5 million Nectar points.

Police are looking for a disappointed man, with one new wine glass.

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McDonald have announced that they're stopping using Styrofoam, and will be using cardboard instead.

I reckon, eventually, they're going to have to use meat.

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