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Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers. Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with double negatives.

Guess she ain't never coming back.

 

Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

My girlfriend left me because of my OCD.

I said fine, goodbye, and shut the door ten times, on your way out.

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Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
 
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.
 
The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow".

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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?

He worked it out with a pencil.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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My girlfriend left me because of my OCD.

I said fine, goodbye, and shut the door ten times, on your way out.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nicola Sturgeon is touring Perthshire in the First Minister’s chauffeur driven car.

Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.

Nicola in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur : " You get out and check - you were driving."

The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead.
 
"You were driving, go and tell the farmer," says Nicola, ”I can’t afford to be blamed for anything.”

The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.

"My God, what happened to you?" asks Nicola.
 
The chauffeur replies : "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me."

"What on earth did you say?" asks Nicola.

"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them, I'm Nicola Sturgeon’s chauffeur and I've just killed the cow".

Hahaha. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab: “What do we want?”. “Time travel” “When do we want it?”. “Irrelevant.” Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk
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An 90 year old man goes into a drug store, and hands over a prescription for Viagra.

As the pharmacist is filling the prescription, the old man asks “could you cut them into quarters?”

The pharmacist replies “a quarter of a tablet won’t do anything for your sex life”.

“I know” says the old man, “but it’ll be enough to stop me peeing on my shoes”.

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Snow White was laying in bed feeling happy, then happy got out and she felt grumpy.

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Angela Merkel arrives at Heathrow airport, on her way to visit David  Cameron.

She’s going through Passport Control.

Customs Officer: “Name?”

Angela Merkel: “Angela Merkel”.

Customs Officer: “Nationality?”

Angela Merkel: “German”.

Customs Officer: “Occupation?”

Angela Merkel: “No, just visiting”.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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There’s a con trick doing the rounds, involving two gorgeous Eastern European girls.

They chat you up at the motorway service station, just before the Eurotunnel.

They climb into the back seat of your car with you, do fantastic sexual things to you, then leave, after which, you realize your wallet is missing.

I know it’s true, because it happened to me last Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday.

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My girlfriend asked me to buy something that would make her look sexy.

Apparently, a 12 pack of Budweiser isn't what she had in mind.

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I remember just after the Costa Concordia turned over, me and my girlfriend were in bed, watching a TV report on the disaster.

The reporter said "she's laying on her side, with a gash the size of a football pitch".

I only glanced at my girlfriend, and she blew her top.

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Donald Duck takes his new girlfriend to a hotel, for a romantic weekend away.

They’re just settling into bed, when Donald realizes he’s forgotten to bring any protection, so he nips down to the reception and asks if they have any.

The receptionist confirms they always keep condoms in stock, for the convenience of their clientele.

Taking a pack from the drawer, the receptionist asks “Should I put them on your bill?”

Donald replies “Certainly not. What kind of pervert do you think I am?”

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How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb?

None. That's women's work.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

I used to be a banker but I lost interest   

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

The salesman claimed the shoes were made from alligator, but I knew it was a crock.

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

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This isn't an actual joke, but rather an amusing true story.

A mother overheard her young son and daughter playing at being mummies and daddies.

The little girl announced that she was going to have a baby, but wasn't going to have a husband.

The little boy told her she couldn't have a baby without a husband, to which the girl asked why not?

The mother waited with baited breath, then the little boy explained "because you wouldn't have anyone to visit you in hospital".

How cute is childhood logic? :icon_biggrin: 

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Dad walks in and theres a singer on the telly

Dad: Is that Adele

Me: Na she don't look like a PC

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An optimist sees a glass half full. A pessimist sees it half empty. An engineer sees it twice as large as it needs to be. Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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The teacher asked Jimmy, "Why is your cat at school today Jimmy?" Jimmy replied crying, "Because I heard my daddy tell my mommy, 'I am going to eat that p*ssy once Jimmy leaves for school today!'" Sent from my SM-N910F using Tapatalk

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Little Sammy asks his mom: "Mummy, what's impotence?" "That's like playing pick-up-sticks with cooked spaghettis."

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I used to be addicted to soap. But now I'm clean. :) Q: What's the difference between America and a flash drive? A: One is USA and the other is USB. Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

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The man who invented the USB pen drive, passed away last week.

His funeral was today.

They lowered the coffin into the grave, took it out, turned it over, and put it back in again.

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A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!" Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

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Cop on horse says to little girl on bike, "Did Santa get you that?" "Yes," replies the little girl. "Well tell him to put a reflector light on it next year!" and fines her $5. The little girl looks up at the cop and says, "Nice horse you've got there, did Santa bring you that?" The cop chuckles and replies, "He sure did!" "Well," says the little girl, "Next year tell Santa that the dick goes under the horse, not on top of it!" Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

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Wife: "What are you doing?" Husband : Nothing. Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour." Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date." A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" And the father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying for it." Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

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A man says to his wife, "It's our 25th wedding anniversary next week. What do you want as a gift?"

His wife replies "I want a divorce".

The man says "I wasn't intending to spend that much".

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50 cent has been declared bankrupt. Apparently he is down to his last 50 cent. :) Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

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