Best Jokes You Know

[YlvaBorealis89 541]

A man is walking down the street when suddenly he finds himself craving a drink. He spots a bar across the street but as he feels his pockets he realizes he doesn't have any money.

"Oh well, might as well try my luck" he thinks, and walks into the shady looking bar and up to the bartender.

"What can I get you?" the bartender asks.

"Whiskey, neat. But I have to come clean and tell you I'm broke" the man confesses, feeling his throat aching for spirits.

"That's an unlucky place to be in" the barkeep muses sympathetically. "Tell you what, if you're up to a challenge you can have as many drinks as you like, on the house."

"Interesting" the thirsty man says, "what will you have me do?"

The barman picks down a bottle of whiskey from one of the shelves.

"Drink this entire bottle of whiskey without throwing up" he instructs, handing it over to the thirsty man.

"Oh jeez... alright, here we go" the man shrugs, putting the bottle to his lips. It burns like hell but he manages to finish the bottle without vomiting.

"Alright" he coughs after he puts the empty bottle down, "is that it?"

The barkeep points at a ladder at the back of the room. "See that ladder? It leads up to a bedroom in the attic where there's a prostitute who's never had an orgasm. You have to give her that orgasm."

"That shouldn't be a problem" the thirsty man huffs, swaying a little in his spot.

The bartender then points out to a darkened courtyard.

"See that yard? Out there there's a crocodile with a toothache. You have to pull out his aching tooth."

The thirsty man swallows, but pushes up his sleeves over his elbows. "Very well" he says, and wobbles out through the door and onto the courtyard.

After a while, loud screams and cries are heard, scaring the clientele and the bartender. Trash cans are flying and chains are rattling, and after a while they hear someone howling like a banshee. That had to be the poor man giving up his death cry. "Oh he's toast now" the barkeep thinks, dreading the cleanup he'll have to do the next morning.

Suddenly the thirsty man stumbles in through the door, his hair ruffled and his clothes ragged. He walks up on wobbly legs to the wide-eyed bartender, brushing himself off.

"So" he pants, "....where did you say that prostitute with the aching tooth was?"   

Edited October 15, 2015 by YlvaBorealis89

[nibbler747 2066]

This totally made me laugh:

 

[Stephen Hawking 6903]

I just received an email, from the WHO, telling me eating processed meat can cause cancer.

I'm not sure if it's real, or Spam.  

[Tonstar17 11615]

One for Halloween. What room does a ghost not need? A living room! Sent from my SM-G928F using Tapatalk

[Tonstar17 11615]

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[Tonstar17 11615]

What’s the difference between a G-spot and a golf ball?

A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

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[Tonstar17 11615]

I got pulled up by the police today. The office asked me where was I around six. I said fucking primary school. ☺

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[Tonstar17 11615]

I bought one of those new ultra HD Smart LED TV.

THE TV ARRIVED CURVED! TRIED TURNING IT ON AND IT WORKED SO TRIED BENDING IT BACK TO STRAIGHT AND IT SNAPPED IN HALF. : (

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[Stephen Hawking 6903]

My mate bought one of those 3D TVs.

Boy are they realistic.

I fell asleep while we were watching a Liverpool match, and, when I woke up, my wallet was missing.

[Tonstar17 11615]

My mate bought one of those 3D TVs.

Boy are they realistic.

I fell asleep while we were watching a Liverpool match, and, when I woke up, my wallet was missing.

Hahahaha. Loves the Scousers jokes

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[Stephen Hawking 6903]

A Welsh farmer was taking his driving test, when the examiner asked him if he could make a U-Turn.

The farmer said "Make it turn? I can make its eyes water".

Edited July 27, 2018 by Stephen Hawking

[Tonstar17 11615]

There's an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all talking about their teenage daughters.The Englishman says, "I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day and I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smoked."

The Scotsman says, "that's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank." 

With that the Irishman says, "both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found a packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a cock."

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You know you're in trouble when you go to the doctors, show them the problem and they say 'What the fuck is that?'

Got run over by a limo this morning. 

Took fucking ages.

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[Stephen Hawking 6903]

Q: What program do the Jedi use to open PDF files?

A: Adobe Wan Kenobi.

[Tonstar17 11615]

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games.

What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.

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[Stephen Hawking 6903]

My girlfriend told me buy something, to make her look sexy.

Apparently, a 12 pack of Budweiser, isn't what she had in mind.

Edited December 13, 2015 by Stephen Hawking

[Tonstar17 11615]

For London Fashion Week, they decided to cover the London Eye in camouflage.

I couldn't see the attraction.

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[Stephen Hawking 6903]

My girlfriend said she was leaving me, because of my OCD.

I said "Fine, go, and shut the door 6 times on your way out".

[Tonstar17 11615]

I said to my girlfriend, "Now remember, my mother is very old, so speak nice and slow and very loud."

Then I said to my perfectly capable mother, "By the way, my girlfriend is slightly retarded."

What fun that was...

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[Stephen Hawking 6903]

My girlfriend asked for something from The Body Shop, for her birthday.

I got her a wing for a Corvette, but she didn't seem too happy with it.

[Stephen Hawking 6903]

CBS is commissioning a new show, about over-sexed people.

It's to be shown fourteen times a week.

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I read the other day, that the man who invented the USB Pen Drive has died.

At the end of his funeral, they lowered his coffin into the ground, then they lifted it back out, turned it over, and put it back in again.

[Tonstar17 11615]

My blond girlfriend is so stupid, I told her Christmas was right around the corner - so she went looking for it.

What do you get when you cross a snowman and a vampire?

A: Frost-bite!

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[lennyx3 146]

What's the difference between Americans and yogurt?

If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years, it'll grow a culture.

Muhaha mean but awesome

[Tonstar17 11615]

Waiter, there’s a bee in my soup!

- Yes sir, the fly has a day-off​

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[walnutcowboy 1874]

 OK, STEPHEN,

 What do you get when you cross an Englishman with an earthworm?

Either a smarter Englishman or a stupider earthworm !

 

[Tonstar17 11615]

Lol

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