Jump to content

Best Jokes You Know


Tonstar17
 Share

Recommended Posts

A man is walking down the street when suddenly he finds himself craving a drink. He spots a bar across the street but as he feels his pockets he realizes he doesn't have any money.

"Oh well, might as well try my luck" he thinks, and walks into the shady looking bar and up to the bartender.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asks.

"Whiskey, neat. But I have to come clean and tell you I'm broke" the man confesses, feeling his throat aching for spirits.

"That's an unlucky place to be in" the barkeep muses sympathetically. "Tell you what, if you're up to a challenge you can have as many drinks as you like, on the house."

"Interesting" the thirsty man says, "what will you have me do?"

The barman picks down a bottle of whiskey from one of the shelves.

"Drink this entire bottle of whiskey without throwing up" he instructs, handing it over to the thirsty man.

"Oh jeez... alright, here we go" the man shrugs, putting the bottle to his lips. It burns like hell but he manages to finish the bottle without vomiting.

"Alright" he coughs after he puts the empty bottle down, "is that it?"

The barkeep points at a ladder at the back of the room. "See that ladder? It leads up to a bedroom in the attic where there's a prostitute who's never had an orgasm. You have to give her that orgasm."

"That shouldn't be a problem" the thirsty man huffs, swaying a little in his spot.

The bartender then points out to a darkened courtyard.

"See that yard? Out there there's a crocodile with a toothache. You have to pull out his aching tooth."

The thirsty man swallows, but pushes up his sleeves over his elbows. "Very well" he says, and wobbles out through the door and onto the courtyard.

After a while, loud screams and cries are heard, scaring the clientele and the bartender. Trash cans are flying and chains are rattling, and after a while they hear someone howling like a banshee. That had to be the poor man giving up his death cry. "Oh he's toast now" the barkeep thinks, dreading the cleanup he'll have to do the next morning.

Suddenly the thirsty man stumbles in through the door, his hair ruffled and his clothes ragged. He walks up on wobbly legs to the wide-eyed bartender, brushing himself off.

"So" he pants, "....where did you say that prostitute with the aching tooth was?"   

Edited by YlvaBorealis89
  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...
  • 2 weeks later...

There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."

The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." 

With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

You know you're in trouble when you go to the doctors, show them the problem and they say 'What the fuck is that?'

Got run over by a limo this morning. 

Took fucking ages.

Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...

Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

  • Like 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

CBS is commissioning a new show, about over-sexed people.

It's to be shown fourteen times a week.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I read the other day, that the man who invented the USB Pen Drive has died.

At the end of his funeral, they lowered his coffin into the ground, then they lifted it back out, turned it over, and put it back in again.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
 Share

×
×
  • Create New...