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Best Jokes You Know

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What do you call Batman when he skips church?
Christian Bale!


What did one bean say to the other bean?
How you bean?


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Did you know that yesterday was National Middle Child Day?

Don't feel too bad. No one else remembered either.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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At school our maths master asked Mannie Goldsmith “What’s 7% of £1,200?”
And Mannie answered “Exactly Sir. What’s 7%?”

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I know I annoy my wife.
Every morning I wake up and she says “I wish you wouldn’t do that.”

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President Donald Trump!

 

C'mon America... You got me, c'mon...

 

:(

Not a joke?

Crap.

 

 

 

----------------------------------------------------- No Merge Por Favor -----------------------------------

How much wood would  woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood and your mother's a prostitute.

Edited by ShelledInCoopedUp

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I went to the butcher's the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said "No, the steaks are too high!"

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A bloke I work with puts MSG on all his food.

I've nothing against him personally. I just like his accent.

 

A coach, taking a party of origami practitioners to an origami exhibition, has broken down on the motorway.

To pass the time, while waiting for the replacement coach, they made paper models of cars.

Police have reported that the traffic is stationery.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Two elephants meet a totally naked guy. After a while one elephant says to the other: “I really don’t get how he can feed himself with that thing!”


Little Johnny asks his father: 
"Where does the wind come from?"
-
"I don't know."

"Why do dogs bark?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Why is the earth round?"
-
"I don't know."
-
"Does it disturb you that I ask so much?"
-
"No son. Please ask. Otherwise you will never learn anything."



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There was an Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman in a railway carriage as usual on their way to work one morning. They were not in London so they used to chat to pass the time.

 The Scotsman said,' I had a lovely dream last night. I was cast away on a desert island with Miss Scotland.'

The Englishman said, 'That's funny. I had a lovely dream too. I was cast away on a desert island with Miss England.'

The Irishman said, 'I had a terrible dream last night. I was cast away on a desert island too. It was a nightmare. I was with Miss England, Miss Scotland, and Miss Ulster. Then Miss Ireland was cast up. Four beautiful women. Oh it was dreadful.'

The other men asked all together, 'Why was it dreadful ?'

The Irishman said, 'I was Miss Wales.'

.........................

A little English boy asked his Scots grandfather, 'Say something Scottish, Grandad.'

Grandad replied, ' Ah dinna ken.'

The little boy asked, 'What does it mean ?'

Grandad said, 'I don't know.'

..................

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A farmer and his four daughters lived near an American airbase. The airmen had very good manners so asked the girls' father before taking them out.

The first American came to the farm and said, ' Sir,my name is Lou and I'd I'd like to take Sue to the zoo.' Impressed, the farmer said 'Yes.'

Another American came and said, 'Sir, my name is Lance and I'd like to take Nance to a dance.' Again, the farmer gave his permission.

The next American said, ' Sir, my name is Joe and  I'd  like to take Mo to a show.' The farmer said, 'Of course.'

Then another American young man came along and said, 'Sir, my name is Chuck .....' and the farmer said, 'I'm sorry, Druc's busy.'

Edited by joyceraye
remembered a name.
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Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher? There was no chemistry.


I got another letter from this lawyer today. It said “Final Notice”. Good that he will not bother me anymore.

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I was at a wedding in Arkansas last week.

During the reception a man stood up and said, "I'd like to say a few words about the bride and groom, or, as I prefer to call them, my son and daughter."

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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Job interview in a psychiatry:

So you’re interested in working with us. What is your experience with mentally disturbed people?
-
I’ve been on Facebook for 5 years now.

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Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years.

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John and Peter are playing a round of golf, when they come up behind two women, who are playing very slowly.

John say "I'll ask them if we play through", and sets off to speak to them.

He gets half way to them, then he turns round and runs back.

When he gets back, he explains to Peter, "OMG, I'm in trouble now, one of those women is my wife, and the other one is my lover."

Peter says "Stay here with the golf bags, while I go and speak to them"

Half way to the women, Peter turns round and runs back.

When he gets back to the golf bags, he shrugs and says "It's a small world, isn't it?"

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Last weekend, my friend John successfully put a role of wallpaper up himself.

I had to take him to the hospital.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
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