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Tonstar17

Best Jokes You Know

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Researchers have discovered, that a man's IQ triples, while having sex with a woman.

That's to be expected, because we're plugged into a know-it-all. :icon_biggrin: 

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Sometimes during the weekends I drink some water - to surprise my liver. 

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I'm going to a Christmas do tonight.The invitation says, 'Black Tie Only'.Fuck, I'm going to be freezing.

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The police raided my house yesterday, and found 2 I-Pads, 3 Samsung Galaxies, and half a dozen Amazon Fires, all stolen.

I'm in court next week, but I have a cast iron defense, which is, I'm under treatment from my doctor, and the last time I visited him, he told me to keep taking the tablets.

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Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?

He needed to get to the bottom.

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My mate has just been sacked, for gross misconduct.

5 years of medical studies, and 8 years of practising medicine, all down the drain.

He was caught in a storeroom, having sex with one of his patients.

And he was such a good vet too.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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I went to the gym last night….and I said to the gym instructor ‘Can you teach me the splits?’ he said how flexible are you??? I said I can’t do Wednesdays!!!

 



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I went on a once in a lifetime holiday last year….i tell you what! Never again!!

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What do you call an alligator in a vest?

 An Investigator



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A couple of antennas fell in love and decided to get married -  The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was excellent!

  I went to a seafood disco last week….i pulled a mussel

 A group of chess enthusiasts were standing in a hotel lobby discussing all of the tournaments they had won and prizes they had received….after about 15 minutes the hotel manager came over and asked them to move along….they asked why and he replied

‘Because I can’t stand Chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer’

 



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Most of the time, I'm a light sleeper. I have to sleep with a light on.

Occasionally, I'm a hard sleeper. I have to sleep with ............

Never mind. :icon_biggrin: 

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I asked God for a bike but I realised he doesn’t work that way! So instead I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

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Lessons in money – Always borrow it from a pessimist as they will never expect to get it back!!

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What is the advantage of living in Switzerland? Well….the flag is a big plus

Why did the music producer refuse to make the sandwichs music album?? He was more into Wrap music!!



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Did you hear about the man that his entire left side cut of??? He is all right now!

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What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell Phones!!

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What did the chickpea say when she had a stomachache??? ‘I falafel’

 

What do you call a fake noodle???  An impasta

 

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?  Ten tickles

 

Why did the can crusher quit his job??? It’s soda pressing

 

Why did the scarecrow win the nobel prize??? He was outstanding in his field



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A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory.

The Personnel Manager explains her duties and tells her to report to work promptly at 8.00am.

The next day at 8.45am there is a knock at the Personnel Manager's door.

The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up. The foreman takes the Personnel Manager down to the factory floor to show him the problem.

Sure enough, Elmos are backed up all over the place. At the end of the line is the new employee. She has a roll of material used for the Elmos and a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and starts sewing the little package between Elmo's legs.

The Personnel Manager starts laughing hysterically.

After a few minutes he pulls himself together, walks over to the woman and says "I am sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday, I said, your job is to give Elmo "two test tickles".

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’d just gotten out of the shower the other day when my wife shouted up to me ‘Darling there is blind man at the door’ – not wanting to keep him waiting I ran downstairs with nothing on not realising until I got to him that I’d called and asked for a quote for set of new venetians!!

 

The following day I saw a man stealing my gate from front garden….i didn’t go and approach him as he looked angry and I thought he might take a fence



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I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer. I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day.

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Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.



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I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner...

All it was doing was gathering dust.

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