Tensor Posted November 29, 2020 Posted November 29, 2020 The Conjugal Configuration Season 12 Episode 01 Teleplay by Story by Steve Holland Chuck Lorre & & Maria Ferrari Eric Kaplan & & Jeremy Howe Tara Hernandez COLD OPEN SCENE A ATOM CUT JIM PARSONS: Previously on The Big Bang Theory. CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Amy, Mr Fowler, Mrs Fowler) MRS FOWLER WITH HER ARM AROUND AMY’S NECK, FACING MR FOWLER MRS FOWLER: Can you believed our little lamb is finally getting married…… MR FOWLER TAKES STEP TOWARDS THE TWO, MRS FOWLER LETS GO OF AMY, FACES HER, WITH BACK TO MR FOWLER. MRS FOWLER:…… he can’t believe it. And neither can I. MRS FOWLER, AMY HUG. AMY: Hi dad, how are you doing? MR FOWLER, ACTS LIKE HE’S HANGING FROM THE END OF A ROPE, HE IS HOLDING. HE STOPS, BEFORE MR FOWLER TURNS AROUND. ZOOM CUT TO CALTECH ATHENAEUM (Mark Hamill, Amy, Sheldon) MARK HAMILL OFFICIATING AT AMY AND SHELDON’S WEDDING. MARK HAMILL (almost crying): By the power vested in me by Even You Can Perform Weddings dot Com, I now pronounce you, husband and wife. You may kiss the bride. AMY AND SHELDON KISS. END OF FLASHBACK ATOM CUT WITH AN “AND NOW…” TO SCENE B HOTEL ROOM (Sheldon and Amy) AMY SLEEPING, SHELDON GENTLY SHAKING HER TO WAKE HER. SHELDON: Good morning wife. AMY(smiles, laughs): Good morning husband. AMY TURNS IN BED TO FACE SHELDON. AMY: I can believe we’re actually married. SHELDON: It’s official. According to tradition, we should hang the bedsheets outside, so the villagers can see we consummated. SHELDON GETS OUT OF BED, WALKS TO THE WINDOW. AMY: I don’t think that’s appropriate, considering where we’re starting our honeymoon. SHELDON: Well, I suppose you’re right…… SHELDON OPENS THE CURTAINS, LEGOLAND IS OUTSIDE THEIR WINDOW. SHELDON:…… although, when you think about it, Lego is the perfect metaphor, for marital congress. Two pieces that interlock, with a satisfying snap. AMY: Oh, that’s the sound you were making. SHELDON WALKS TO THE BED SHELDON: Oh, I almost forgot, while you were sleeping, I ordered room service. SHELDON PICKS UP A COVERED SERVING TRAY, AND BRINGS IT TO AMY. AMY: Really? SHELDON: Violá SHELDON TAKES COVER OFF OF DISH, DISPLAYS EGG, BACON, AND PANCAKES, ALL MADE OF LEGOS. SHELDON (giggling): You thought it was going to be food, didn’t you. CUT TO OPENING TITLES ACT 1 ATOM CUT TO SCENE C APARTMENT STAIRWAY (Leonard, Penny, Raj, Howard, Bernadette) ALL ARE WALKING UP THE STAIRS, HOWARD CARRYING THE BOX OF FOOD. RAJ: Mother, Is it nice having Sheldon and Amy away, on their honeymoon? PENNY: Yeah, because now Leonard and I get all this alone time. RAJ: But you’re not alone, we’re here. PENNY (frustrated): Yes, yes you are. BERNADETTE: Would you like us to leave, so you and Leonard can talk about all the things you have in common? LEONARD: Ha ha, she called your bluff. RAJ: Something pretty cool happened, channel three asked me to be on the news tomorrow night, to talk about the meteor shower. LEONARD: Well, that’s great. PENNY: Heyyyyyyy. BERNADETTE: Congratulations. HOWARD: You know, that’s how Neil deGrasse Tyson got his start. He went from the Hayden Planetarium, to guesting on the local news, to ruining everyone’s favorite movies on the internet. RAJ: Now it’s happening to me. Oooooo, I should probably make a list of all the scientific inaccuracies in Momma Mia Two. PENNY: You’re going to go on live TV, and admit you’ve seen that movie? RAJ: Hey, your husbands the one who took me. PENNY GIVE LEONARD A WTF STARE. LEOANRD: Meryl Streep and Cher? Yeah, I saw it. LEONARD PUTS THE KEY INTO THE DOOR OF 4A, TO UNLOCK IT, A NOISE COMES FROM 4B. ALL TURN TO LOOK. LEONARD REMOVES KEY. THERE IS ANOTHER NOISE. RAJ: Sounds like someone’s in there. BERNADETTE: God, what if Sheldon and Amy are getting robbed? HOWARD: Or worse, what if they’re back early? LEONARD: They’re not, they just posted a picture in front of the Statue of Liberty. PENNY: Real or Lego? LEONARD: Lego. BERNADETTE: So, what should we do? Should someone go check it out. RAJ: I would, but I got to be on TV tomorrow. Got to protect the money. RAJ INDICATES HIS FACE, PENNY RUNS OVER TO APARTMENT 4B’S DOOR. PUTS HER EAR ON THE DOOR. PENNY: Oh, yeah, someone is definitely in there. LEONARD: Okay, let’s go into our apartment…… LEONARD REINSERTS KEY AND STARTS TURNING THE KEY IN THE LOCK LEONARD:……We’ll lock the door, we’ll call the police…… PENNY STARTS BANGING ON THE DOOR PENNY(starts yelling): Hello, anyone in there? DOOR OPENS, MR FOWLER APPEARS. MR FOWLER: Yes? PENNY: Oh, Mr Fowler, sorry, we didn’t know you were here. We actually thought someone was breaking in. RAJ: And we were ready to take them down. MR FOWLER: Amy asked me to water her plants. PENNY: She doesn’t have any plants. MR FOWLER: Oh, well, you’ve caught me in a lie. MR FOWLER TURNS, CLOSES DOOR. MR FOWLER: Have a good day. MR FOWLER WALKS DOWN STAIRS. HOWARD: That was weird, right? LEONARD: Was it? I…I…I honestly can’t tell anymore. LEONARD OPENS DOOR, THEY ALL START TO ENTER. MR FOWLER: Hey, did you even see Mamma Mia One? MR FOWLER: Didn’t need to, the sequel stands on it’s own. AFTER ALL HAVE ENTERED, RAJ CLOSES APARTMENT 4A’S DOOR, MR FOWLER COMES BACK UP THE STAIRS, TO APARTMENT 4B, AND ENTERS IT, SCENE D ATOM CUT TO NY HOTEL ROOM (Bellboy, Amy, Sheldon) BELLBOY ENTERS CARRYING LUGGAGE, PUT IT ON THE FOOTSTOOL, AT THE END OF THE BED. AMY AND SHELDON ENTER. BELLBOY: Here ya go. If you need any recommendations while visiting New York, please don’t hesitate…… BELLBOY OPENS SHEER DRAPES OVER WINDOW. BELLBOY: ……to contact me. AMY: Well, it is our honeymoon. SHELDON: So we are going to be quite busy. BELLBOY: Got it. BELLBOY GOES OUT TO HALLWAY, TO GET MORE LUGGAGE. BRINGS IT IN AMY: Harry Potter play, parts one and two. SHELDON: And, tomorrow, a tour of the sites where Nicola Tesla lived, worked, and slowly went crazy. BELLBOY GIVE SHELDON A WEIRD LOOK. SHELDON WALKS TO BELLBOY, SHELDON GIVES BELLBOY TIP SHELDON: And, of course, coitus. AMY EMBARRASSED, BELLBOY LOOKS SHOCKED. BELLBOY: Well, enjoy, New York. And, I guess, coitus. BELLBOY LEAVES, SHELDON CLOSES DOOR. AMY: Really, Sheldon? You want to do it again? (Amy smiles) SHELDON: Don’t act surprised, it’s clearly marked on the schedule. SHELDON HOLDS UP PHONE, SHOWING SCHEDULE. SHELDON: Now, shall we, steam the wrinkles out of our wizard robes, or make vigorous, socially sanctioned love. Either way, I can check something off my to do list. AMY(sounding puzzled): Socially sanction……(understanding) oh, wow, yeah, there it is right there. SCENE E ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Leonard, Penny) LEONARD ON COUCH, PENNY PUTTING PLATE IN THE FRIDGE, THEN WALKS TOWARD COUCH. LEONARD: Uh, hurry, Raj is on next. PENNY: I can’t believe they cancelled Vampire Diaries, but they’ll show this. PENNY POINTS AT TV, THEN SITS ON COUCH, IN SHELDON’S SPOT. LEONARD (deadpan): This is the news. PENNY: And that was a woman torn between two hunky vampires. What is your point? SOUND OF POUNDING ON A DOOR. UNKNOWN VOICE: Larry, I know you’re in there. PENNY: Is that Amy’s mom? MORE POUNDING. UNKNOWN VOICE: Let me in. UNKNOWN VOICE (yells and pounds): Let. UNKNOWN VOICE (yells and pounds): Me. UNKNOWN VOICE (yells and pounds): In. LEONARD: Either that or the big bad wolf. MORE POUNDING. LEONARD AND PENNY TO THE DOOR, OPEN IT. MRS FOWLER POUNDING ON APARTMENT 4B’S DOOR. MRS FOWLER: Larry. PENNY: Mrs Fowler? Are you okay? MRS FOWLER: Oh, I’m okay. It’s my husband you should worry about. PENNY: Oh, we do. MRS FOWLER: Larry, come on. LEONARD: I don’t think he’s in there. MRS FOWLER TURNS HER HEAD TO LOOK AT LEONARD. GIVES HIM A “WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU” LOOK. LEONARD: I mean he came by to water the imaginary plants, but then he left. MRS FOWLER: You are so naive. Blondie here is going to chew you up and spit you out. PENNY: Well, don’t tell him. LEONARD GIVES PENNY A STRNGE LOOK. MRS FOWLER WAVES HER HAND MRS FOWLER: Come on, you have an extra key, open it up. LEONARD REACHES IN, GETS KEY, GOES TO 4B TO OPEN IT LEONARD: All right, but I’m telling you he’s not in there. LEONARD OPENS 4B, ALL THREE ENTER, LEONARD TURNS LIGHT ON. LEONARD: There, see? MRS FOWLER: Ohhhhh, he’s in here, I can smell his axe body spray. MRS FOLWER LOOKING AROUND IN THE LIVING ROOM LEONARD: He wears axe body spray. PENNY: You happy? You smell like Amy’s dad. MRS FOLWER MOVES INTO THE BEDROOM MRS FOWLER: Larry! PENNY(whispers): Come on. PENNY STARTS INTO BEDROOM. STOPS WHEN LEONARD SPEAKS. LEONARD: Shouldn’t we mind our own business? PENNY: Wow, sometimes, it’s like you don’t know me at all. PENNY HEADS INTO BEDROOM, LEONARD FOLLOWS. MRS FOWLER LOOKING IN THE CLOSET PENNY: See, he not here. MRS FOWLER: You don’t know him like I do. MRS FOLWER MOVES INTO THE BATHROOM LEONARD: To be fair, we don’t know either of you. PENNY AND LEONARD MOVE INTO THE BATHROOM. MRS FOWLER PULLS ONE SIDE OF THE SHOWER CURTAIN, TO THE OTHER SIDE. NOTHING. LEONARD: Satisfied? MRS FOWLER PULLS OTHER SIDE OF THE SHOWER CURTAIN, MR FOWLER IS THERE. PENNY: Oh, yeah, now I smell him. SCENE F ATOM CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM (Howard, Bernadette) HOWARD AND BERNADETTE SITTING ON COUCH, WATCHING TV, EATING POPCORN. VOICE OF WEATHER GIRL, ON TV, CAN BE HEARD. BERNADETTE: Hey, that is one hot weather girl. HOWARD: How come, if I say that, I get in trouble? BERNADETTE: You want to say it, you can say it. HOWARD LOOKS CONFUSED AND WORRIED HOWARD: Nice try. You’re going to have to find some other way, to not have sex with me tonight. And, it’s not weather girl, it’s weather woman. CUT TO TV SCREEN IS VISIBLE, WITH WEATHER WOMAN AND RAJ. WOMAN: And with us today, to talk about the upcoming meteor shower, and the best places to view it, Caltech astrophysicist, Dr Rajesh, Koothrapolli. Thank you for being here. RAJ: Thank you for having me. I guess Neil deGrasse Tyson was (laughs)unavailable. (laughs) WOMAN: (laughs loudly) Yeah. RAJ’S SMILE DISAPPEARS, TURNS TO THE WOMAN RAJ: What do you mean, yeah? WOMAN WAVES RAJ’S CONCERNS AWAY WOMAN: Not important. What can we expect to see from this meteor shower? RAJ: Well, I think we can count on a lot of flaming gas, which is what you would have gotten from your first choice, Neil deGrasse Tyson. RESET CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM HOWARD: Pull up, Raj. Pull up. RESET CUT TO TV SCREEN WOMAN: Sounds like there is no love lost between you and Dr Tyson. RAJ: Oh, no, I love Neil. I mean, not as much as Neil loves Neil, but who does, right? RESET CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM BERNADETTE: I want to look away, but I can’t. RESET CUT TO TV SCREEN WOMAN: Oh, you know, I’m told we are out of time. Having learned nothing about meteor showers, and too much about Dr Koothrapolli. RAJ: Thank you. RESET CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM HOWARD AND BERNADETTE STARE AT TV WITH BLANK, SHOCKED STARES. SCENE G ATOM CUT TO NY HOTEL ROOM (Sheldon, Amy) SHELDON AND AMY, WEARING WIZARD’S ROBES, ENTER THE ROOM. SHELDON: You know what I love about Broadway Theatre? It’s so interactive. SHELDON CLOSES DOOR AMY (annoyed): Uh, huh. SHELDON: You’re so close to the actors, it’s like you’re in the play. AMY(annoyed): Uh huh. AMY PUT PURSE ON THE DESK, AND THEN HER AND SHELDON TAKE OFF THEIR ROBES. SHELDON: You yell Harry, watch out, he looks right at you. And, not just Harry, everyone on stage. AMY(annoyed): At the risk of sounding redundant, uh huh. SHELDON: All, right, it’s a bit late, but I did block out the rest of the evening for conjugal relations. Should we shower? I mean before, not during, that’s how you fall and break a hip. AMY: You know, I’m a little jet laggy, maybe we can revisit this in the morning. SHELDON: Oh, no can do, if we miss tonight, it’s not scheduled until Thursday at six. And that’ll have to be no frills, because we got 6:30 reservation at Benihanna. AMY: Sheldon, do we really have to do this on a schedule? SHELDON: Are you suggesting spontaneity? AMY: I… I guess, yeah. SHELDON: So, now that we’re married, sex can occur at any time? Like, we could be brushing out teeth and suddenly your minty fresh tongue is in my mouth? No thank you. AMY: Really? Would it be so bad to mix it up a little? SHELDON: Mix it up? Who are you Betty Crocker? SHELDON STARTS WALKING PASSED AMY AMY: Where are you going? SHELDON: To take a shower. Now that sex can happen at any time, I’ll always have to be ready. Should probably live under a waterfall. AMY (irritated) : Well, you don’t have to worry about sex happening tonight. SHELDON: Oh, well, thanks. But, I’m still gonna rinse off. I touched a lot of stuff in the gift shop. SCENE H ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4B (Penny, Leonard, Mr and Mrs Fowler) PENNY, LEONARD AND MR FOWLER ARE SEATED, ON THE COUCH, MRS FOWLER IS PACING. MRS FOWLER: No message, no note, who would do that. What kind of husband…… LEONARD: If you let him talk, maybe you’ll find out. MRS FOWLER STOPS PACING, LOOKS AT MR FOWLER, CROSSES HER ARMS. MRS FOWLER: Fine, Larry? MR FOWLER SHRUGS PENNY: There you go, what more can he say? MRS FOWLER: Lets go home. MR FOWLER: I think I’ll stay. MRS FOWLER: Well, if you’re going to stay, then I’ll stay. MRS FOWLER SITS IN CHAIR. LEONARD: All right, well, you know who doesn’t need to stay? Us, come on. LEONARD WALKS OUT OF THE APARTMENT _(BEAT) LEONARD WALKS BACK IN. LEONARD: Penny. LEONARD WALKS OUT. PENNY (disappointed): Ohhhhhhh. PENNY WALKS OUT. CLOSES DOOR MRS FOWLER: I don’t think those two are going to make it. FADEOUT END ACT 1 ACT 2 ATOM CUT TO SCENE J APARTMENT 4A (Penny and Leonard) PENNY AND LEONARD ENTER. LEONARD: Poor Mr Fowler, I really feel sorry for the little guy. PENNY: I know, after they had Amy, she should have just eaten him and been done with it. LEONARD CLOSES DOOR LEONARD: Look at you, retaining facts from a nature show. PENNY OPENS FRIDGE, GETS BOTTLE OF WATER, STANDS BY ISLNAD. LEONARD WALKS UP TO HER. PENNY: I know, really what did he ever see in her? He’s so, so sweet, and she’s such a ball-buster. LEONARD: Some guys think strong women are sexy. PENNY: They seem to have nothing in common. LEONARD: Sometimes opposites attract. PENNY OPENS BOTTLE, LEONARD RUBS PENNY’S ARM. PENNY: Wai……wai……are you saying we, are like them? LEONARD: I don’t know, maybe a little. PENNY: So, you’re the sweet quiet one, and I’m Amy’s mom? Is that what you’re saying? LEONARD SHRUGS (AS MR FOWLER DID) PENNY LOOKS SHOCKED AND ANGRY. WALKS AWAY, TOWARDS THE HALLWAY. ATOM CUT TO SCENE K WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM (Howard, Bernadette, Raj) HOWARD PASSING OUT FOOD, BERNADETTE BRINGING IN DRINKS, RAJ LOOKING AT HIS PHONE. RAJ: Hey, check out what Neil deGrasse Tyson just tweeted. “I’ve been informed, that some random, attention seeking nobody, took a cheap shot at me, on the local news(smiles, and excited). That’s me, guys, he’s talking about me. HOWARD BERNADETTE SIT ON COUCH, START EATING HOWARD: Yeah, I cut you a lot of slack, cause you come from another country, but, I mean, you’ve been here a long time. BERNADETTE: Raj, you need to apologize to Dr Tyson. RAJ: Whyyyyyy? This could be good for me. Everybody loves a good twitter feud. Neil and I could be like the new Katie Perry and Taylor Swift. BERNADETTE: Come on Raj, you’re better than this. RAJ: Leave room for desert, cause I’m going to make you eat those words. RAJ START TYPING ON HIS PHONE. RAJ: Dear Dr Tyson, much like epithelial tissue, it appears that I’ve gotten, under your skin. iPhone drop. But, I won’t, because I don’t have AppleCare. [SFX] TEXT TONE FROM RAJ’S PHONE.. BERNADETTE: What’d he say? RAJ(reads message): Nice try genius, the skin is epithelial tissue RAJ: Ohhhhhhh, it’s on, he’s Katie, I’m T-Swift. RAJ START TYPING ON HIS PHONE. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE EXCHANGE “WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM” STARES. HOWARD (resignedly): What are you going to do, he’s from another country. SCENE L ATOM CUT TO EXTERIOR: NY STREET. (Group of people, including Tour Guide, Sheldon and Amy) TOUR GUIDE: And, here we have the former hotel, where Tesla perfected the three phase, alternating current motor. TOUR GUIDE CONTINUES SPEAKING UNDER THE SHELDON AND AMY DIALOGUE. SHELDON: That’s wrong, I’m going to say something. AMY: Don’t. SHELDON: Well then, how will everyone know I’m the smartest boy here? AMY (irritated): Just let it go. SHELDON: Is everything all right? You seem testy this morning. AMY (testily): I’m not testy. SHELDON: I’ll have to take your word for it, there’s no test for testy. (beat) Is it possible that you’re sexually frustrated? AMY (testily): Okay, now I’m testy. SHELDON: If you would’ve adhered to my coital schedule, you’re brain would be floating on a sea of oxytocin right now. AMY (angrily): Don’t talk to me about my brain, I’m a neurobiologist. TOUR GUIDE STOPS SPEAKING. SHELDON: Then you should know the benefits of the special hug grownups give each other. REST OF THE GROUP HAS TURNED AND IS LOOKING AT AMY AND SHELDON AMY NOTICES THEM LOOKING AT HER AMY (whispers): Sheldon, everybody’s listening. Unlike that guy. SHELDON POINTS AT TOUR GUIDE. AMY:I’m walking away from you. AMY TURNS AND WALKS AWAY. SHELDON WATCHES HER GO, THEN TURNS AND LOOKS AT THE GROUP. SHELDON: Yeah, I’m only recently married. Do I stay here, do I follow, say something useful. SCENE M ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A KITCHEN AND ISLAND (Leonard, Penny.) PENNY MAKING COFFEE, LEONARD ENTERS FROM HALLWAY. LEONARD: Morning sunshine. PENNY TURNS AND LOOKS AT LEONARD WITH A DEATH STARE. LEONARD: So, I see you’re making espresso. PENNY KEEPS ON SETTING UP MACHINE FOR ESPRESSO PENNY (angry): Yep, just need that extra jolt, for a successful day of ball-busting. LEONARD: Really? I don’t…I don’t think you do. PENNY: You know, you compared us to the strangest couple we know. And we know Amy and Sheldon, Howard and Bernadette, Raj and his twitchy little dog. LEONARD: I…I…I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. PENNY: Because it wasn’t nice, or because it wasn’t true. LEONARD: It’s not true, eh…eh…eh…Mrs Fowler, is an angry, vindictive woman, whereas you are warm, an…and loving, quick to forgive. PENNY (disgusted): Oh, please. PENNY WALKS OVER TO FRIDGE. LEONARD: I…I… I’m serious, and I’m nothing like Amy’s dad. He’s a mousey, little man who can’t stand up for himself. PENNY GIVE LEONARD A “WANNA BET” LOOK. LEONARD: My point is, you’re not like her, so we’re not like them. PENNY (a little sad): Well, thirty years from now are you going to hide from me because I’m so scary? LEONARD: Penny, I don’t think you’re scary. Yes, I flinch when you make sudden moves, but that says more about my childhood, than you. PENNY (touched): Awwwwwww. PENNY STEPS TOWARD LEONARD RAISES HER ARMS TO GIVE HIM A HUG. LEONARD FLINCHES AND TAKES A STEP BACK. HE RAISES HIS ARMS AND INDICATES PENNY SHOULD HUG HIM. THEY HUG. SCENE N ATOM CUT TO WOLOWITZ LIVING ROOM (Howard, Bernadette, Raj) THE THREE ARE PLAYING SETTLERS OF CATAAN, HOWARD GIVES RAJ THE DICE. HOWARD: Your turn. RAJ: Hang on. I’m checking to see if Neil replied to my latest smackdown. BERNADETTE: Really? Don’t you think this twitter feud is a little silly. RAJ: Absolutely not. It’s…it’s…two respected scientists debating opposing views in a public forum. HOWARD: You called him Mike Tyson’s little sister. RAJ: Yeah, and now Mike Tyson’s mad at me too. BERNADETTE: Raj, you’re not going to impress anyone, by attacking him. RAJ (frustrated): Oh, Bernadette, you sound so old right now. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE EXCHANGE DISGUSTED GLANCES. SCENE P ATOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4A (Penny and Mrs Fowler) MRS FOWLER SITTING ON THE COUCH, PENNY WALKS OVER AND SITS IN LEONARD’S CHAIR. SETS COFFEE CUP IN FRONT OF MRS FOWLER. MRS FOWLER: He said he needs a break, and I’m too much for him. PENNY: Oh, I’m sure he didn’t mean that. MRS FOWLER(yelling): He said I’m overbearing. PENNY: Oh, please, you’re just the right amount of bearing. MRS FOWLER GIVES PENNY AN ANGRY STARE. PENNY (short laugh): Look, I know he loves you, if you just give him some space, I’m sure he’ll come back. MRS FOWLER: You really think so? PENNY: Yeah, I do. MRS FOWLER SMILES AND SLIDES OVER ON THE COUCH, TO BE CLOSER TO PENNY. MRS FOWLER: You’re a good person, Penny. I hope we get to spend lots of time together. PENNY SMILES A LARGE FAKE SMILE PENNY: Me too. SCENE Q ZOOM CUT TO APARTMENT 4B DOOR (Penny) PENNY KNOCKING ON THE DOOR MR FOWLER OPENS DOOR MR FOWLER: Yes. PENNY (tightly): Hit the road. MR FOWLER(puzzled): But…… PENNY (yelling): NOW MR FOWLER(puzzled): Can I get my stuff? PENNY (through gritted teeth): Be quick about it. MR FOWLER TURNS TO GET HIS THINGS. SCENE R ATOM CUT TO NY STREET. (Amy) AMY SITTING ON A BENCH. SHELDON WALKS UP, CARRYING TWO HOT DOGS, SITS NEXT TO AMY. SHELDON: Hello AMY: Hello SHELDON: I brought you two hot dogs. AMY: Aren’t you going to eat one? SHELDON: From a street cart? Are you crazy? I’m amazed that I’m holding them AMY: I’m not really hungry SHELDON: You realize, that I’m not a particularly physical perso AMY (nods): I know. SHELDON: When I was little, and people asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I’d always say, a brain, in a jar. AMY: Sure. SHELDON: But, I want to be a good husband to you. And, intimacy, is a part of that. SHELDON IS MOVING THE HOT DOGS BACK AND FORTH, IN FRONT OF AMY’S FACE. AMY: Please put those down. SHELDON PUTS HOT DOGS ON THE BENCH. SHELDON: I’m just worried, that if I don’t schedule our bedroom endeavors, then I may not think about them. And, you’ll grow cold and distant, and seek solace in the arms of a heavily muscled longshoreman. AMY: Where would I find a longshoreman? SHELDON: Along the shore, it’s in the name. AMY (resigned) : Sheldon, I could never be with anybody but you. SHELDON: That’s good to know. I wouldn’t want to fight a man, who’s brave enough to touch a fish. AMY: How’s this for a compromise? Make all the schedules you want, just don’t tell me about them. SHELDON: Excellent. I’ll create an algorithm, that will create a pseudorandom schedule. Eh, do you know why it won’t be a true random schedule. AMY: Because the generation of true random numbers remains an unsolved problem in computer science. SHELDON: Come with me. AMY: Where are we going? SHELDON: To the hotel room. And when we get there, I’m going to need you to say that again, except naked. AMY GASPS. THEY WALK OFF. (2 BEATS), SHELDON RUNS BACK ON, PICKS UP HOT DOGS AND THROWS THEM IN THE TRASH CAN. THEN RUNS BACK OFF. FADEOUT END ACT 2 TAG/SCENE S ATOM CUT TO RAJ’S CAR (Raj) [SFX] PHONE RINGING, RAJ ANSWERS IT THROUGH THE CAR SYSTEM. RAJ: Go for doctor K. UNKNOWN VOICE ON PHONE; Is this Rajesh Koothrapolli RAJ: Yes, who is this? CUT TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE. (Neil) NEIL: Neil deGrasse Tyson. RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ, HAS “OH, OH” LOOK ON HIS FACE. RAJ: Uh, bub, wow, (nervous laugh) How fun is this twitter thing, huh? RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL (irritated) You think your funny? RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ: I……I’m……I…I’m not Seinfeld funny. But, I did an open mic night once…… RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: You’re not funny. RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ: Yeah, that’s what they said at The Chuckle Hut. NEIL (over phone): How about this…… RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: …… I’ve got a book signing, at Vroman’s*, in Pasadena next week, why don’t you by and say some of those things to my face. RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ (nervous laugh): Ohhhhhhh, no, but thanks for the invite. RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: Smart move, and the next time you pick up your phone, remember, I’m the guy who kicked Pluto out of the solar system. RESET TO RAJ’S CAR. RAJ: And, it deserved it sir. Thank you, bye bye. RAJ DISCONNECTS. RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: Whoa, that was fun. NEIL DISCONNECTS LOOKING THROUGH HIS CONTACT LIST NEIL: Let’s see who else needs a deGrasse kicking. NEIL PUSHES ANOTHER NUMBER. CUT TO BILL NYE’S OFFICE. (Bill) BILL: Bill Nye, science guy. RESET TO NEIL deGRASSE TYSON’S OFFICE NEIL: Hey Bill, Neil Tyson. We’ve got to talk. CUT TO BILL NYE’S OFFICE BILL LOOKS SCARED, SLAMS PHONE DOWN TO DISCONNECT. END TAG CUT TO RUN END CREDITS END * Yes, Vroman’s is the correct spelling. Share this post Link to post Share on other sites More sharing options...
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