Jump to content
The Big Bang Theory Forums
Tonstar17

Best Jokes You Know

Recommended Posts

Two American soldiers find a dead animal. They are both city boys and can't agree on what it is, a pony, a mule, or what. They finally decide it's an ass and get their spades out to bury it. A lady officer comes along. They stop what they're doing, stand up straight, and salute. 

She asks, 'What are you digging, boys, a foxhole ?'

They answer, 'No.'

Edited by joyceraye

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A brunette goes to the doctor and as she touches each part of her body with her finger she says, "Doctor it hurts everywhere. My leg hurts, my arm hurts, my back hurts, and even my head hurts!"  The doctor asks, "Were you ever a blonde?" "Yes, I was." she replies. "Why do you ask?" The doctor answers, "because your finger is broken!" 



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Doctor: “I’ve found a great new drug that can help you with your sleeping problem.”
 
Patient: “Great, how often do I have to take it?”
 
Doctor: “Every two hours.”



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A man walks into a bar ....ouch

Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

How will Christmas dinner be different after Brexit?

No Brussels.


What did Santa do when he went speed dating?

He pulled a cracker




Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.

Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Brian, when I told you to serve Mulled Wine to the neighbours, with no cloves .............

Put your pants on son.

-------------------------------------------------

Well then, that's the Turkey dinner finished, now it's time for the nutty fruitcake, soaked in booze.

Come on down Granny.

Edited by Stephen Hawking
  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Father: “Son, you were adopted.”
 
Son: “What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!”
 
Father: “We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes.”



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I heard the Secret Service had to change their commands. 

They can't say "Get down!" anymore when the President is under attack. 

Now it's "Donald! Duck!" 



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My dog once ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving messages around the house for days.



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Broccoli: Hey, I look like a tree.

Mushroom: Wow, I look just like an umbrella.

Walnut: I look exactly like a brain.

Banana: Man, can we change the topic please?



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Woman to her husband while at it: "Please say dirty things to me!"
 
Man: "Bath, Kitchen, Living room..."



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Haha 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.

“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

A snowman sniffs, “Hm, funny, I smell carrots…”



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

A nice old lady on a bus offers the driver some peanuts. He’s happy to take some. He asks her after a while why she isn’t having any herself.

“Oh, young man,” she says, “they’re too hard on my poor teeth, I couldn’t.”

“Why did you buy them at all then?” wonders the driver.

“You see, I just love the chocolate they’re covered in!”



Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I can't believe it, 7 weeks until Pancake Day and the shops are already selling flour and eggs !

Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I woke up this morning and forgot which side the sun rises. Then it dawned on me.

Sent from my SM-N950F using Tapatalk

  • Like 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

So why was Buddha so fat?

Was it Shintoism and cultural acceptance of Buddhism in Japan?

Or was it that he went everywhere and said

"Make me one with everything"

Pizza restaurants, Subway, at the Drive-Thru

"Make me one with everything"

Gets the happy meal every time. 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

You know what dinosaur bones are...

They're dragon bones...

You know why fossil fuel is so effective and burns so well?

It's fucking dragon oil, that's why.

Edited by ShelledInCoopedUp

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.


×
×
  • Create New...

Important Information

We have placed cookies on your device to help make this website better. You can adjust your cookie settings, otherwise we'll assume you're okay to continue.