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1202 The Wedding Gift Wormhole


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The Wedding Gift Wormhole

Season 12 Episode 02

 

Teleplay by                                                            Story by

    Dave Goetsch                                                         Steve Hollan

     &                                                                            &

          Eric Kaplan                                                         Steve Molaro

      &                                                                           &

         Andy Gordon                                                      Maria Ferrari

COLD OPEN

SCENE A

ATOM CUT TO

APARTMENT 4A

(Penny, Leonard, Sheldon, Amy, Bernadette, Howard, Raj)

THE GANG AROUND THE COFFEE TABLE EATING. RAJ ON FLOOR.

SHELDON:  Now, but I think, by the end of the honeymoon, we really started to feel like a married couple.

AMY: But, the good kind, like on TV, not like my parents.

HOWARD: You’re not a real married couple until you can pee with the door open, and she’s okay with it.

BERNADETTE: I told you, I’m not okay with it.

HOWARD: She loves it.

AMY: So, we got everybody, gifts.

AMY REACHES INTO A BAG AND BRINGS OUT T-SHIRTS, AND STARTS PASSING THEM OUT, ALL MAKE AN APPRECIATIVE SOUND.  LEONARD HOLDS UP HIS SHIRT, IT HAS I “HEART” NY ON IT.

LEONARD: Did you forget about us until you were at the airport.

SHELDON: No, we forgot about you until we were on the plane. Luckily there was Wi-Fi, and I have Amazon Prime.

AMY PASSES OUT THE REST OF THE SHIRTS, RAJ STANDS AND GOES TO THE THE KITCHEN.

BERNADETTE: I heart New York, awwww, the baby is going to love throwing up on this.

SHELDON: Look, it doesn’t have to just be New York, that’s the beauty of it. The initials NY, could stand for anything you like. For instance, I understand there is an elderly Rock and Roll musician named Neil Young, perhaps you heart him. Orrrrr, if not him, Egyptian Table Tennis Silver Medalist Noha Yossry. Orrrr, Nana Yamaguchi, the Japanese voice actress who stared in Sally, the Witch

RAJ: Did you just google the initial NY?

SHELDON: I had Wi-Fi, and a long plane flight, draw your own conclusions.

PENNY STARTS UNFOLDING HER SHIRT

PENNY: Ohhhh, guys, that was very, very thoughtful of you, I……

PENNY HOLDS IT UP, IT’S HUGE, LOOKS AT SHELDON, SHE LOOKS ANGRY.

PENNY: …… did you get me a double XL?

AMY: I told you.

SHELDON: You were right dear.

 

CUT TO

OPENING TITLES

 

ACT 1

ATOM CUT TO

SCENE B

APARTMENT 4B

(Amy, Sheldon)

SURROUNDED BY WEDDING GIFTS, AMY AND SHELDON ARE WRITING THANK YOU CARDS.

AMY: Sheldon, that’s not how you write a thank you card.

SHELDON: What’s wrong with it?

AMY TAKES CARD FROM SHELDON, READS IT

AMY: Dear aunt Helen, thank you so much for the lovely place setting.  If my handwriting looks strained, that is because this is the sixteenth thank you card Amy has forced me to write. The muscles in my wrist are cramping, as I struggle to finish this sentence.

SHELDON HOLDS RIGHT HAND, FLEXS FINGERS.

AMY: Ow, ow, oh the pain, love, Sheldon.

SHELDON TAKES CARD BACK, STARTS WRITING

SHELDON: Fine,  “and Amy”.

SHELDON GIVES CARD BACK TO AMY. SAYS “OW”, AND CONTINUES TO FLEX HIS RIGHT WRITST. AMY PLACES GIFT BAG ON THE TABLE AND READS THE CARD.

 

AMY: This one, is from Leonard and Penny. Awwww, the perfect gift for the perfect couple.

SHELDON TAKES CARD PLACES IT TO THE SIDE.

SHELDON: Oh, save that care, we may need it to throw it back in their faces.

AMY TAKES A BLACK RECTANGULAR CONTAINER OUT OF THE BAG.

AMY: I wonder what it could be.    

SHELDON: Oh, it could be anything.  A flute, a letter opener, one of those pens, where you put the bikini back on the naked lady.

AMY OPENS THE CONTAINER, AND REMOVED THE OBJECT.  THE OBJECT IS CRYSTAL AND OBLONG

AMY: Ohhhhhh, isn’t this nice.

AMY KEEPS LOOKING AT IT, TRYING TO FIGURE OUT WHAT IT IS.

SHELDON: What is it?

AMY: You know, it’s a……it’s one of those……

AMY MOVES IT AROUND, TO SEE IF SOMETHING APPEARS IN IT, LIKE IN THE BIKINI PEN.

AMY:……nope, doesn’t do that.

SHELDON: Oh, maybe it’s candy, lick it.

AMY LOOKS AT SHELDON AS IF HE’S NUTS.

AMY:……I don’t want to lick it, you lick it.

SHELDON: Well, I’m not going to lick it, I just brushed my teeth.

AMY: Is it from one of your dumb sci-fi shows?

SHELDON: None of the sci-fi shows I watch are dumb.

AMY:Sheldon.

SHELDON: Okay, Westworld. But, this has nothing to do with that show, other than it’s also inexplicable.

AMY: Well, Leonard and Penny are our best friends, they know us better than anyone. They said it’s the perfect gift.  We must be missing something.

AMY AND SHELDON CONTINUE TO STARE AT IT FOR THREE BEATS.

AMY: You don’t think it’s a marital aid, do you?

SHELDON: Well, don’t be silly, Amy, how is this big glass shaft going to aid our marriage?

 

SCENE C

ATOM CUT TO

COMIC BOOK STORE

(Stuart, Denise)

BOTH BEHIND THE COUNTER, STUART ON A STEPSTOOL.  DENISE IS HANDING STUART BOOKS, AND HE PUT THEM UP ON THE SHELF

DENISE: Do you think when Krypto, the superego, is out flying, do you think Superman has to fly after him, with a little baggie?

STUART: I’ve never really thought about it before. But, he doesn’t need a baggie, because, he just blasts the poop, with his heat vision.    

DENISE:  You thought about it before.

STUART: Oh, I’ve thought about it a lot.

STUART AND DENISE LAUGH TOGETHER.

CUT TO HOWARD AND RAJ WATCHING STUART AND DENISE. BOTH LOOK PUZZLED.

HOWARD: What is wrong with Stuart’s face?

RAJ: I think he’s smiling.

HOWARD: Oh, my, God, are they flirting?

RAJ: They’re way past flirting, I caught them making out, at Sheldon’s wedding.   

HOWARD: Are you sure she wasn’t trying to breath life back into him?

RAJ: I don’t think so, when I used that much tongue, at CPR training, I had to buy the dummy.

DENISE LOOKS AT HER WATCH.

DENISE: Ooooo, I have class, I should go.

STUART: Oh, ok. Bye.

THEY BOTH LOOK AT EACH OTHER, UNSURE.  THEY APPROACH, STUART TO HUG, DENISE TO SHAKE HANDS.  THE CHANGE, THEN STOP, LOOKING AT EACH OTHER AWKWARDLY.  STUART FINALLY APPROACHES AND PATS DENISE ON THE HEAD. SHE PATS HIM ON THE HEAD, THEY BOTH LAUGH.

DENISE:  See you guys.

DENISE WAVES AT HOWARD AND RAJ,

HOWARD AND RAJ:  Bye.

DENISE EXITS STORE. HOWARD AND RAJ APPROACH THE FRONT COUNTER.

HOWARD: So, what is her deal?  Is she in to you, or does she just hate her parents?   

STUART: I……I don’t know.  We kissed a little at the wedding, and it was great. But, we haven’t really talked about it since then, so I……I don’t know how she feels about me.    

HOWARD: Well, she patted you on the head, so I’m guessing she feels, like you’re such a good boy.

STUART: Seriously, do you think I should ask her out?   

RAJ: Absolutely, don’t let love get away.  It’s the most important thing in the world. Without it, life is dark and meaningless, and all you’re left with is the judgmental gaze of your dog, as you finish up a bag of Doritos on the toilet.

STUART: Thanks, you’re a real good pal.

STUART PATS RAJ ON THE HEAD, AS STUART WALKS BY.

HOWARD: And now you’re a good boy.

HOWARD RUBS RAJ HEAD, AND THEN STARTS TO WALK OFF.  HE MAKES A CLICKING SOUND AS IF CALLING A DOG, RAJ FOLLOWS.

 

SCENE D

ATOM CUT TO

AMY AND SHELDON’S BEDROOM.

(Amy, Sheldon)

BOTH OF THEM ARE IN BED, STRUGGLING TO FALL ASLEEP. AMY, THEN SHELDON SIT UP

AMY: I can’t stop thinking about that present, it’s driving me crazy.

SHELDON: Me too. The card said it was the perfect gift. But, it’s not a dinosaur fossil, or matching pocket watches, so I don’t see how it can be.

AMY: Maybe we’re trying too hard.  Maybe it’s something simple.

SHELDON: (gasp) Like Leonard and Penny, yes, good. (2 beats) We just need to think like them. (deep breath) Okay, what gift can I get us, to express how grateful we are, to have us, in their lives.

AMY(sarcastic): Way to make it simple.

SHELDON: Na……I’m just going to ask them.

SHELDON STARTS TO GET OUT OF BED. AMY STOPS HIM.

AMY: No, you can’t, it’ll hurt their feelings.

SHELDON: I’m okay with that.

AMY: And, they know you weren’t smart enough to figure it out on your own.

SHELDON: You’re right. Oh, this is awful. Now, I can’t even comfort myself, by stroking the fossilized tibia of a Pentaceratops.

AMY: Let’s just go to sleep. We’ll look at it in the morning, with fresh eyes. And, maybe it will come to us.

SHELDON: Fine.

THEY BOTH SETTLE BACK INTO BED, UNDER THE COVERS  3 BEATS.

AMY: Or, we go tear apart that box, and look for a clue.

SHELDON: Staying up past my bedtime, and solving mysteries?  Who knew married life could be this good.

THEY BOTH, EXCITEDLY, GET OUT OF BED.

 

SCENE E

ATOM CUT TO

WOLOWITZ KITCHEN

(Howard, Bernadette, Stuart)

STUART GETS BUTTER, MAKING A SANDWICH NEXT TO THE FRIDGE. HOWARD AND BERNADETTE SITTING AT TABLE, DRINKING COFFEE, WATCHING HIM.

BERNADETTE: What’s wrong with his face?

HOWARD: A lot of people have been asking that, he’s smiling.

STUART GETS SALT OFF THE TABLE.

BERNADETTE:  Hey, Stuart, you look pretty happy.

STUART TURNS TO FACE HOWARD AND BERNADETTE.

STUART: Oh, yeah, I asked Denise out on a date, and she said yes.

BERNADETTE: Ohhhhh, well, that’s great.  But, don’t smile like that in front of Halley, she just started sleeping through the night.

STUART: Sorry, I’m excited, I haven’t been on a date, in a long time.

HOWARD: Back when I was dating, I’d always wear a new pair of underwear, just in case.

STUART:  It’s also been a long time since I bought new underwear.

STUART PULLS UP ON THE WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERWEAR.

STUART: I probably should, these are no long tighty or whitey.

BERNADETTE LOOKS DISGUSTED

BERNADETTE: Okay, I’m out.

BERNADETTE GETS UP, WALKS TO THE SINK.

HOWARD: If there’s a chance someone is going to see you naked, it’s also polite to make sure you’re well groomed down there.

BERNADETTE, THINKING HOWARD MEANS HER,

BERNADETTE (angrily): I get it Howard, I’ve been busy.

BERNADETTE, ANGRILY LEAVES THE KITCHEN.

 

SCENE F

ATOM CUT TO

APARTMENT 4A

(Leonard, Penny)

SHELDON ENTERS APARTMENT WITHOUT KNOCKING.

SHELDON:  Hello

SHELDON CLOSES DOOR.  LEONARD AND PENNY GETTING AND DRINKING COFFEE.

PENNY:  Hey

LEONARD:  Hey

SHELDON: I just wanted to pop over and hand deliver this thank you note, for your very thoughtful wedding gift.

SHELDON WALKS TO THE ISLAND AND HANDS PENNY THE ENVELOPE.

PENNY: Uh huh.

LEONARD: Ohhhhhh, good.  You guys liked it?

SHELDON: Well, we like it a lot more than things that aren’t it. I’ll tell you that.

PENNY:  Well, you know, that’s great, because when we saw it, we thought, Amy and Sheldon just have to have that.

SHELDON: Oh, do tell.  Now, paint a picture for me. Like where you were, when you you found it, and what you thought we’d enjoy doing with it.

LEONARD: Do you not know what it is?

PENNY: Of course he knows what it is, he’s the smartest man in the world.

SHELDON: Well, I don’t know about the world, some of those Chinese fellows are pretty clever. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to return home, and use your gift, in the manner which it was intended.

SHELDON CROSSES TO DOOR, AND EXITS.

LEONARD (laughing): He’s never going to figure it out.

PENNY (smiling): I know.

LEONARD AND PENNY HEAR THE DOOR TO 4B SLAM.  FROM ACROSS THE HALL, THEY HEAR

SHELDON (screaming): What are you.   

SHELDON (laughing): Gosh, this makes me happy.

PENNY: Yeah

PENNY AND LEONARD ARE LAUGHING, THE CLINK THEIR COFFEE MUGS.

 

SCENE G

ATOM CUT TO

CALTECH CAFATERIA

(Howard, Sheldon)

HOWARD SITTING AT ONE OF THE TABLES, EATING LUNCH.  SHELDON HURRIES IN CROSSES OVER TO HOWARD.

SHELDON: Howard, I don’t often say this, but good, you’re here. Now, do you know what Leonard and Penny got us for our wedding gift?

HOWARD: Well……

SHELDON WAVES HIS ARMS, INTERRUPTING. .

SHELDON: No……no……don’t answer. I don’t wanna know, I just want to know if you know.

HOWARD: I do know.

SHELDON: Okay, great.  I believe that Amy and I have figured it out. Is it, a clue to a scavenger hunt, that will lead us to the actual present?

HOWARD: If you’re asking if you and Amy should spend the next couple days, running all over town, searching for the next clue, I’m going to hafta (whispers) say yes.

SHELDON: I knew it, this is sooooo, much fun.

HOWARD:  Oh, it really is.

LEONARD AND RAJ WALK OVER, WITH THEIR TRAYS OF FOOD

SHELDSON: Oh, Leonard, thank you again. We love the gift.

SHELDON TURNS AND EXITS.

LEONARD: Does he know what it is?

LEONARD AND RAJ SIT

HOWARD:  No, not even close, he thinks it’s a clue to a scavenger hunt.

LEONARD LAUGHS AND CONTINUES TO LAUGH WHEIL HE AND RAJ, SIT.

LEONARD: So, so, happy.

RAJ: What is it?  What did you give them?

LEONARD: Oh, it’s just this dumb, crystal wand that Howard and Bernadette gave us for our wedding. Penny and I made each other miserable, trying to figure out what it was, and we thought, why not pass that fun along to Sheldon and Amy

RAJ: Wait a minute, di……did you give them the crystal chakra wand, that I gave you for your wedding?

HOWARD:  Yah, that’s exactly what we did.

RAJ: But……you said you liked it.

HOWARD: Yah, that’s exactly (laughs) what I said.

FADEOUT

 

END ACT 1

 

 

 

ACT 2

 

SCENE H

ATOM CUT TO

BERT’S OFFICE.

(Amy, Sheldon, Bert)

BERT USING A JEWELERS LOOP, TO LOOK AT THE CRYSTALLINE WAND

BURT: Wow, a scavenger hunt.  That’s exciting.  I had a bit of a scavenger hunt myself, last night.  I was trying to find the remote, I looked under one of the cushions, wasn’t there. And, then I lifted the cushion a little higher, bingo.

AMY (deadpan): Riveting.  So, do you know what it is?

BERT: Of course I know what it is. It’s a silicone dioxide crystal, otherwise known as quartz.

SHELDON: Are you sure?    

BERT:  Am I sure? Is basalt a mafic, extrusive, igneous rock, formed by the rapid cooling of magnesium and iron rich lava?  Yeah, I’m sure.

AMY:  Okay, so it’s quartz.  That’s got to mean something, what do we know about quartz?

SHELDON:  I’ll google it.

SHELDON PULLS OUT HIS PHONE, STARTS LOOKING ONLINE.

BERT: Or, you could ask me, a geologist, who won a McArthur Genius grant……

SHELDON: Got it. Quartz, from the German Quarz, which sounds the same, but is spelled without a ’t’.

AMY: Interesting.  No ’t’.  What is not, ’t’?

SHELDON: Coffee.

AMY: The coffee shop, where we first met.

BERT STANDS UP.

BERT: All right, let’s go.

AMY AND SHELDON LOOK AT BERT, STRANGELY.

BERT: Sorry, I think I just had an adrenaline rush, from having visitors.

SHELDON AND AMY TURN TO LEAVE.

 

SCENE J

ATOM CUT TO

COMIC BOOK STORE

(Raj, Stuart)

RAJ, SITTING ON COUCH, STUART WALKS UP TO HIM.

STUART: Hey, Raj, will you smell something for me?

RAJ LOOKS AT STUART STRANGELY.

RAJ: Uh, that depends, actually, it doesn’t depend, just no.

STUART:  I’m trying out some new colognes, for may date with Denise.

RAJ: Oh, and you just came over here to rub it my face that you have a date?

STUART:  No, I came over here because I need advice, and you’ve gone out with more women than anybody I know.

RAJ: Huh, I guess you’re right. Sheldon’s the smart one, Howard’s the funny one, and apparently, I’m the ladies man.

STUART: Which one’s Leonard?

RAJ: Oh yeah, right.  I guess Leonard’s the forgettable one. Okay, let’s have a wiff.   

STUART OFFERS HIS RIGHT ARM.  RAJ SMELLS IT.

RAJ: Hmmm, smells like Paco Rabanne

STUART:  Ooooh, you’re good.  I bought it at a swap meet, it’s actually called, “Smells Like Paco Rabanne”.

RAJ: It’s great, she’s going to love it.

STUART SITS IN CHAIR

STUART: I hope so.  IIIIIII really like Denise, and I don’t want to screw this up.

RAJ: Hey, relax.  Trust your instincts, that’s what I do.

STUART: And that works for you?

RAJ (sounds sad): (2 beats) Actually, no.  I’ve made a mess of my life and I’m……I’m all alone. (2 beats)

STUART: Okay, I think it’d be best for both of us, if I pretend to get a phone call, and just walk away.

RAJ: Yeah, that would be best.

STUART PICKS UP PHONE THAT HASN’T RANG.

STUART: Hello, this is Stuart.

STUART PUTS PHONE AGAINST HIS CHEST, LEANS OVER AND TOUCHES RAJ.

STUART (whispers):  Sorry, I’ve got to take this.

STUART STANDS AND WALKS AWAY FROM RAJ

STUART: Why yes, I’d love to take a survey.

CUT TO RAJ LOOKING UNHAPPY

 

 

SCENE K

ATOM CUT TO

COFFEE SHOP

(Various customers and employees, Sheldon and Amy)

SHELDON AND AMY ENTER, STOP JUST INSIDE THE DOOR.

AMY: Okay, this is where we first met, there’s got to be a clue here somewhere.

SHELDON POINTS TO A TABLE

SHELDON: We sat at that table.

SHELDON AND AMY WALK TOWARD THE ABLE, SHELDON PUT ON A RUBBER GLOVE ON HIS RIGHT HAND.  SHELDON PUTS HIS HAND UNDER THE TABLE.  THE COUPLE SITTING THERE LOOKED SHOCKED AND PUZZLED.

MAN: Excuse me.

SHELDON: I’m sorry, we’re on a scavenger hunt.

AMY: Just pretend we’re not here.

SHELDON: Oh, found something.

SHELDON PULLS HIS HAND FROM UNDER THE TABLE AND LOOKS IN HIS HAND.

SHELDON(screams) AHHHHH, it’s gum.

THROWS THE GUM, IT STICKS TO THE WALL. SHELDON REMOVES THE GLOVE.

AMY: Maybe they left it behind the counter.

AMY WALKS OFF, TO THE COUNTER.

SHELDON: I met my wife here, and we sat, at this very table. Now, so if you play your cards right, in eight years, you could marry this woman.

SHELDON POINTS AT WOMAN SITTING AT THE TABLE.

MAN (confused): That’s my sister.

SHELDON: Well, don’t tell people, that’s no okay.

SHELDON WALKS OVER TO AMY.

AMY: Sheldon, look.  I asked the barista if anyone left anything for us, and she said to look in this lost and found box.

SHELDON: Why would it be in the lost and found box?

AMY:Because we were lost, and then we found each other.

SHELDON: It makes perfect sense.

AMY SEARCHES IN BOX, FINDS A LOCKET.

AMY: Oh, and look at this. A locket.  And that stone in front, I bet it’s quartz.

SHELDON: This must be it.  This must be the actual gift.  Open it up, what’s inside?

AMY OPENS LOCKET.

AMY: Nothing, it’s empty.

SHELDON: Of course.  Our life together is just starting, and they want us to fill it with our memories.

AMY: This might be the best wedding gift ever.

SHELDON: Ohhhhh, they also left us a pair of sunglasses, because our future’s so bright.

AMY: They thought of everything.

AMY AND SHELDON HOLD HANDS, START TO LEAVE COFFEE SHOP.

 

 

SCENE L

ATOM CUT TO

WOLOWITZ KITCHEN

(Bernadette, Howard)

BOTH ARE PREPARING DINNER. HOWARD LOOKS A DRAWING ON THE FRIDGE.

HOWARD: Oh, look what Halley drew.

BERNADETTE LOOKS OVER

BERNADETTE:  Yeah, she made it at daycare.

HOWARD: It’s pretty good, huh?

BERNADETTE: Is it?

HOWARD:  Wow, gentile moms are tough.

HOWARD CARRIES SALAD TO COUNTER, BERNADETTE COMES OVER TO HOWARD.  [SFX] FOUR KNOCKS ON THE DOOR

STUART:  Guys, I need to show you something, but you have to promise not to make fun of me.

HOWARD: Of course.

HOWARD SUPPRESSES A SMILE, LOOKS AT BERNADETTE AND SHAKES HIS HEAD. BERNADETTE SMILES  STUART ENTERS.  HE IS IN HIS UNDERWEAR, AND LOOKS ORANGE, HOWARD AND BERNADETTE LOOKED SHOCKED.

BERNADETTE: Whoaaaaa.

STUART: Yeah, I was worried about the date, so I got my hair colored, to make me feel a little more confident. But, that just made me look paler, so I got a spray tan.    

BERNADETTE: Have you tried showering? Seeing if you could scrub it off?

STUART: I did. You’re going to need some new towels. And, a bathmat, and toilet seat.   

STUART LOOKS DEPRESSED, GOES TO THE TABLE AND SITS.

STUART (slightly panicking): I’m picking her up in an hour. What am I going to do?

HOWARD TAKES A COUPLE OF STEPS TOWARD STUART.

HOWARD: You mean what are you going to Ompa-loompa doompity-do?

STUART: You said you weren’t going to make any jokes.

HOWARD: I’m sorry, I’ll stop.

HOWARD STEPS BACK TOWARD BERNADETTE, SHAKING HIS HEAD AND MOUTHS “I WON’T STOP”. BERNADETTE GIGGLES  (BEAT) BERNADETTE WALKS OVER TO STUART.

BERNADETTE: It’s only a spray tan, it’ll fade in a couple of days. Why don’t you cancel the date, and reschedule?

STUART: I was really looking forward to tonight.

BERNADETTE: You know what, then go.  Tell her what happened.  Maybe she’ll be flattered.

HOWARD: And if not, swing by the chocolate factory and see if they’re hiring.

BERNADETTE LAUGHS, STUART LOOKS ANGRY.

HOWARD: That wasn’t a joke, that was a legitimate  suggestion.

 

SCENE M

ATOM CUT TO

RAJ’S BEDROOM

(Raj)

RAJ IS SITTING ON THE BED, WITH HIS COMPUTER OPEN [SFX] TONES COME FROM THE COMPUTER.

 

 

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: Hello.

RAJ: Hey Dad.

EXCEPT WERE NOTED, FOR THE REST OF THE SCENE, VIEWS CUT TO THE PERSON SPEAKING

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: Rajesh, what a nice surprise, calling me on my birthday.

RAJ (blank look): Yes, that’s why I’m calling.  An-an-and what better gift to give you, than the gift of marrying an Indian woman, just like you’ve always wanted.   

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI:  My goodness Rajesh, this is exciting news. Who is she?

RAJ:  You tell me.

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI (confused): What?

RAJ (sad): I want you to arrange a marriage for me. I’m just so tired of being single, and I’m finally, just, I’m ready to settle down.

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: I-I-I just can’t call up some girls dad, and make her marry you. This, it’s not 2015 anymore.

RAJ: I know that, but I can’t do this on my own, I need your help.

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: Well, then I’m going to need your help, too.

CUT TO RAJ ON BED, AS MR KOOTHRAPOLLI CONTINUES TALKING.

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: If I’m going to find a woman……

CUT BACK TO MR KOOTHRAPOLLI ON COMPUTER SCREEN.

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: ……to set you up with, you’re going to have to stop Instagraming pictures of you and your dog wearing matching sweaters.

RAJ: Fine, if that’s what it takes to show you I’m serious. A, quick question, do you mean just Instagram, or all of my social……

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI:  All of them.

RAJ:  Okay, deal.

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: All, right.  Let me ask you a question, what do you think of this woman.

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI HOLDS UP PICTURE OF A BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMAN.

RAJ: Oh, oh, my God, she’s beautiful.  Is that who you’re going to set me up with?

MR KOOTHRAPOLLI: No! That’s who I’m dating. (beat) But, maybe she has an older sister.

RAJ LOOKS FRUSTRATED.

 

SCENE N

ATOM CUT TO

APARTMENT 4A

(Penny, Leonard, Amy Sheldon.)

LEONARD AND PENNY IN CHAIRS, AMY SITTING ON THE ARM, SHOWING THEM THE LOCKET THEY FOUND AT THE COFFEE SHOP.

AMY: So we put a little picture of me, and a little picture of Sheldon in it.

LEONARD AND PENNY LOOK CONFUSED.

PENNY:  In the locket.

AMY SMILES AND NODS

SHELDON: Yes.

LEONARD:  That was in a lost and found box?

AMY (smiling): Exactly.

PENNY (puzzled): Where we hid it?

AMY WALKS OVER TO THE COUCH, AND SITS DOWN ON THE ARM, NEXT TO SHELDON, SMILING.

SHELDON: So you gave us three amazing gifts. The locket, the adventure, and the realization that Amy and I can do anything, as long as we work together.

AMY TAKES A CARD FROM SHELDON AND GIVES IT TO LEONARD.

AMY(smiling): We wrote you a special thank you note.

HE OPENS IT, AND LEONARD AND PENNY LOOK AT IT CONFUSED.

PENNY: Are those words?

SHELDON: No.  It’s a secret code that you two get to figure out together.

AMY (smiling): Hint, it’s based on Sanskrit, but not the Sanskrit you’re thinking of.

AMY LAUGHS

SHELDON: And, best of all, you can’t use the internet to cheat.

AMY (smiling): Because we lock you out of your Wi-fi, and the answer to this, is your new password.

LEONARD: I’m no longer happy.

[SFX] SEVERAL KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. DOOR OPENS, AND RAJ STEPS IN, CLOSES DOOR.

RAJ: Hey, guys, great news.  I’m getting married.

SHELDON, AMY, AND LEONARD LOOK CONFUSED.

LEONARD:  What?

AMY: To who?

SHELDON: Huh?

PENNY: No.

RAJ: Well, I……I……I haven’t met her, yet. But, her name is Anu. And, my father says she comes from a good family, She’s in her thirties, she works in hospitality management.  So, as long as I can get through six to ten dates, without revealing my true self, this is happening.

SHELDON: I know just what we’re giving them for a wedding gift.

 

FADEOUT

END ACT 2

 

TAG/SCENE P

ATOM CUT TO

DENISE’S APARTMENT.

(Denise, Stuart)

DENISE OPENS DOOR, SEE STUART WITH A BRIGHT ORANGE FACE    WAITING ON THE OTHER SIDE. SHE GASPS, LOOKS SHOCKED.

DENISE: Oh my God.

STUART: Yeah, I wanted to look my best, for our date, and I made a series of bad decisions.  One of which, is hidden by me pants.

DENISE (laughs): Wow.

STUART: Do you still want to go out with me?

DENISE (nodding):  Absolutely.

DENISE GETS HER JACKET AND PURSE.

DENISE(deadpans) Hey, maybe we can go find Nemo together.

EXITS, AND CLOSES THE DOOR.

STUART(smiles) That’s a good one.

BOTH WALK DOWN THE HALL

DENISE:  Do your 63 other crayon friends, know you’re out?

STUART: Are you just going to make fun of me all night?

DENISE: Probably

STUART: Great. So what are we thinking, Chinese?

DENISE: Yeah, I’m in the mood for some orange chicken

BLACKOUT

RUN END CREDITS

 

END

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