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Best Jokes You Know


Tonstar17
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Our 'Welcome' mat is missing its 'L'.

Normally I wouldn't care, but the neighbours are slagging us off for bragging.

There's a sign at the local pub that says 'Watch Football Live Here'

So how come after a match I get kicked out when I bring down my blanket and mattress

Edited by Tonstar17
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When I was in high school, I used to tell a lot of 'Your mom' jokes. Does that count? 

 

lol.

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I visited a mate in hospital who'd been viciously beaten up in the pub a few nights earlier. "What happened?" I asked. "It was just after you left," he explained. "Some bastard told that group of rugby players that I'd been calling them wankers and they all piled into me." "Shit. Why would someone tell them that?" I said, shaking my head. "Beats me," he replied. "Anyway, thanks for coming to visit. I was worried you might be still be mad at me for chatting up that girl you'd spent all evening trying to get off with." Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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What's a foot long and slippery?

 

A slipper.

 

5/4 of all Americans don't understand fractions.

 

 A man went on a trip and asked his brother to watch his cat. He called the next day to ask about it. His brother told him that the cat was hit by a car and killed.

"That was a horrible way to find out about Fluffy's death. You should have cushioned the blow by saying 'Fluffy's on the roof and won't come down'. Then the next day say that he doesn't look too good and you're taking him to the Vet. Then the next day you could say that they did everything they could for him but he passed away peacefully."

The brother apologizes profusley.

The saddened ex-cat owner accepts his brothers apology, then asks another question. "So anyway, how's Mom doing?"

"She's up on the roof and won't come down."

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