Tensor Posted November 23, 2020 Posted November 23, 2020 The Collaboration Contamination Season 11 Episode 05 Teleplay by Story by Dave Goetsch Steve Molaro & & Maria Ferrari Steve Holland & & Jeremy Howe Eric Kaplan COLD OPEN SCENE A ATOM CUT TO Apartment 4A (Leonard, Penny, Sheldon, Amy, Raj, Howard, Bernadette) ALL SITTING AROUND LIVING ROOM COFFEE TABLE, EATING, BERNADETTE WALKS IN FROM HALLWAY. BERNADETTE: Thanks for letting me put Halley in your room. LEONARD: Sure, no problem. BERNADETTE STOPS BY PENNY’S CHAIR. BERNADETTE: Er, and Penny she kinda threw up on your stuffed bear. BERNADETTE CONTINUES TO COUCH, SITS. PENNY: Oh, that’s okay. LEONARD: Hey, hey, that’s an Ewok, and it’s mine PENNY(smiling): Which is why it’s okay. SHELDON: See, he gets Ewoks in his bed. AMY: You got Chewbacca, that’s enough. RAJ: I used to have the stuffed raccoon, from Gardians of the Galaxy, but Cinnamon licked it raw. HOWARD: There’s a time and place for your randy dog stories, and it’s never and nowhere. PENNY: Yeah, no more stories about sex, so Amy, that brings us to you. AMY: Well, at work we’ve be doing some interesting research with neuroprosthetics. PENNY: Neat, I’ve been rewatching the OC, so we’re all leading productive lives. AMY: We’ve been working on a computer interface, that can use brainwave patterns to control robotic limbs. But, we’re have a little trouble localizing the signal from the EEG cap. HOWARD: Welp, have you thought about a phased array of sensors, for better localization? AMY: Actually, that never occurred to me. PENNY: It never occurred to me, I would miss the Ewok, conversation. LEONARD: Good, cause I just bought another one on Amazon. AMY: You know, I could use an engineer on this project. SHELDON: Well this works out great, Howard’s an engineer. I’m sure he knows someone who’s qualified. HOWARD: She’s talking about me, Sheldon. I’m perfectly qualified. BERNADETTE: Yeah, Howie’s the world’s best engineer, it says so right on his coffee mug. PENNY: Awwwwww, you got him a mug? RAJ: I did. But it’s not a competition. BERNADETTE: Yeah, I lost that battle years ago. AMY: So, Howard, are you interested? HOWARD: Are you kidding? If I could control robot arms, with my brain, I be able to do so many things. SHELDON: Really? Because you’ve been controlling human arms through your brain for years, and not much has come of it. CUT TO OPENING TITLES ACT 1 ATOM CUT TO SCENE B APARTMENT 4A (Leonard Penny) PENNY SITTING AT ISLAND DRINKING COFFEE AND READING. LEONARD ENTERS FROM HALLWAY STANDS NEAR PENNY. LEONARD: Hey, whatcha reading? PENNY: A parenting book LEONARD: Oh, my god, are……are we…… PENNY: What? Nooooooooo. You think this is how I would tell you? LEONARD: Well, yo……yo……your sitting there with a book, it felt like anything was possible. I don’t know… LEONARD GETS A CUP, WALKS TO ISLAND PENNY (miffed): Bernadette left it here. LEONARD: Well, anything interesting? LEONARD POURS COFFEE PENNY: Well, I just saw a picture of a baby’s head crowning, so I hope you enjoyed sex, because we’re done with that. SHELDON ENTERS THROUGH FRONT DOOR. LEONARD CONTINUES TO POUR COFFEE SHELDON: Hello LEONARD: Hey Sheldon, what’s up? PENNY: Hey. SHELDON WALKS TO ISLAND. SHELDON: Eh, remember how disappointed you were, when Amy started driving me to work? LEONARD: Sure, sometimes people smile a big smile of disappointment. SHELDON: Yeah, well good news, Amy had to go in early to show Howard around her lab. So, you get to drive me. LEONARD’S FACE CHANGES TO DISAPPOINTMENT. PENNY: Awwwww, his smile of disappointment has turned into a frown of joy. LEONARD: It’s fine, I’ve been driving him for years, what’s one more day. SHELDON: And, a new car game we can play, it’s called what siren am I? LEONARD: Kill me. ATOM CUT TO SCENE C AMY’S LAB (Amy, Howard) BOTH ARE GOING THROUGH THE LAB, LOOKING AT THE EQUIPMENT. HOWARD: Amy, your lab is amazing. A CR fluoroscope, a cranial ultrasound, ohhhhhh, and look at that coffee maker. AMY: I know, on our expense report, I listed it as “Edwardo”, my Columbian Lab assistant. BOTH WALK OVER TO THE SKULL CAP. HOWARD: So, this is it. HOWARD TAKES THE SKULL CAP OFF OF IT’S STAND. AMY: Yes. We are using it to map brain wave patterns, and then converting them to electrical impulses, that can be used to control anything, from wheelchairs to robots HOWARD: Based on that ring on your finger, I’d say you’re pretty good at controlling robots. AMY: Careful, that’s my fiancé you’re talking about. (beat) And I can program him to hurt you. ATOM CUT TO SCENE D LEONARD’S CAR (Leonard, Sheldon) LEONARD DRIVING, SHELDON MAKING A SIREN NOISE. LEONARD: I don’t know, a…a…a French police? SHELDON: Oh, so close, Belgian Ambulance. LEONARD MAKES FACE, SHAKES HEAD. SHELDON: All right, you ready for your next one? Just a warning, this one is a little annoying. SHELDON STARTS MAKING A SIREN SOUND LEONARD: eh…eh…eh… let’s take a little……little break, I’m getting a headache. SHELDON (disappointed): Ohhhhhh, right in the middle of our fun game. LEONARD: Yeah, weird. So, Howard and Amy working together, that’s interesting, huh? SHELDON: Eh, it’s all right, I suppose. Look, when usually when Amy complains about her coworkers, I just tune her out, but now, I’ll be able to join in, and pound away. LEONARD: You’re not jealous, of Howard, are you? SHELDON: Of course not. The only engineer I’m jealous of, is the one who blows the train whistle. Ooooooo, that a just gave me an idea for a new game. What whistle am I? LEONARD: Train. SHELDON: For your information, it was going to be teakettle. But, the teakettle was on a train, so I’ll give it to you. ATOM CUT TO SCENE E AMY’S LAB (Howard, Amy) BOTH SITTING AT A LAB TABLE, HOWARD ON A COMPUTER, AMY WRITING ON PIECE OF PAPER. HOWARD: If we add phase detection to your EEG sensors, I’ll have to rewrite most of the code. AMY: Can you do that? HOWARD: Well, these hands were made to do three things, close up magic, writing code, and the dirty shadow puppet show that got me kicked out of Hebrew school. SHELDON ENTERS LAB. SHELDON: Hello. AMY TURNS AND WALKS TWO STEPS TOWARD SHELDON, AMY (smiling): Hi, what a nice surprise. SHELDON: I just came by to see how you two were getting along. AMY: Well, everything is going really great. SHELDON: Awwwwww, that’s nice to hear. SHELDON BLINKING HIS EYES SHELDON: I was hoping you two would enjoy working together. SHELDON STOPS BLINKING, AND NODS AMY: What’s with the blinking. SHELDON: It’s Morse code. So we can talk about…… SHELDON MAKES A FACE AND NODS TOWARD HOWARD. SHELDON: Without hurting…… SHELDON MAKES A FACE AND NODS TOWARD HOWARD. SHELDON: ……feelings. AMY: Sheldon, I don’t know Morse code. HOWARD: I do, and if you have something to say, you can say it to my face. SHELDON: Oh. (beat) All right. SHELDON STARTS BLINKING HIS EYES, FINALLY STOPS HOWARD: I’m a little rusty, can you say that again? SHELDON STARTS BLINKING HIS EYES ATOM CUT TO SCENE F APARTMENT 4A (Penny) PENNY ON COUCH, READING. LEONARD ENTERS, PUTS KEYS IN BOWL, FOLLOWED BY SHELDON ENTERING. SHELDON: She’s going to be home at eightish, wh……what is that? 8:01? 8:02? LEONARD PUTS HIS BAG ON HIS COMPUTER CHAIR. SHELDON: What kind of scientist uses -ish? LEONARD: I’ll give it a go, my ride home with you was hellish. LEONARD WALKS OVER TO THE FRIDGE, PENNY STOPS READING PENNY: Sheldon, honey, if you want to join us for dinner, you’re more than welcome. SHELDON: Oh, thank you,I don’t think I’d be very good company tonight. LEONARD: Well, then out you go. LEONARD WAVE HIS HAND AT SHELDON. PENNY: Okay, what is going on? SHELDON: Ever since Amy started working with Howard, she hasn’t been home. PENNY: Didn’t that just start this morning? SHELDON: And has she been home? PENNY: You know, that would frustrate me. PENNY STANDS AND WALKS TO SHELDON. PENNY: Does it frustrate you? SHELDON: It does. PENNY: I get that. You know, it’s okay to feel frustrated, when things aren’t going your way. SHELDON: I suppose. Ahhhh, maybe it’s not that big of deal. LEONARD LOOKS OVER, PUZZLED, CURIOUS. PENNY: No, no, no, your feelings are valid. Now, why don’t you go wash up, and, we’ll call you when dinner’s ready. SHELDON LOOKS AT PENNY, LEONARD LOOKS AT PENNY IN CONFUSION. SHELDON: Okay. SHELDON LEAVES, PENNY CLOSES THE DOOR. LEONARD: What did you do…are you a witch? PENNY: Well, I’ve been reading Bernadette’s parenting book. It’s like the answer key, to the Sheldon test. LEONARD: That’s amazing. PENNY: Yeah, I know, but it’s only birth to five, what do we do when he turns six? LEONARD: Take him to the zoo and leave him there. ATOM CUT TO SCENE G WOLOWITZ KITCHEN (Bernadette) BERNADETTE AT KITCHEN TABLE, TYPING ON COMPUTER, RAJ ENTERS. RAJ: Hey Bernadette. BERNADETTE: Hey Raj. Howard’s not here. RAJ: I know. He’s been at the lab every night this week, with his work wife. BERNADETTE: That’s weird, I thought his work wife was standing in my kitchen. RAJ: Don’t be snippy, I came to see how your were doing. Like, do you need help with anything? BERNADETTE: Thank you. There are a few things around the house that I've been waiting for Howard to get to. The smoke alarms really need… RAJ: No, I mean emotionally. How are you feeling? BERNADETTE: Like you’re not really here to help me. RAJ: Wow, still snippy. BERNADETTE: Everything’s fine. Howard’s really excited about his work, he’s been in a great mood. I’m really proud of him. BERNADETTE CLOSES COMPUTER, STANDS, GOES TO COFFEE MAKER. RAJ: And I can still fit into the pants I wore in high school. Come on, we don’t have to lie to each other. BERNADETTE: You’re right, I have a teething baby, I’m pregnant, I have a proposal due tomorrow, I don’t have time to hear about how much you’re missing my husband. RAJ: Well, I think I know why he’s been working so late. ATOM CUT TO SCENE H APARTMENT 4B (Sheldon) SHELDON SITTING ON THE COUCH, LOOKING AT A BOOK, AMY ENTERS, DROPS KEYS IN BOWL. AMY: Hi SHELDON CLOSES BOOK, SHELDON: Welcome home. How was work? AMY PUTS PURSE ON SIDEBOARD. AMY: Great, Howard had an idea…… SHELDON: That’s enough about work. Now, you just got here, you need to sit down…… SHELDON PATS COUCH NEXT TO HIM. SHELDON: …… and let me pamper you. AMY (laughs): Well, that sounds nice. AMY WALKS TO COUCH, SITS. SHELDON: I got you a little something, to help you relax. SHELDON HANDS AMY A SMALL BAG. AMY(smiling): Sheldon, that is the sweetest mos…… AMY OPENS BAG, PULLS OUT A NOTEBOOK. SMILE TURNS TO PUZZLEMENT AMY:…… wha… what is this? SHELDON: The notes from our quantum cognition project. I thought we could spend the evening, grinding away on it. AMY: I just got home, I’m tired…… SHELDON: Of Howard, I know. So, how about you and me make some beautiful science together? AMY: Sheldon, I want to work on this with you, just not tonight. What if we get up early, and do it in the morning. I promise, I’ll be way more into it. SHELDON: You know what? There was a time that you would have been happy to stay up and collaborate, all night with me. And then wake up in the morning and do it some more. AMY (sighs): Fine, but can we make it quick? SHELDON: No, if you’re going to make me do all the work, then go to bed. But, don’t be surprised if you walk out here and catch me doing it myself. FADEOUT END ACT 1 ACT 2 ATOM CUT TO SCENE J APARTMENT 4A (Penny) PENNY POURNING A CUP OF COFFEE. LEONARD ENTERS FROM HALLWAY, LOOKING AT HIS PHONE, WALKS OVER TO PENNY BY ISLAND. LEONARD: Sheldon’s texting me to drive him to Bernadette’s. PENNY: What are you going to say? LEONARD: Well, they did just introduce the middle finger emoji, if it’s not for this, I don’t know what it’s for. PENNY: No, no, no, he’ll just thing that means, be there in a minute. PENNY WALKS OVER TO COFFEE TABLE, PICKS UP BOOK. FLIPS THROUGH IT PENNY: Maybe there’s something in the book that will help. LEONARD: It’s worth a shot PENNY: Okay, let’s see, let’s see. Biting other children? LEONARD: Mmmm, sometimes, but problem for another day PENNY: Wait, wait, wait, here we go, let him have ownership of his choices, allow him to choose from options that are acceptable to you. LEONARD: I don’t know, I’ll give it a try…… LEONARD STARTS TEXTING SHELDON LEONARD: …… I can drive you in two hours, or you can take an Uber. PENNY: Good, now he feels like he has a choice. [SFX] MESSAGE RECIEVED ON LEONARD’S PHONE. LEONARD: He’s going to take an Uber PENNY: Wow, it worked. LEONARD: Unless he bites the driver, yeah. LEONARD TAKES BOOK FROM PENNY, LOOKS AT THE BACK ATOM CUT TO SCENE K WOLOWITZ KITCHEN (Sheldon, Bernadette) BOTH SITTING AT TABLE, SHELDON DRINKING TEA, BERNADETTE WORKING ON COMPUTER. SHELDON: And, now they’re working on a Saturday? Can you believe them? Is this how you envisioned your weekend? BERNADETTE(frustrated): No, it is not. SHELDON: This whole thing is maddening. BERNADETTE: I’m really busy. I don’t have time to listen to you complain. SHELDON: Hey, you’re complaining too. Sheldon, why are you here? Sheldon, the apple sauce is for the baby. BERNADETTE: What do you want? SHELDON: I just wish I could make Howard feel as angry as I’m feeling. BERNADETTE CLOSES THE COMPUTER. BERNADETTE: Well, maybe you could do something he likes, and make him jealous. SHELDON: Like what? BERNADETTE: Have you ever read Tom Sawyer? SHELDON: No. BERNADETTE: Chores, he likes chores. SHELDON: Oooooooo, what kind of chores? BERNADETTE: Well, you could change the batteries in the smoke detectors. That would drive him crazy. SHELDON: That’s great. Oh, he’ll be so mad, smoke will be coming out of his ears. An, an, and, the smoke detectors will detect it. Well, now, hold on. Why did you ask me about Tom Sawyer? BERNADETTE: I’m just interested in you. SHELDON: Well, you are sweeter than your applesauce. ATOM CUT TO SCENE L AMY’S LAB (Amy, Howard) HOWARD LOOKING AT DATA ON THE COMPUTER, AMY WALKS TO TABLE WITH NOTEBOOK. HOWARD: Okay, I’m going to extend the wait time and have them pull the A to D converter at the top of the loop, instead of the bottom. AMY: That’s impressive. HOWARD: You think that’s impressive, take apart that brain model. AMY SEPARATES THE PIECES OF THE MODEL, FINDS A THREE OF CLUBS PLAYING CARD. AMY: Oh my God, three of clubs, that was my card. HOWARD: I used to make it appear in my pants, but HR said I had to stop doing that. AMY PUTS MODEL BACK TOGETHER, PUTS IT ON IT’S STAND. AMY: So, how much longer until we can test it. HOWARD: Well, it needs to compile, so it’s going to be a few minutes. AMY: Sounds like we’re earned ourselves a break. HOWARD: You want to hear some Neil Sadaka? AMY: You know, that’s your greatest magic trick, because you just read my mind. HOWARD PUSHING ONE OF TH KEYS, NEIL SADAKA SINGS CALENDAR GIRL. BOTH CONTINUE WRITING, BUT START MOVING THEIR SHOULDERS, AND SINGING ALONG. THEY STAND, AND START DANCING, STILL SINGING. RAJ ENTERS. RAJ: Well, well, well…… AMY TURNS OFF MUSIC. AMY: Hi. HOWARD: Hey. RAJ: You say your busy as bees, yet here you are, dancing. Although I suppose, bees do dance, but their dance, lets other bees know where the pollen is, and yours does not. So, my logic, despite that slight detour, does track. HOWARD: I’m just waiting for my code to compile. What are you doing here? RAJ: I stopped by to see if you wanted to go to the movies with me. HOWARD: I’d love to, but we’re just about to test the interface, it could take a while. RAJ: Okay, buddy, it’s not my place, but Bernadette’s been feeling a little abandoned, with all the hours you’ve been putting in. AMY: You just asked him to go to the movies. RAJ: Yeah, but our weird relationship was grandfathered into their marriage, and yours was not. ATOM CUT TO SCENE M WOLOWITZ KITCHEN (Bernadette) SITTING AT KITCHEN TABLE, WITH HER FEET UP, EATING ICECREAM SHELDON ENTERS SHELDON: Okay, I put new batteries in the smoke detectors. BERNADETTE: Did you do the laundry? SHELDON: I sure did. Oooooo, he’s gonna be steamed, just like his dress shirts BERNADETTE: At least he can still clean the ovens. So, that’s something. SHELDON: Woah, that’s what he things, where’s your steel wool. BERNADETTE HOLDS UP A PAD OF STEEL WOOL. BERNADETTE: Right here. SHELDON: We make quite the team. BERNADETTE: Sure do. BERNADETTE CONTINUES EATING ICECREAM, SHELDON GOES AND LOOKS UNDER THE SINK, RAJ ENTERS. RAJ: Guys, you won’t believe this, I stop by the university to check in on Howard and Amy, and they were having fun. SHELDON: Well, don’t worry, he won’t be having any fun when he gets home…… SHELDON HOLDS UP THE STEEL WOOL, AND GLOVES SHELDON: ……I did all his favorite chores. RAJ: What are you talking about, Howard hates doing chores. SHELDON: Why would Bernadette tell me…… Bernadette. SHELDON STOPS, WALKS TO BERNADETTE, BERNADETTE LOOKS CAUGHT. SHELDON:…… Did you play on my well established gullibility, to clean your house? BERNADETTE GOES BACK TO EATING THE ICE CREAM. BERNADETTE: Sure did. SHELDON: Well, I would storm out of here, but I already have the gloves and the steel wool and I really do love cleaning an oven…… SHELDON PUSHES RAJ OUT OF THE WAY. SHELDON: Move. SHELDON OPENS OVEN DOOR. ATOM CUT TO SCENE N APARTMENT 4A AT ISLAND (Leonard, Penny, Sheldon) ALL THREE AROUND THE ISLAND, SHELDON DRINKING TEA. SHELDON: She made me do all her chores, and it wasn’t even her idea, she stole it, from Tom Sawyer. LEONARD: You know what? This is crazy. Howard and Amy are working together, get over it. PENNY: Leonard, what are you doing? LEONARD TURNS TO PENNY LEONARD: Knowing when to say when…… LEONARD TURNS BACK TO SHELDON LEONARD: …… This is not a big deal. SHELDON: It is a big deal. Howard’s getting Amy used to laughing and listening to music. What if she expects that madness at home? PENNY: You know, that is a good point. I’m really proud of the way that you express your feelings. SHELDON: Thank you, I’m just so angry. PENNY: You know, everyone gets angry. Even mommies and daddies. LEONARD: You can’t think this is the right time to validate his behavior. PENNY PULLS LEONARD SEVERAL STEPS AWAY FROM SHELDON PENNY: Okay, what about presenting a united front. LEONARD: What about you coddling him, and he’s never gonna learn. PENNY: Look, you sound frustrated, and I’m really proud of the way you’re able to state your opinion. LEONARD: Thank you. (beat) (angry) What, no, no. Don’t use that book on me. SHELDON: Wai, wai, what book? LEONARD: Penny’s been using one of Bernadette’s parenting books on you. PENNY: What? So has he. SHELDON: What makes you think you can treat me like a child. LEONARD PENNY GIVE SHELDON A WTF STARE(2 beats) LEONARD: Your shampoo comes in a Big Bird bottle. SHELDON: That’s because the adult shampoo burns my man eyes. SHELDON STARTS WALKING TOWARD THE DOOR. ATOM CUT TO SCENE P WOLOWITZ KITCHEN (Bernadette) BERNADETTE AT TABLE, WORKING, COMPUTER OPEN. RAJ ENTERS. RAJ: Hey, what are you working on? BERNADETTE (frustrated): Oh, my God, you’re still here? RAJ: Of course I’m here, I know what you’re going through. BERNADETTE (sarcastic): Really? You have a needy Indian man in your house? RAJ: I did, but then he came over here. RAJ WALKS TO TABLE, SITS IN CHAIR ATOM CUT TO SCENE Q APARTMENT 4A (Penny, Leonard) PENNY AND LEONARD ENTER FROM HALLWAY PENNY (angrily): So, is this how it’s gonna be if we have kids? You’re just going to throw me under the bus? LEONARD GOES TO FRIDGE, OPEN IT. PENNY FOLLOWS LEONARD: If you spoil them, the way you do Sheldon, then yeah. PENNY: Uh, my way was working, okay? I think you’re just upset because there are some things I’m better than you at. LEONARD: Well, you can’t end a sentence with a preposition, so, clearly, not grammar. LEONARD GET’S BOTTLE OF WATER. PENNY: If you’re so smart, was that a smart thing to say? LEONARD: That depends, before I said it, was sex tonight still on the table? PENNY (angry): NO! LEONARD: Then that’s fine. LEONARD CLOSES DOOR TO FRIDGE, WALKS AWAY. PENNY LOOKS ANGRY. ZOOM CUT TO SCENE R AMY’S LAB (Amy, Howard) BOTH SITTING AT WORKBENCH, LOOKING AT COMPUTER. HOWARD: You know, once we get this operational, we can probably figure out how to make it wireless. AMY: That’ll be amazing. [SFX] TONE FROM AMY’S PHONE AMY: Oh, that’s Sheldon. Oh, he’s upset with Leonard and Penny. [SFX] TONE FROM AMY’S PHONE AMY: And Bernadette. [SFX] TONE FROM AMY’S PHONE AMY: And Mark Twain. HOWARD: Yeah, Bernadette texted earlier, Raj is really getting on her nerves. AMY: I guess we have been working late a lot. (Amy sighs) Should we call it a night, and go home? AMY STANDS HOWARD: Or, we could brew a pot of coffee, and power through. AMY: I don’t know, it’s getting kinda late AMY LOOKS AT HER WRIST FOR HER WATCH, IT’S NOT THERE. AMY: Hey, where’s my watch? HOWARD: Why don’t you ask your skeleton? AMY LOOKS AT HOWARD STRANGELY, THEN LOOKS AT SKELETON. WATCH IN ON THE SKELETON’S LEFT WRIST. AMY IS AMAZED AND SPEECHLESS. HOWARD LEANS BACK WITH A SMUG EXPRESSION. AMY (excitedly): Oh my God, how’s that even possible? HOWARD RAISES HIS ARMS, AND SHRUGS FADEOUT END OF ACT 2 TAG ATOM CUT TO SCENE S APARTMENT 4B (Sheldon, Raj) SHELDON SITTING ON THE COUCH, RAJ WALKS OVER SITS DOWN, WITH POPCORN. RAJ: This is great, the two of us hanging out. Why didn’t we think of this earlier? SHELDON: Agreed. I don’t need Amy to watch a movie. I can not hold your hand just as easily. SHELDON PICKES UP REMOTE, TURNS ON THE MOVIE SOUNDS OF THE MOVIE SHELDON: In the book, this is based on, that man’s, the killer. RAJ, IS SHOCKED, TURNS TO GIVE SHELDON A DIRTY LOOK. BLACKOUT END OF TAG RUN END CREDITS END OF SHOW Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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